why hate?

these are evil.
so evil they should be banned to wherever they came from. banned, trampled underfoot, and made illegal everywhere.
those who use them should be shipped off to a gulag somewhere, or made uncomfortable for even considering using one.
is this right?

you cant cough nowadays without having someone mention that it is probably caused by a smoker. yes cigarettes are harmful (no shit, ITS SMOKE! lungs dont function on smoke). but is it truly harmful for me to enjoy a cigarette if i feel like releaving a bit of the edge throughout the day? i mean in the long run, yes. but is it harmful to you? do you develope cancer because you inhaled a wee bit of the secondhand smoke this afternoon? it takes a shitload of the smoky aftereffect of smoking to do any damage to a lung (unless your horribly asmatic, so to them i understand) but the rest of you... what is the huge problem??
lets make it illegal to smoke in bars! why didnt they just go, we would like bars to reserve the right to choose whether or not our patrons can ignite a cigarrete in our establishment? would it be so horrible? you could have bars for smokers, and bars for nonsmokers (we have singles bars, swingers bars, bikers bars, oxygen bars (?? it gets you high i guess) sports bars and regular bars) why go to the extreme of ILLEGAL? then well make it illegal in public areas (isnt that almost bloody everywhere?) because.... i dont know why i cant smoke in a park, there seems to be enough space and its in the open so the smoke goes up (it isnt contained so nobody will die from accidently smelling my secondhand smoke) into the air. oh, and lets remove smoking from the movies and tv. because? oh kids might think its cool. of course. why not remove instances where smoking is portrayed in a glamerous light in the movie industry instead of outright NO! people smoke, so why not have people in movies smoke? some kind of weird censorship at work there because cigarettes arent illegal (yet, im sure they would love it). but they are addictive! were just trying to protect you from you. BULLSHiT! i am informed and aware of the consequences, so let me MAKE A CHOICE! i just want people to get off my back for it.
I DONT NEED PEOPLE COUGHING ANNOYINGLY TO MAKE A POINT! if you dont like the smoke move away from me. simple. you dont have to be an asshole about it. its not like im walking up to you and blowing the smoke in your face deliberately, it just has to go somewhere. i smoke and generally im mellow, but motherfuck... it fucking sucks donkey balls when people treat you like a fucking criminal for it.
people are allowed to eat unhealthy food (McDonalds anyone?), drive vehicles that can kill others (CARS), consume mind alterating substances (ALCOHOL) and nobody has tried to stop and make all that illegal. so fuck all. im going to start a fucking cigarette speakeasy if this keeps up...
its just so fucking pointless and incredibly fucktastically motherfukin stupid.

freeze.dry.

it wasnt like this a day ago. it was nice a day ago, sunny and high 70's.
now its fuckin freezing again, and windy as fuckall. its not wonderfull.

talking with you makes me forget things.

all i want, and this is it, nothing else. no money, no cars, no houses no fame and fortune. no sitting atop a throne commanding my small army while basking in the unquestioned love and adulation of a nation filled with 16 to 25 year old women. none of that. no being proclaimed a deity, of corn, sun, moon, hay, coffee mugs no deity status. no having perfectly white teeth, or million dollar smile. no endless supply of perfectly healthy krispy kreme donuts freshly baked in my home every morning. no.
no perpetual youth. no eternal health. no end to disease. or world hunger. no end to war. not peace. not a month long world encompassing massive declaration of love and peace and harmony among all the little and tall people from all the different cultures that have met and raped and pillaged each other. no.
no desire for everything to work like clockwork when im banking on it. no desire for endless green lights and an end to traffic. not being able to wake up midday and not go to work. no being able to rewind and do everything i ever wanted and experience everything there is to be experienced in a lifetime that may have passed me by. no.
no being perfectly capable at every single task i ever undertake, being adored as an artist in every medium. no being on mtv as hundreds of thousands of teenagers yell their little brainless heads off for my attention like so many small annoying dogs. no true ultimate power. no soundeffects for my life, or a soundtrack. no having a revolutionary film director direct my life and have it premier as the greatest cinematic masterpiece of this or any other time as it plays during my wake, with the credits rolling only to reveal that i was the director. no.
i dont want any of it. not even money.
all i want.....
is that one person who makes it all just effortlessly go away.
thats all.

irish potatoes.

its been a while... couple of weeks.
but much can happen in a couple of weeks.
specially the weekends.
i found out i have the ability to apply for almost any job and not get it.
i have found that playing poker can create a nice influx of cash (111 in 3 hours... hell yeah)
i still like toys and the next toy i want is gonna cost me 24 but its fuckfreakintastic.
thank god for poker money.
people seem to be abandoning their blogs more and more.
not cold turkey, but definately a weaning off of sorts.
come on people. write things. anything. if you dont youll lose it.
think when i die, if this blog is still up, people will look at it to try and understand me a little better¿
the midwest is a windy place. windy chilly place. with no cursing.
so uptight. they say bullcrap even when drunk.
ive been procrastinating lately and its catching up with me now.
i met people over the weekend that i probably wont see again... and they were so fun.
stayed up till 6 in the morning three nights in a row. i missed the days. lived the nights. such fun can never be had in daylight.
i think college has replaced my general knowledge (which was growing steadily) with very specific knowledge (which isnt as good bar talk).
i need a smart attractive (to me at least) girl.
see, i changed. before it was just i need an attractive girl. then just a girl would suffice. now its smart and attractive. standards are like tides. they come and go in waves. high points and low points.
im not moving into an apartment anymore (shouldve mentioned this before, but never got around to it) because i graduate in a year come december.
im not ready for life. not a job. not a 9 to 5. not a dull, dreary, creativity bashing mind numbing job. i want to work in marketing or advertising if i could.
dont think itll happen.
made a picture for starbucks espresso out of boredom one afternoon. shouldve been studying and writing a paper. oh well.
starbucks
its not perfect. and i was bored in econ class early in the morning after not sleeping all night. so i figured, i might as well.
theres more to my life than what i write down here.
like a friend who i believe has decided (voluntarily or otherwise) that we shouldnt see each other at all this semester (classes and studying my ass... theres more to life than that)
anyone who says that they dont have free time because college is hard work, is missing the point. why do some people love it when they leave college¿ sure sometimes its dreary as all hell, and it can be boring and there is work... but i enjoy it for what its worth. its the last time you can be irresponsible in your entire life. after this you must be mature and grown up. i hate expectations.
i wanna be a bohemian. a filthy rucking rich bohemian. a man can dream. just wait till i get my bar up and running, youll see.

hallows eve.

i love all hollows eve (or halloween as some people call it)...
if for nothing else because the sexually repressed girls get to dress up in a more sexually provocative nature than they normally would. i read an article that stated that overly sexual costumes may mean one of two things... either your sexually repressed or your very comfortable with your sexiness... that and dressing as a prostitute signifies a inner struggle in your fragile little psyche as to how you should lead your life (pure and virginal, or partaking in the joy of sexual liberation) this also applies to guys (the guy dressed as the hulk for the third halloween in a row was probably a skinny little guy in highschool who got picked on and is now compensating for the fact)...
so what does my costime say about me¿
i have no idea because i went as a convicted catholic priest. black shirt, black pants black shoes, the little white thing in the coller and handcuffed. a convicted catholic priest.
whatever. i just know i like looking at the cute girls who dress provocatively (like the britney spears outfits, the aguilera outfits and the sexy stripper cops... score.)
long live all hallows eve for we can be children once again.
long live halloween.

shiver shiver.

its getting a wee bit cold out there kiddies.
those of you down south where it never drops have no idea what im talking about. its called cold weather. it makes your teeth click and your bones shake. the trees they die (no foliage this year, just green trees to dead trees in a matter of 3 days). the fuzzy animals dissapear and everyone bundles up.
no more free looks at girly girls legs as they frolick in the sun in their extra short shorts... nope, now is the time of the sweatshirts.
the cold bitter biting weather may have something to do with my sudden demotivation... maybe. possibly. you never know.
other than that i realized i was having a slow week. i saw one sign that said "slow hump. 20" and i cracked up midstreet. if you see the funny good for you.. if you dont, go ask your sister. someday you might see the picture and then youll get it... whatever man, i found it hilarious at the time... which is why i think i was having a slow week...
i have been having some very interesting and revealing, maybe even risque conversations with some people lately. its been fun. especially if you came to my college and met the horribly repressed people that live in this godforsaken shit of a town... do you realize that cursing is really rare here, people do say fudge, dangit and the like here... and they might mean it... but its not the same as hearing a fuck, shit, etc... i miss cursing. its cleansing to bitch and spew forth a random bile of flowing profanities that flows like so much water. fuckall. people here can be downright boring most of the time... its the natives man.
the natives, the farmers, the good ole boys... those people just come off as naive fucking farmers. sure they might drink and be rowdy, but i just see it as them shedding off years of angst while living under their mamas skirt... it doesnt seem natural to them...like they try to hard to compensate. and then they all turn out to be almost identical to each other, same musical taste style of clothing generic look haircut walk talk everything just screams "i have no clear idea of who the fuck i am!! and i just want to fit in and not be ostracized (if they even know a word that eloquent) by the rest of the country bumpkins... mama." just wish there was some fucking variety here... it all seems to eventually blur together like a washed out painting... variety is the spice of life and this speck of country tastes like a fucking limabean. i bitch too much about this stupid little place.
maybe cause i desire to be in someplace with variety (true variety) like miami, san fran, la, ny, chicago even (oasis of the barren wasteland of the midwest). a man can dream...

chipotle-

for future reference, my titles have nothing to do with whats written beneath them. its usually just a word or phrase i happen to like the split second i decide to start typing. just thought id let you know because i am the king and supreme ruler of this, the mighty rentedspace. behold my kingdom. its a lovely shade of peasoup green. but it is mine.
im sick and the sickness has turned my brain into a messy grey tinged gooey sloshing pile of mush.

wha¿

i hate being sick.
it makes me miserable kinda. it makes me drowsy. it makes me a bitch.
and it makes other people assholes.
it also kills all the drives i inherently have. all drives.
everything from my desire for food (which, lest we forget is necessary for the survival of the body) and more importantly... my sexdrive... horrible to realize im 21 and my sexdrive is currently enjoying a relaxing vacation in limbo sharing piña coladas with my mojo and groove (not sure when, how or even if, i lost it. but its definately on a holiday right now). so im led to this conclusion.
since im not using my sexdrive right now, im not getting sex right now -obviously, because im typing right now, but i mean now as in the royal now.... um, recently i mean, and how recent is recent is none of your bloody concern- (not that anyone really wants to have sex with somebody who has small rivers of snot shooting out of his nose every 5 seconds at a fantastic speed) so....
somebody must be having my sex!
obviously. it still is mine. just cause im not using it right now doesnt mean it isnt still mine, that i wont use it in the near future. if i find out who is taking my sex i plan to sue.
quite possibly he could be pimping my sex out... giving it out like cheap candy after halloween to any old nasty skank who walks by (can you imagine when skanks roll by on those new scooter things¿ "just hop on baby, mine iz pimpazized for my pleazure."). or hes the philanthropist type, selling it on ebay or in an alley somewhere along with the dignity you lost that one time you did that thing you wish you hadnt but did and your friends saw you and they were never your friends again... yup, could be. and if a girl is having my sex¿ that doesnt mean im suddenly gay if someone used my sex to have sex with a guy,... right¿ you know what lets just say shes a lesbian so as not to complicate things (because im all about simplicity, cant you tell¿). i have no control over where my sex is being used right now, or for what purpose. sure i could be optimistic and pretend its being used in the next great american porn magnum opus... but its probably being used by a drunken hobo on a $3 toothless whore (actually wouldnt toothless whores be better because of the lack of teeth¿ just a thought.) aged 45 (and unlike whiskey, they dont get better with age, just sloppier). maybe its being used by a very loving couple of teenage lesbians in school girl uniforms... and maybe its being used (and abused) in a very angry copulation by two people in a broom closet somewhere. everywhere people are having sex that is rightfully mine!
damnit. i hope that these people realize that once i get my s.drive (it just sounds cooler... S.DRIVE) back im gonna go and collect. so you better get a receipt next time you have sex (just ask, youd be surprised how accomodating some people can be when asked nicely). because it might be the sex that im due that your using (dont do anything freaky deaky if your using my sex... pervert) in your sloppy drunken sex (how somebody thought your incredible loss of hand eye coordination, projectile vomiting, inability to stand and eue de liquor was appealing is a mystery for the ages) and dammit i want reparations! thats right i said reparations!
im due.

short.

i am a watcher. i can only watch. i cannot interfere, that is against the rules we set long ago.
i watch you. you and everyone else. i see all the events and emotions. me and my kin.
this is what we do. we watch. we see you go through your lives.
we see you agonize, see you worry, see everything. we go unnoticed.
we notice the thinkers, the philosophers. we listen to them think. propose theories. agonize over details, trying to explain and comprehend the human condition. my eldest sister thinks its funny. but she was always odd. she enjoys seeing you in anguish. that may be why she has the occupation she does. you call her misery. shes is one of many that watch.
we do wonder why you try to control your lives. you toil throughout your lives. trying to gain material. my brother is pleased by this. greed has always been with you. he knows everyone.
you all worry. i watch and i dont understand. why do you worry. there are forces much greater than you at work.
i watch how some believe in greater things than man. yet even they dont give up the illusion of control. man has always chosen to believe that he is control. i have seen different.
from my side, man is a product of circumstance. a chain of events started long ago. leading to your present situation. i cant see any improvements in your condition either. entropy at work.
why can´t you just let go of it all. let destiny work as she should. surrender.
----------------

um. yeah. um... see... ugh nevermind, its a monologue thats been in my head for the better part of a week, theres an image that goes with it too.. but you know... its been a long week.

oh so odd.

i was amazed by something the other night...
so i head over to a omedy improve thing. one of those where people yell suggestions at random, usually sounding like individuals with very messed up childhoods, to your usual assortment of semi-organized idiots who have just enough education to perform and hopefully the entire mess ends up being funny. now its not weather or not its funny that i am concerned with (i hate it when it is predictably funny... just ruins it when i can think of the punchline far in advance, they never live up to what i have in my head...) instead im concerned with how it is that these groups of men, no disrespect to women who may be funny as all hell (hell isnt that funny, its very cynical) but improve groups are largely compromised of groups of men, can make jokes and improvise off the top of their heads and oddly, it rarely devolves into a string of sex jokes following each other. which is a good thing. because sex jokes have a place and a time. telling sex jokes with your mates may be funny, but its funnier when people from the other sex are also present. its funny. except now they can sue you for it. "he told a dirty joke. he offended me. i found it funny at the time, but 3 hours later as i was waxing my upper lip i thought it was quite offensive. and so did my cat tammy." clearly some people must think other people have more money than tey really do. and its all ou fault anyway. we all dress like we have more money than we really do. because it makes it so that we may have a lay. and thats what we all want. a lay. (frito lay? stupid twit.) which is an odd thought when you think about it. a lay. when getting a lay you dont do much laying down (because laying up is a difficult sexual position, ends with bruised elbows and pelvic bones, and i cant jump with the weight of a woman on me... no matter how thin they claim to be). so why call it a lay? well one person lays down usually. or get in a crawling position. so that kinda makes sense... but, i got laid, or i laid her? well it depends on what you do the night before. right. and in british it makes no sense, shag? the only time ive heard the word shag is in shag carpeting. and i dont think thats the official use for the shag carpet, i checked the manual. quick manual 2 pages. unroll carpet, walk. so not for shagging. shag on something comfy. but nothing plastic in the sun. especially if it has a checkmark pattern... last thing you or the girl/boy whatever your pleasure is a checkerboard on your butt. because thats odd to explain afterwards. no good reason, "oh im going to a checkers championhip in sweden. im rooting for brown. no?" because nowadays the airports are getting so bad they may as well be checkin your bum next time you fly. long as you can keep them from going up through round your person your gonna be ok. so yeah. and back to the idiots who say the things that are funny, the comedians. i went to the show thing and turns out not only do they have a session where even the special kids can participate (the part where they can yell something, anything... which explains some of the suggestions... "i like NUUuutSS" "SPICY FLOOOOWeERS") but they also have a good chunk of the show where they give up and let the fools participate. and by participate i mean you go down there to the front and perform. sounds nifty, till you realize that the people who go down there are split into two groups i think, theres the group of people who always participate. "me me me me me mememememe pick MEEEEe!!!" those kids, they always want to go down. then theres the other group of people who think they are funny, but they arent. and thinking off the top of your head isnt easy for everyone. because most people use 2% of their brain... and some, considerably less. and these are the ones that in a improve group think its ok for a punchline to come on after 4minutes of godawful silence because its still funny, absolutely not. groups of foolish people. and i already participated in this wonderous repeating disaster of thinking off the top of your head funny making once. nd i might do it again, because i had an ok if not to say good result in my first fabulous comedic outing.... pfh. see if i do that again. goodnight im going to bed.

ugh.

the bored is back up... but it looks like shite.
wish i could play with the font sizes but the bastards wont let me...
if i knew more code... if only.
im gonna have something up by monday.

i pay 24000 to come here and watch girls in short shorts.

back at college.
seems like fun aside from getting up at 8 or 9 in the morning.
regardless. i have an idea stuck in my head for something similar to the "moo dammit" thing i did a while back.
if anyone else looks at this page wouldnt it be nice if you let me know you do. otherwise i get bloody lethargic and will end up ignoring this... so basically, what i am askin for here is free publicity. if you like "moo dammit" then be kind and share.
something similar will go up soon... possibly over labor day weekend.
so yeah.... did i mention i tend to prefer the bottom half.
my university is in a magazine this year! 10 points if you know which one, pervert. girls are pretty.

i said moo dammit.

a quick thought that randomly popped into my head one night as i drove home after a rather pitiful friday night outing.
animals go to heaven right? (im assuming you nodded your head instead of actually talking to your monitor and saying "yes".... if you said no, your soul is a little darker than it should be, but what would i know, not like im a regular or even irregular church going fellow)
anyway, lets assume animals go to heaven, because dogs go to heaven i saw it in a movie. and therefore cats should go as well dont know about black ones, but thats a technical issue the angels with pigeon wings can figure out on their own. well if cats and dogs go, then all pets go, cause its fair that even your pet turtle should go to heaven. so if pets go, then bunnies go. and if bunnies go then so do chickens, hogs, horses, cows, etc... in short every animal ends up in heaven. cause i have yet to encounter an evil animal. i mean truly evil. bad animals, yes i know of some bad dogs, mad animals too. but an evil animal? if you can find me one instance of a turtle being just plain evil, please let me know.
anyway. we die and go to heaven. and we arrive at heaven at the doorman checks our name on his massive list (think heaven has gone digital? maybe its one of those personal organizers "palm" things now..) and then we get the shock of our lives when jesus and moses both show up and speak in an odd middle eastern accent. because jesus was/is (whats the proper usage here "was" or "is"?) middle eastern and not from the better part of bloody london! so be ready for when you hear jesus recite everything in a slightly Apu sounding fashion (kinda knocks the awe out of hearing charlton heston read the commandments when you know he should sound like a ny cabbie...). anyway....
so we go through the pearly gates and we get our white robes and healthy supply of bleach (gotta keep 'em white). and we see our pets... all those dogs and cats and others that died through various methods... and were all so happy and you jump and frolic (i dont frolic anymore) and play with them for a bit. and then...
and this was my point.
the cows come home. and the lead cow, the one with the bell (if i ever become a cow im going to make sure i get the damn bell because nobody kills the cow with the bell) comes over and demands its reparations. reparations?? oh indeed. for all the crap you did to it when it was down on earth. that could would be quite mad. a very mad cow. because the damn things dont have it too nice down here in the first place. i would be very pissed (and im guessing you would be too, especially the fine females) if every morning somebody came up and starting pulling on my teats! i mean damn! wouldnt you be looking for reparations if i just strolled into your home one morning and started handling your breasts? (if you dont, feel free to drop me an email someday and we'll see just how un-pissed you would be) and aside from that. lets then pretend you were getting coffee one afternoon and i walked up and slammed your best friend in the face with a massive hammer. would you be a little ticked then? thats what happens to the poor cows. so yeah, they might be looking for a little reparation from us. (on top of this you have some rather high pitched bulls who want to know what you wanted with their huevos and if they could please have them back) and if you manage to calm the angry cows, and thats a big IF. then you have to deal with the chickens!
yes the chickens. you stole their babies every morning. every bloody morning you would sneak in and steal the eggs. some chickens might be happy about that cause they were sluts anyway and they had no way to feed 50 little chickens, so you did them a favor in that case... but the regular house-wife type chickens, oh they would be looking to give you a beating. and the hogs would come in after that.
maybe thats a reason to become a vegetarian...
i like meat.
-
unrelated but.... listen to the streets. the music not the actual physical streets, you might get runover, listen to the group that makes the music called the streets. i should mention, they are british. in case you hate and despise the way things sound when pronounced properly. um... thank you.

i died.
i died last night. ill let you (whoever it is that reads this thing) know when i come around once more to my happier self.
for now i die all over again.

eventually evolution.

theres been a lack of updates because i was in final exams and projects were due and they just took up a lot of my time....

anyway
mama, im coming home. it may be a black sabbath (or is it an ozzy solo credit that i should use here) song, and i am using it in the same way ozzy did back when he was still semi coherent. which is to say, at the end of his tours (in my case semester, because i cant put on a tour filled with 2 hours of nothing) he would call home and sing the song to his mum. so it takes away from any originality i may have claimed to have had. pulling an all nighter gives you a nice high, you ever notice? its a natural high, so it doesnt involve the kind of controlled substances (odd when you consider that having something controlled means you limit its output and consumption by anyone else yet junkies and burnouts abound everywhere in the us) that people like ozzy and that whole slew of metal hair bands may have possessed and consumed (aerosmith tyler and his guitarist were known as the toxic twins for a reason) long ago. you go through the stage where you feel really drowsy, then you loose the ability to speak properly and sound a lot like ozzy nowadays, and then you get that rush of blood to the head and adrenaline kicks in in its own beautiful way and suddenly you can do anything. granted not for very long, 15 minute bursts of activity seem to be the norm here. least thats how it happens to me... however even if people claim that more is better, not here. pulling too many all nighters in a row will destroy your ability to do anything intelligent. you just become this wandering slob. and while on the matter of sleeping. why is it necessary?
i know that lack of sleep will drive people insane and cause your body to undergo a massive breakdown resulting in your untimely (according to religion i suppose this word is unnecessary because everything was timed to occur exactly as it does... hmmm.. then again, if every person has free will, then even those testing you are undergoing a test of their own, where they had the choice of tempting you or not, and temptation seems to be a matter of situation more than anything. i guess we should all sit outside and occassionally hunt down a bunny or squirrel so we can eat, and never interact because that leads to temptation, kind of like those monks that never speak and live atop mountains, because thats what they do.) now where was i before that? oh right sleep. you would think that in evolutionary-darwin-survival-of-the-fittest type of development the last thing you would want is a gene that causes you to go unconscious every night for a couple of hours because you cant see the sun. and i think that night vision is something we would have developed as we eluded being eaten by things with big teeth and claws that go scratch scratch. because when we developed i think lions, jaguars and cougars and even the bear are far more equipped to survive against an ape... not that i would know, never have i tried to hurl my feces at a bobcat that was intent on eating my left leg, but im pretty sure it wouldnt mind nearly half as much as id mind not having a left leg. so yea, in darwin sense i should not have to sleep, and i should be able to see in the dark. because if i didnt have to sleep, then i could keep watch over my personal well being and that of my little primate offspring during the night when other things are around trying to eat me. and itss not like every animal goes on the same zircadian rhythm, the king of the jungle did not dictate that all animals would have to be in bed by 8 every night (the king of the jungle actually lives in the savannah so thats a bit misleading dont ya think?) and since im awake all night, i should be able to see in the dark, cause otherwise id be swatting at bushes and random twigs with my ferocious "club of beating" all through the night.and the platypus makes no sense, nor does most of australia for that matter. its like the test version of all the other animals. you have things that hop, slither, swim, run, fly or any combination of the above, and i think that weird running lizard comes from there as well. explain the platypus! its like a beaver and a duck got very very confused one dark night (because they cant see in the dark either) and somehow mated, probably some bad berries from that afternoon. and if we are designated lords over animals and they have to serve us.... what possible use do i get from a 3 toed sloth? or a jaguar? or a boa constrictor?? or the blastded annoyance that is the mosquito? with its little buzz buzz all damn night trying to take a little souveneir out of my vein (i need that dammit). and fleas? what about crabs (not the ocean based ones), ticks and lice??
wet=nt to see xmen2 tonight... i love the first five minutes for being simply cool to watch, i dont care if the matrix has revolutionary visuals (i still hate watching keanu fly past pictoresque panoramas just because he can) i like the teleportation thing alam cummings (make up your own joke) did as nightcrawler. it was coo' and anyone who says otherwise is just being plain difficult and thats no good. and being a right bastard is a good thing, but just being a bastard isnt. same thing with being plain difficult. being devil's advocate is good. difficult isnt. difficult is to close to being bitchy. and nobody likes bitchy. bitchy ick. so stop complaining, just realize that if the caveman with nightvision standing to the left of the other caveman hadnt been crushed under that boulder (nobody said nightvision came after intelligence and common sense) we would all be able to see in the dark now. and darwinism is failing nowadays, stupid genes are beeing allowed to prosper and fugly genes are spreading haphazardly throughout our gene pool. its like the filter broke down and we decided that our gene pool looks kind of nice with a greenish tint so we dont call the repair man/woman (political correctness at work... technically person so as to not leave out transvestites, hermaphrodites and the sexually ambiguous) we have to many ways of preventing a stupid (mentally challenged he is not... i mean common-sense-impaired) person from fulfilling his role in society (to die in a very stupid way, so that we who survive realize how much better we are than the now deceased individual). dont help them, their defective. let them go according to survival of the fittest. because i dont see how not knowing not to check a gas tank with a match is a positive thing to pass on to future generations. i swear to god or whatever deity resides up above (or maybe its really just a little to the left of where we think it is) that someday that stupid gene is going to shoot/maim/kill/dominate the common sense gene everywhere. and can you imagine if we ever get to dominate the genes well enough that you order your baby through e-bay by clicking on little check boxes (height = small, medium, large... hair color = black, blonde (specify shade, barbie or dirty) brunette, redhead... ethnicity = american, other, random etc etc) and your baby formula (just add filtered vitamin water and bake for 30 minutes) arrives in your mail tube the next hour. at that point what happens? we all become equal all of a sudden? we all have iq numbers astronomically high and we all look exactly alike and wander our lives with little to distinguish ourselves from everyone else. it will be like the idealized america from the 40's. i think im done for tonight.
maybe in a week ill do this again.
stream of consciousness is fun.

cafepress
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15 segundos. es todo lo necesario.
en ese tiempo tu amor se puede expresar. una aceptacion o rechaso puede darse. pero aun mas...
los 15 segundos en una esquina cualquiera.
en el coche, la madre se recuerda de los carinos de su padre mientras espera el cambio de la luz. a su lado, su hijo mira a la chica que cruza la calle. la chica llora por su novio. el novio muere en un hospital a esa hora al otro lado de la ciudad. sus padres se derrumban adentro. y en el cuarto de al lado, una mujer soltera da vida, y un hombre camina por primera vez en una decada aunque deberia haber muerto hace tiempos ya muy lejos. en la esquina de la calle, un hombre paga por su cafe. la mesera piensa en lo que habra sido de su vida. un chico le tiene compasion a la chica que llora y se le acerca. en el cafe, un chico le pide matrimonio a su chica. la chica le acepta y sus vidas cambian. en el bano, una chica se prepara para el suicidio. afuera, una chica le espera con su amor envuelto en una caja aterciopelada. en un coche, un hombre decide proponer una guerra. a su lado, otro considera dar ayuda humanitaria. otro coche, un hombre piensa como gasto su vida, y no mira. los hombres de guerra y paz han muerto, el de la vida, ha tenido un cambio de mentalidad. una mujer afuera del cafe decide que quiere tener hijo. le sigue una mujer llorando por el hijo que ya no va a tener. en direccion contraria, un chico le dice la verdad a su chica. en su casa, la chica esta sin consolacion. un chico entretiene pensamientos de lujuria por la chica de la minifalda. la chica por fin entiende la formula quimica. dos desconocidos se hacen conocidos por la gracia de la fortuna ciega. la pareja comparte su primer beso. dos personas se miran y deciden no hablarse. otras dos se ven de manera verdadera por primera vez sobre un cafe. en la ventana encima de la calle, el autor termina su libro, y el artista empieza su obra. una bala cruza la calle y una vida se apaga. los ninos juegan. uno se cae y su brazo se quiebra causando la perdida al mundo de el futuro atleta que revolucionara el mundo. al mismo tiempo, se hace un descubrimiento en el laboratorio que hara que la virus del sida termine su existencia. una chica se entrega a su novio por primera vez en su apartamento. ahi cerca, asaltan a una mujer. el asaltante le pide disculpas en su cabeza. lejos, una familia pobre espera el regreso de su padre con ansiedad. la radio tira una cancion, y su artista se encuentra en un callejon endrogado. y yo me acuesto cerrando mis ojos. y la ciudad respira, y empiesan otros quince segundos.
y tu que haras con tus proximos 15 segundos?

me recuerdo de mi futuro.
no se como. pero ayer tuve recuerdos de mis futuros.
multiples y diversos, eran inumerables. desde mi nacimiento hasta la noche de hoy, todo estaba descubierto ahi. y cada decision que tome, e incluso aquellas que falle en tomar... ahi vi su efecto en mi presente. y viendo tanto posibilidad, tanta variacion, note que todo camino tenia su comienso en una instancia diminuta. un encuentro al azar que nunca sucedio, la hora cuando me fui y la del retorno, palabras dichas al momento sin razon y las nunca dichas, la mirada echada en cierta direccion, donde coloque mi mano esa noche e inumerables eventos mas; cosas que carecen de importancia en su momento. ahora que puedo ver los futuros que he dejado pasar, siento una depresion venir. con tanta posibilidad, y tanto que me ha sutilmente dejado atras, no me sirve la imaginacion para ver donde terminare y cuantas vidas mas podre haber vivido. peor aun, sera esta la mejor opcion? sera posible que pudiera disfrutar de algo aun mejor? aun no me he levantado para ver mi vida. hay demasiado en este mundo como para poder hacerlo todo en una sola pasada...
-
"dont ask. it doesnt matter why." or "i dont care enough to know why."

dont take this personally
not to upset anyone. but it seems that the christian blogs tend to end on the same note over and over again. "oh well, i guess god has a plan and he knows whats best so ill just sit back and wait for it to be revealed to me."
its an observation is all.... but i do think that perhaps there should be slightly more initiative displayed... less of the "ill leave up to someone else" type attitude that seems to be catching on like a rampant plague, and more of the "im going to do this..."
because if we follow the christian train of thought, whatever you do has already been planned beforehand (unless your doing something slightly off like placing explosives in cars and bullets in heads, then its a matter of free will, but thats a complicated issue so lets move on), so taking an action isnt as horrible as you think. just go.
do what you really feel like doing because in theory you should no longer be that concerned with doing the wrong thing or undertaking that which god doesnt want you to. if anything, your past christian experiences have given you a good idea of what it is that is expected of you, so you should be relatively safe in whatever option you choose (because you are only considering options that fall in line with your beliefs, so theres no truly wrong choice...)
on the other hand.. you are not judged by actions. so doing something that in hindsight you shouldnt have, shouldnt be that large a problem (not in the overblown existential way some people make it out to be), because no one is asking you to be a pope or the perfect role model for young blonde haired children everywhere...
so just do something! you cant sit there hoping and praying for days on end... if you do that then you have a series of problems (not psychological or anything like that...) because you cannot make a quick decision if one where to appear. instead you would be confused and so caught up in trying to outhink god that the opportunity would pass you by. at which point you turnaround and say, "oh well, probably for the best because thats what god wanted."
rubbish. you assume that a god would test only to see if his subjects would fall. what stops that same god from testing to see if you have learned from past test's that have been given to you (think of it like that pavlov experiment, but on a much grander scale with multiple conditioners) to see if you can make the proper choice on your own because you have learned what it is that god is expecting from you? why do you need to constantly be turned and guided in the proper direction like so many infants? have you not, once again theoretically, grown matured and developed in the "right" (in quotations because it depends on who you ask... buddhists would disagree with you like you do with them) path/lifestyle, then you should be able to live it without constantly having to resort to the user manual and customer support.
you know what.... take what you will from this....
me, i have issues with organized religion (or any religion led by humanity on supposedly divine sources that where interpreted by the "imperfect" humans in the first place...)
im going to go kick something.
you have fun doing what you do.

me learn edd

curiously enough if you talk too much you can come off as being quite stupid.
nothing against those with a gift of gab, but the more you say, then the more opportunity you give the stupid in your brain from coming out your mouth. see, if you constantly talk, then probability says you will say something stupid. youll kill a joke, youll say something you shouldnt, etc etc.
so the trick here then, based on that, is that you should say very little.
and what you do say should be either ridiculousy funny, or remarkably intelligent (or both if your a cocky son of a bitch).
because if you say something intelligent but then bury it under thirty minutes of rubbish and incoherent babbling no one is going to remember the smart thing you said, instead they will remember that you just went on and on about nothing in particular (which many people do when they fancy a person... just watch em). on the other hand, say only the intelligent phrase, and people will assume your smarter than you really are.
its a matter of proportions.
intelligent comments/all comments.
you want to keep those fairly close, of course we can also include in there,
witty or funny comments+intelligent comments/all comments > stupid comments (squared)/all comments.
this is the desired ratio. obviously hard to maintain. because everything you say is factored into that equation, so every time you open your mouth, you risk upsetting the ratios, and we cant have that.
of course we cant have everyone being quiet all the time. so what we need is another addition to the formula..
[#people talking (raised to avg. # of their friends) * comment ratio - (blood alcohol content per person * person)] - [# stupid comments * #of people{raised to 2x#friends you share*awkward silences you caused (cubed)}] = how they will remember you (higher numbers are better, negatives mean you need to stop talking).
this doesnt take into account being caught in lies or acting stupid (vomiting, key-ing cars, staring at other people, wetting your pants [dirty girl], etc.) but that gets rather complicated and doesnt matter too much for me right now.
however. there is an interesting thing. that no matter how stupid something is, if you just run with it, it wont seem that stupid. if you say something stupid (ie. i wish i was a cat when everyone is talking about the latest car and how it does everything but pleasure you), then run with it, just take off and go. this can turn awkward stupid moment into something funny or at least, less weird than people think it is when first hearing it.... unless your a freak in which case you better go back to flossing with your own hair. (thats what they do.)
its all true......
spell check has led to a downfall in my spelling.

been a week.
heres an idea...
evil is necessary.
while people are always looking for ways to abolish evil and set up a world full of right, it really cant be done.
i dont say this because im an anarchist, or because im taking a shot at religion.
but because we legitamitly need evil.
say for instance, in an amazing coincidence and against all laws of probability, you wake up and have the ability to abolish evil next tuesday. so you snap your fingers, sing a sea shanty and "poof" evil is abolished across the land.
well, now what?
now you have no measure as to what is good. because evil and good are only existent if they have each other. its a matter of comparison. if you eliminate evil, then youve eliminated all levels of evil, and there are several ranging from genocide/torture type 7th level of hell evil, to the more mild white lie/wasnt me, slap on the wrist type evil. then all youve really done is made barely good the new evil. so suddenly we all need to lead pope-esque type lives in order to be good because anything less is considered evil.
see it is really hard to envision the absence of evil because all we have is the ability to compare and choose. so we compare lying to telling the truth, and sometimes lying isn't evil, ans sometimes it is.... ie. do i look fat? no - lie (but a good lie, so it isnt evil), yes - evil (because of the entire personal social relationships that we have to work so hard to keep ramifications of that statement, unless she has put on 100 pounds in the last week, in which case you have every right to say yes, and say it loudly and boldly).
so even though im rambling and going on quite a bit... what i mean to say is that there is no way to eliminate evil completely because we need that evil to be able to determine what is good.
or maybe its a matter of justification?
this is rather flimsy (i havent put too much thought into this aspect of it....) but it goes something like this...
assuming you were raised in a cave until the age of 15 (because then you have some sense of reason and whatnot, besides its the number of the channel on the tv.) and then you step outside for the first time and see the following... an eagle (or other large bird) snatching (and in the process effectively killing) a small furry bunny type animal. to you this is evil (assuming your recently-emerged-from-cave-person) because the bird thing killed the small furry bunny type thing. however, when you justify it by saying that the bird needed to eat that bunny thing in order to stay alive, then its not evil (some people even call it the beauty of nature... odd how killing animals is beautiful if done by other animals but wrong if it involves humans anywhere (that bear is mad it attacked a human..... ah, the beauty of nature, that bear just caught a salmon [untrue, it attacked the salmon just as it did the human])) so maybe if we can justify our actions correctly enough we can turn it from un-good to good.
just a thought.

scattered
i dont have a thing to write about. dont know, just felt like i had to write or do something. like that feeling you get that you ought to do something, inevitably yes you are doing something because its quite impossible to do absolutely nothing. So yes, i had to do something.
and the greatest part is, even though i have a desire to write something, i at times realize that i dont have anything to say that is interesting... because i could write all the typical and rather boring day to day trite you can find in millions of other blogs, but you know.. i seriously doubt anyone really cares what kind of sauce i had with my salad, or if i even had a salad for that matter. or at just what hour i had my lunch and who i talked with, etc etc. its fascinatingly boring stuff.
but heres something that ocurred to me earlier and i had forgotten until recently. perhaps we can all agree to this.
lets have everyone who turns 21 spend a year doing community service. not the governmental community service you get assigned for wandering around horribly inebriated the whole of the weekend and deciding that the middle of the engineering mall is the best place for you to expose to the world everything you had go down your throat in the last 12 hours, except in reverse and inside out. not that kind. instead, i want to propose they do social service for those of us who cannot buy the fermentation of barley yet. it seems a fair trade off doesnt it? you bitch when your sub-21 about not being able to acquire alcohol in any easy manner... yet when you do turn 21 suddenly your too f'n busy to go buy some whiskey , rum, lager or beer for your mates. who are bitching about not being 21 like you so they can go buy beer and consume beer and smell of beer. so, lets do this then shall we?
all of you who are 21.. be a righteous bastard, very different from a regular bastard ill explain another day details of bastardization, and buy your younger mates some beer. clearly not for free of course, you have to have a fee. they have to pay for their beer, and a little for your trouble, but not nearly double, just enough for a bottle.
cheers.

quick note.
if you dont know eddie izzard, maybe you should.
i think you should and so do they.

overkill
CNN showed me an image of overkill today. its late so im making this quick.
i get back from an exam and decide to check cnn, just to see how the war is faring over there. cnn has this headline "US destroys Iraqi military vehicles." or something similar, they removed it already and replaced it with something or other featuring a picture of a desert....
anyway, the picture that went with that headline was of this massive piece of weaponry belonging to the US, a multimillion dollar instrument of war.. a tank. a massive tank all decked out in camo. painting.
and in front of this tank is a charred, bombed out, still burning piece of wreckage that was once a jeep.
now, it seems overkill to me to employ a tank against a miniscule jeep. im sure there was a reason..
not like the army just decided that they had this nifty toy and wanted to see how big a crater it left in the sand if they played with it a bit... no im sure this was a tactical decision...
"oh my god! they have a jeep! quick, bring out the tank!"
and the poor Iraqi's are facing off against tanks in their little jeeps... granted, its probably not boiling hot inside the jeep, what with it not having a roof, than the enclosed calustrophobic metallic interior of the tank.
oh well... the war goes on and the city has sex.

flying monkeys
right right so i posted more tonight than i have in a month...
people dream they can fly. people want to fly. sounds great doesnt it. huge wings sprout out your back and off you go.
right right....
bunch of us looking like malformed chickens going around in circles up there....
see, i dont think we should be allowed to develop into flying creatures.. we have enough trouble walking, flying would mess too many of us up....
picture the drunks.. who can barely walk trying to negotiate a third direction. just sort of wafting there... like a leaf. or worse yet like chickens... lots of flapping but they dont get around to actually flying.
or they get all loaded up on testosterone and they try besting each other by going higher than the last one... and they end up way high in the stratosphere where eventually the limited air being funneled into their little meatpacked brains causes them to pass out and come crashing down in a brilliant display of feathery mayhem. smash right into a field somewhere leaving a decently shaped crater for the tourists to look at and a little plaque reading "here lies bob. flew too high the drunken slob." all over the countryside, hundreds of little craters and plaques. or maybe they fly out to sea.. just off they go because it was a good idea after having brandy. so they go off. and then they fall asleep, as drunks do at random moments, like when they go driving there new sports car at speeds man was never meant to go then they nod off and your neighbors cat goes pfhhh in a small furry explosion. but they fall asleep and drown and wash up on shore many a week later, that would be a nasty surprise wouldnt it? and not to mention the new places they could suddenly decide to relieve themselves...
but what about all the sober individuals? surely they cant cause such grievous things right. WRONG.
consider learning to fly. we barely manage to learn to walk at around a year (i think, i dont have kids i dont know how they work or anything like that, i do know how to make one though... i have a pamphlet.) consider babies learning to fly. just babies everywhere slamming into windows. and grownups would be much better off... get caught in a draft and suddenly your smashing into the side of the office building. just slam and suddently your in joe's office. would be funny to see though, a man in an office suit just slamming into the side of your window. hundreds of them all over the city... slam slam slam all around.
people would eventually find the wings sexy.. and magazines would sprout up showing the best plumage, yes plumage, available by very liberal young girls and boys/men (i dont know if women really do watch porn the same way guys do). but would they be focused on wingspan or feathers? i mean on how full the feathers seem? i guess women would gather round and talk about the impressive wingspan of the guys they have "flown the coop (?)," "done the chicken dance" with. and guys might be more interested in, screw it i guess the breast still... Women might color their wings and feathers, maybe get some surgery on them so they look fuller.. and teenagers would get them pierced of course. just a huge loop on the left wing, kinda heavy so the poor kid always fly's a bit to the left. other kids poke fun at him for it, but thats okay because hes part of the new goth look, where he tries to look like a crow. but this is all speculation...
maybe we never even develope far enough to fly... maybe we end up like the ostrich or penguin.. we have wings but they are completely useless.
we just wobble around unable to do anything but flap them in wishful thinking. and youd think childbirth would be a severe pain. then again maybe theyd be hatching eggs by then... no orphanages, just a whole bunch of hatcheries across the nation.and skydiving would be futile.. whats the risk if you can just fly anyway, not like your gonna hit the ground... and if we come from eggs... would we still eat chicken eggs/embryos?
ah the dilemmas of a bored individual. and yes this came about because of a large victorias secret angels poster i saw in their window, hard to miss seeing how its 100feet tall, and its next to the toy store anyway.
if anyone can get me a VS poster, the ones they have in the store, thatd be cool.

this is a waste of space
someday i will learn how to format actual paragraphs.

remember that time when....
ever realize how some people have this horrible condition where they cannot tell an entertaining story?
i know some people who love talking. they go on and on for hours on end on some self righteous self gratifying spiel regarding the latest mini drama in their life... but, even though interesting things might or might not have happened, it completely fails to sound interesting in any way. they talk, so if i was deathly afraid of utter silence they would be ideal, but they arent exactly fun.
stories should at least make a person laugh, chuckle, giggle, smirk, cough, react somehow. instead with their stories i mostly just sit there and concentrate on not letting my drool spill over too far. sometimes i imagine their head slowly inflating till it burst open, or maybe a strong slap.
just slap right across the face. nice and quick, catch them completely off guard and then just slap. maybe that will do something to their ability to tell a story. or not. either way i win.
just make an effort to tell a story right ok. dont stop halfway going "oh yeah i forgot to mention that...." cause then it sounds made up. and if a supposedly funny story falls flat, let it go.. dont keep going assuming that if you embellish the story enough it will eventually become funny. and be prepared for backlash in that situation, because we (we = those of us who didnt like your story telling ability and can at least occasionally/sporadically be amusing) will poke fun at you for a while.... cover it up if you want by saying "guess you had to be there." doesnt always work but at least you tried. but for god's sake, dont assume we want to know why you think it was terribly funny how you couldnt find a matching pair of socks that morning, or how you love the way X guys/girls hair curves slightly to the right at a specific angle but only when their head is tilted slightly to the right letting some light shine through it and how you wish you could touch it and how great that makes you feel inside... honestly most people really dont care about that, so stop being self absorbed.
saying you like the person... ok. saying it every 10 minutes and having every conversation end on that person. not so good. analyzing everything and comparing everything to how that person does it.... very f'n bad, at that point you deserve to have something horrid happen to you... something involving acid or a small furry dog im not sure, but something.
finally, on the amazing story telling rant i have gone off on here (stream of consciousness, whatya gonna do?)... its the amazing conversations of college students.. now im not saying anything bad about college students, im one myself at blarghiblugh college. but do they always have to talk about how piss drunk they were that weekend, how they vomited at the corner light in front of this person and how someone snapped a picture after they fell down in the middle of the street with the vomit streaming down their shirt after being in a stuffy bar slamming down the fermentation of various grains, vegetables and fruits for several hours and making a complete ass of themselves in front of complete strangers in the hope that they would find someone else who was equally loaded on fermentation juice to decide that the best course of action for the night is to go home with the guy who smells of tobacco, cheap fermentation with drool and vomit coming out the side of their mouth with a hand eye coordination that denotes no possible ability to do anything even remotely interesting in the sexual area, if they manage to stay conscious long enough to get that far into the process and how they awoke the next morning in the most horrible pain they have ever experienced and can only relate to some odd form of childbirth involving their head, something that didnt go away until late tuesday night, but how they hope to repeat the entire process again starting thursday.
because that is what i hear every fucking monday-wednesday in class. 2 people discussing their same boring drunk night out. the same dull story repeated over and over. oh the scenery and location may change, yes. but its the same story. went out. got drunk. vomited. talked to someone. came home. vomited. passed out. woke up here. repeat ad-nauseum.
im sick and tired of it. someone give the drunks a new story to tell, please. i need variety in my class entertainment.

decaf is bastardized coffee.
at some point i will have something genuinely interesting to write here. for the time being i dont have much.
only one thing. if you are somebodies roommate i suppose you could talk to the bloody person.
as great as it seems having a silent roommate who does nothing but sit in his bed watching the tele all freaking day occasionally filling the room with the allpowerful smell of hot dogs is not the great situation it seems.
For god's (or allah's, buddah's zeus' whatever your chosen deity is) sake! say something, anything. dont just sit there gathering filth in the most blatant display of sloth that i have yet to witness.
eh. 5 weeks and i will never see this person again. or maybe i will but i wont have to interact with him in any meaningful way... or something similar to that.

its far too late for me to think of anything interesting at the moment. im going to bed now.
try me again tomorrow.
i may have something for you then.