flying monkeys
right right so i posted more tonight than i have in a month...
people dream they can fly. people want to fly. sounds great doesnt it. huge wings sprout out your back and off you go.
right right....
bunch of us looking like malformed chickens going around in circles up there....
see, i dont think we should be allowed to develop into flying creatures.. we have enough trouble walking, flying would mess too many of us up....
picture the drunks.. who can barely walk trying to negotiate a third direction. just sort of wafting there... like a leaf. or worse yet like chickens... lots of flapping but they dont get around to actually flying.
or they get all loaded up on testosterone and they try besting each other by going higher than the last one... and they end up way high in the stratosphere where eventually the limited air being funneled into their little meatpacked brains causes them to pass out and come crashing down in a brilliant display of feathery mayhem. smash right into a field somewhere leaving a decently shaped crater for the tourists to look at and a little plaque reading "here lies bob. flew too high the drunken slob." all over the countryside, hundreds of little craters and plaques. or maybe they fly out to sea.. just off they go because it was a good idea after having brandy. so they go off. and then they fall asleep, as drunks do at random moments, like when they go driving there new sports car at speeds man was never meant to go then they nod off and your neighbors cat goes pfhhh in a small furry explosion. but they fall asleep and drown and wash up on shore many a week later, that would be a nasty surprise wouldnt it? and not to mention the new places they could suddenly decide to relieve themselves...
but what about all the sober individuals? surely they cant cause such grievous things right. WRONG.
consider learning to fly. we barely manage to learn to walk at around a year (i think, i dont have kids i dont know how they work or anything like that, i do know how to make one though... i have a pamphlet.) consider babies learning to fly. just babies everywhere slamming into windows. and grownups would be much better off... get caught in a draft and suddenly your smashing into the side of the office building. just slam and suddently your in joe's office. would be funny to see though, a man in an office suit just slamming into the side of your window. hundreds of them all over the city... slam slam slam all around.
people would eventually find the wings sexy.. and magazines would sprout up showing the best plumage, yes plumage, available by very liberal young girls and boys/men (i dont know if women really do watch porn the same way guys do). but would they be focused on wingspan or feathers? i mean on how full the feathers seem? i guess women would gather round and talk about the impressive wingspan of the guys they have "flown the coop (?)," "done the chicken dance" with. and guys might be more interested in, screw it i guess the breast still... Women might color their wings and feathers, maybe get some surgery on them so they look fuller.. and teenagers would get them pierced of course. just a huge loop on the left wing, kinda heavy so the poor kid always fly's a bit to the left. other kids poke fun at him for it, but thats okay because hes part of the new goth look, where he tries to look like a crow. but this is all speculation...
maybe we never even develope far enough to fly... maybe we end up like the ostrich or penguin.. we have wings but they are completely useless.
we just wobble around unable to do anything but flap them in wishful thinking. and youd think childbirth would be a severe pain. then again maybe theyd be hatching eggs by then... no orphanages, just a whole bunch of hatcheries across the nation.and skydiving would be futile.. whats the risk if you can just fly anyway, not like your gonna hit the ground... and if we come from eggs... would we still eat chicken eggs/embryos?
ah the dilemmas of a bored individual. and yes this came about because of a large victorias secret angels poster i saw in their window, hard to miss seeing how its 100feet tall, and its next to the toy store anyway.
if anyone can get me a VS poster, the ones they have in the store, thatd be cool.
31.3.03
remember that time when....
ever realize how some people have this horrible condition where they cannot tell an entertaining story?
i know some people who love talking. they go on and on for hours on end on some self righteous self gratifying spiel regarding the latest mini drama in their life... but, even though interesting things might or might not have happened, it completely fails to sound interesting in any way. they talk, so if i was deathly afraid of utter silence they would be ideal, but they arent exactly fun.
stories should at least make a person laugh, chuckle, giggle, smirk, cough, react somehow. instead with their stories i mostly just sit there and concentrate on not letting my drool spill over too far. sometimes i imagine their head slowly inflating till it burst open, or maybe a strong slap.
just slap right across the face. nice and quick, catch them completely off guard and then just slap. maybe that will do something to their ability to tell a story. or not. either way i win.
just make an effort to tell a story right ok. dont stop halfway going "oh yeah i forgot to mention that...." cause then it sounds made up. and if a supposedly funny story falls flat, let it go.. dont keep going assuming that if you embellish the story enough it will eventually become funny. and be prepared for backlash in that situation, because we (we = those of us who didnt like your story telling ability and can at least occasionally/sporadically be amusing) will poke fun at you for a while.... cover it up if you want by saying "guess you had to be there." doesnt always work but at least you tried. but for god's sake, dont assume we want to know why you think it was terribly funny how you couldnt find a matching pair of socks that morning, or how you love the way X guys/girls hair curves slightly to the right at a specific angle but only when their head is tilted slightly to the right letting some light shine through it and how you wish you could touch it and how great that makes you feel inside... honestly most people really dont care about that, so stop being self absorbed.
saying you like the person... ok. saying it every 10 minutes and having every conversation end on that person. not so good. analyzing everything and comparing everything to how that person does it.... very f'n bad, at that point you deserve to have something horrid happen to you... something involving acid or a small furry dog im not sure, but something.
finally, on the amazing story telling rant i have gone off on here (stream of consciousness, whatya gonna do?)... its the amazing conversations of college students.. now im not saying anything bad about college students, im one myself at blarghiblugh college. but do they always have to talk about how piss drunk they were that weekend, how they vomited at the corner light in front of this person and how someone snapped a picture after they fell down in the middle of the street with the vomit streaming down their shirt after being in a stuffy bar slamming down the fermentation of various grains, vegetables and fruits for several hours and making a complete ass of themselves in front of complete strangers in the hope that they would find someone else who was equally loaded on fermentation juice to decide that the best course of action for the night is to go home with the guy who smells of tobacco, cheap fermentation with drool and vomit coming out the side of their mouth with a hand eye coordination that denotes no possible ability to do anything even remotely interesting in the sexual area, if they manage to stay conscious long enough to get that far into the process and how they awoke the next morning in the most horrible pain they have ever experienced and can only relate to some odd form of childbirth involving their head, something that didnt go away until late tuesday night, but how they hope to repeat the entire process again starting thursday.
because that is what i hear every fucking monday-wednesday in class. 2 people discussing their same boring drunk night out. the same dull story repeated over and over. oh the scenery and location may change, yes. but its the same story. went out. got drunk. vomited. talked to someone. came home. vomited. passed out. woke up here. repeat ad-nauseum.
im sick and tired of it. someone give the drunks a new story to tell, please. i need variety in my class entertainment.
ever realize how some people have this horrible condition where they cannot tell an entertaining story?
i know some people who love talking. they go on and on for hours on end on some self righteous self gratifying spiel regarding the latest mini drama in their life... but, even though interesting things might or might not have happened, it completely fails to sound interesting in any way. they talk, so if i was deathly afraid of utter silence they would be ideal, but they arent exactly fun.
stories should at least make a person laugh, chuckle, giggle, smirk, cough, react somehow. instead with their stories i mostly just sit there and concentrate on not letting my drool spill over too far. sometimes i imagine their head slowly inflating till it burst open, or maybe a strong slap.
just slap right across the face. nice and quick, catch them completely off guard and then just slap. maybe that will do something to their ability to tell a story. or not. either way i win.
just make an effort to tell a story right ok. dont stop halfway going "oh yeah i forgot to mention that...." cause then it sounds made up. and if a supposedly funny story falls flat, let it go.. dont keep going assuming that if you embellish the story enough it will eventually become funny. and be prepared for backlash in that situation, because we (we = those of us who didnt like your story telling ability and can at least occasionally/sporadically be amusing) will poke fun at you for a while.... cover it up if you want by saying "guess you had to be there." doesnt always work but at least you tried. but for god's sake, dont assume we want to know why you think it was terribly funny how you couldnt find a matching pair of socks that morning, or how you love the way X guys/girls hair curves slightly to the right at a specific angle but only when their head is tilted slightly to the right letting some light shine through it and how you wish you could touch it and how great that makes you feel inside... honestly most people really dont care about that, so stop being self absorbed.
saying you like the person... ok. saying it every 10 minutes and having every conversation end on that person. not so good. analyzing everything and comparing everything to how that person does it.... very f'n bad, at that point you deserve to have something horrid happen to you... something involving acid or a small furry dog im not sure, but something.
finally, on the amazing story telling rant i have gone off on here (stream of consciousness, whatya gonna do?)... its the amazing conversations of college students.. now im not saying anything bad about college students, im one myself at blarghiblugh college. but do they always have to talk about how piss drunk they were that weekend, how they vomited at the corner light in front of this person and how someone snapped a picture after they fell down in the middle of the street with the vomit streaming down their shirt after being in a stuffy bar slamming down the fermentation of various grains, vegetables and fruits for several hours and making a complete ass of themselves in front of complete strangers in the hope that they would find someone else who was equally loaded on fermentation juice to decide that the best course of action for the night is to go home with the guy who smells of tobacco, cheap fermentation with drool and vomit coming out the side of their mouth with a hand eye coordination that denotes no possible ability to do anything even remotely interesting in the sexual area, if they manage to stay conscious long enough to get that far into the process and how they awoke the next morning in the most horrible pain they have ever experienced and can only relate to some odd form of childbirth involving their head, something that didnt go away until late tuesday night, but how they hope to repeat the entire process again starting thursday.
because that is what i hear every fucking monday-wednesday in class. 2 people discussing their same boring drunk night out. the same dull story repeated over and over. oh the scenery and location may change, yes. but its the same story. went out. got drunk. vomited. talked to someone. came home. vomited. passed out. woke up here. repeat ad-nauseum.
im sick and tired of it. someone give the drunks a new story to tell, please. i need variety in my class entertainment.
decaf is bastardized coffee.
at some point i will have something genuinely interesting to write here. for the time being i dont have much.
only one thing. if you are somebodies roommate i suppose you could talk to the bloody person.
as great as it seems having a silent roommate who does nothing but sit in his bed watching the tele all freaking day occasionally filling the room with the allpowerful smell of hot dogs is not the great situation it seems.
For god's (or allah's, buddah's zeus' whatever your chosen deity is) sake! say something, anything. dont just sit there gathering filth in the most blatant display of sloth that i have yet to witness.
eh. 5 weeks and i will never see this person again. or maybe i will but i wont have to interact with him in any meaningful way... or something similar to that.
at some point i will have something genuinely interesting to write here. for the time being i dont have much.
only one thing. if you are somebodies roommate i suppose you could talk to the bloody person.
as great as it seems having a silent roommate who does nothing but sit in his bed watching the tele all freaking day occasionally filling the room with the allpowerful smell of hot dogs is not the great situation it seems.
For god's (or allah's, buddah's zeus' whatever your chosen deity is) sake! say something, anything. dont just sit there gathering filth in the most blatant display of sloth that i have yet to witness.
eh. 5 weeks and i will never see this person again. or maybe i will but i wont have to interact with him in any meaningful way... or something similar to that.
