ive been thinking. seeing how i always have to walk home, which gives me a nice long time to think about anything that happened prior to my starting that walk home, or what should happen after that walk... whatever, point is, every day i have a walk ahead of me. aside from causing an excess of wear and tear to the souls of my shoes it means that nearly every day i end up reflecting on this or that... which is generally considered a good thing by some people, but ive learned to dislike it.
i only have those wonderful introspective moments when things are breaking down. so if things are going well, if its a great wonderful genuinely nice day, there is no thinking on the walk, just acceptance. because why question it when it all works and comes together real nice? theres no point. but when things start to slide...
its infuriating. usually even more so, because i cant really do much as the walk goes on aside from following one train of thought down to some bs conclusion which ill have a hell of a time explaining to anyone by the time i see them because itll be a while later and ill forget exactly how i arrived to any conclusion at all. not to mention sometimes its less about reaching a conclusion.
sometimes its just a walk in which a certain emotion just takes hold and oh undirected nervousness i despise it. just being nervous for nervous sake, its horrible because your all tense and waiting for this thing to happen or worried that something is going to happen but you cant quite discern what and you get all jumpy and you just want it to either happen or simply get away from everyone and everything and dissapear into a tiny little hole that is home... yeah its like the beginning of some mental disease that eats away at your brain and then has you living in a forest on a hill somewhere in a little shack sending little homemade explosives to anonymous people. point is... today was one of those walks.
i had too much time to think, and its not healthy. im nervous about things. and i know i did wrong. its almost self destructive. im not sure why i do what i do, neither then and much less now. however it may not be as big an issue as i think it is, especially because i dwelled on it as i took my walk and i dont know if they did or not. so i might not have any reason to think what i think... except i wish i didnt have anything to think about today.
9.12.04
29.11.04
come again?
so in thinking about the whole zen-buddhism thing where everything needs to be in balance and every right has its wrong and light has shadow and so forth and so forth... then the good times, the highs, the times when everything is going blissfully fine and nothing should ever change, has to be followed by absolute shit.
right?
i mean if the entire equality thing is going to work, then good times need to be balanced out by bad ones. this is something that makes me very paranoid about the good times. its as if as soon as i realize that im having good times i start getting really worried about the bad ones that should follow. so im constantly seeing little things that shouldnt matter as the first of a chain of things. and oddly enough, im usually right...
its a repetition. things come full circle.
right?
i mean if the entire equality thing is going to work, then good times need to be balanced out by bad ones. this is something that makes me very paranoid about the good times. its as if as soon as i realize that im having good times i start getting really worried about the bad ones that should follow. so im constantly seeing little things that shouldnt matter as the first of a chain of things. and oddly enough, im usually right...
its a repetition. things come full circle.
17.11.04
im naming my first ulcer after you.
sometimes i think it would be nice to already know how a relationship with someone will end up. that way you can tailor the first impression to match. so that if you meet someone who will end up being an asshole, you can greet him as one to begin with. or if a girl is to just mess up one of your friends, then you can treat her then as you would after the fact. it would make us all a little more honest. instead of pretending to be all nice and prim and proper (usually anyway) on first meeting people and then letting people onto the fact that you can be a right mean bastard.
just a thought... this is why i shouldnt study, never can focus.
just a thought... this is why i shouldnt study, never can focus.
8.11.04
bound.
so many pleasant things are eternally bound by unpleasantness.
beginnings have ends. which could be argued to merely be the beginnings of something else and not a true end.
night gives way to daylight. despite my best efforts and countless pleading otherwise.
there are several examples one can give, but the only one that keeps repeating itself in my head is this one...
that a greeting is always to be followed by a farewell.
i think as it is, that ive said enough of them. i dont want to say anymore goodbyes.
and sooner than i would like ill have to say plenty.
beginnings have ends. which could be argued to merely be the beginnings of something else and not a true end.
night gives way to daylight. despite my best efforts and countless pleading otherwise.
there are several examples one can give, but the only one that keeps repeating itself in my head is this one...
that a greeting is always to be followed by a farewell.
i think as it is, that ive said enough of them. i dont want to say anymore goodbyes.
and sooner than i would like ill have to say plenty.
27.10.04
jonesing.
the last three jones cream soda quips:
1.people find it difficult to resist your persuasive manner.
2.look for priceless news from a loved one.
3.you and your partner will be happy in your life together.
i think my cream soda is taking far to active an interest in my life.
sorry jonesy, im not liking this new found seriousness. i want my cream soda to be fun, not analytical and definately not advice giving. watch yourself jonesy, or im going back to drinking sprite when i want something light, clear and refreshing yet still carbonated.
1.people find it difficult to resist your persuasive manner.
2.look for priceless news from a loved one.
3.you and your partner will be happy in your life together.
i think my cream soda is taking far to active an interest in my life.
sorry jonesy, im not liking this new found seriousness. i want my cream soda to be fun, not analytical and definately not advice giving. watch yourself jonesy, or im going back to drinking sprite when i want something light, clear and refreshing yet still carbonated.
only thing worse than bad memories, is no memories at all.
im bored.
i dont have anything to do. and my roomate is asleep. meaning i have to keep quiet and sit in limited lighting. there is very little i can do in this type of environment.
so i, despite my best efforts, had a thought.
i have little motivation.
this is why it is really hard for me to get around to doing things for myself, i just assume it will eventually get done, if not by me then by someone. i dont think its my fault really, i blame my parents. there are reasons, and its not that i hate my parents. see ive always been told what my life will be like.
it went something to the tune of, you will finish highschool, then go to college, graduate, come back and manage the things you inherit.
so this is why i am in management, one of the most unstimulating majors i could ever have picked. this is why i dont study, because who cares about management? its too dry. it all seems to be simple common sense. even the marketing ones tend to go that way, but at least they are interesting (any class that drops clues and ideas on how to manipulate people into wanting things they dont need will keep me awake). and ive found i can just coast through classes now (true ive had to retake some classes, but that was from before i got settled) so no effort there. people just tell me what to do eventually, hw on these days, papers done like this and turned in like this on this day, read this, summarize this, tested on this, take this class, take that class. so i just settle in and wait for the next person to tell me what to do. left to my own devices, i just like tinkering with images and little details... but i dont get paid for that, would be nice. but nobody has told me how to do that. they just told me that i should ignore such childish pursuits and focus on a career. which is where i sometimes begin to think about what would have been and could have been. ultimately i always decide that i prefer to keep things the way they are now (now = last 2 years of college, the first two were uneventful, unfulfilling, blase, boring, regrettable utterly forgettable... i just wasnt ready.)
as for a job. a job is something i would like. i used to be infatuated with the idea of london based jobs. but now... now i just want a marketing job somewhere/anywhere. so hopefully next semester ill be motivated in a way that i am not motivated now, and ill actively try for a job (unlike the window shopping im doing now, which is what people did in soph. year... the whole "i like this company. and that one seems good too." thing...)
thing is i dont know if the job im imagining for myself is more marketing or advertising.
itll work itself out. right?
i dont have anything to do. and my roomate is asleep. meaning i have to keep quiet and sit in limited lighting. there is very little i can do in this type of environment.
so i, despite my best efforts, had a thought.
i have little motivation.
this is why it is really hard for me to get around to doing things for myself, i just assume it will eventually get done, if not by me then by someone. i dont think its my fault really, i blame my parents. there are reasons, and its not that i hate my parents. see ive always been told what my life will be like.
it went something to the tune of, you will finish highschool, then go to college, graduate, come back and manage the things you inherit.
so this is why i am in management, one of the most unstimulating majors i could ever have picked. this is why i dont study, because who cares about management? its too dry. it all seems to be simple common sense. even the marketing ones tend to go that way, but at least they are interesting (any class that drops clues and ideas on how to manipulate people into wanting things they dont need will keep me awake). and ive found i can just coast through classes now (true ive had to retake some classes, but that was from before i got settled) so no effort there. people just tell me what to do eventually, hw on these days, papers done like this and turned in like this on this day, read this, summarize this, tested on this, take this class, take that class. so i just settle in and wait for the next person to tell me what to do. left to my own devices, i just like tinkering with images and little details... but i dont get paid for that, would be nice. but nobody has told me how to do that. they just told me that i should ignore such childish pursuits and focus on a career. which is where i sometimes begin to think about what would have been and could have been. ultimately i always decide that i prefer to keep things the way they are now (now = last 2 years of college, the first two were uneventful, unfulfilling, blase, boring, regrettable utterly forgettable... i just wasnt ready.)
as for a job. a job is something i would like. i used to be infatuated with the idea of london based jobs. but now... now i just want a marketing job somewhere/anywhere. so hopefully next semester ill be motivated in a way that i am not motivated now, and ill actively try for a job (unlike the window shopping im doing now, which is what people did in soph. year... the whole "i like this company. and that one seems good too." thing...)
thing is i dont know if the job im imagining for myself is more marketing or advertising.
itll work itself out. right?
24.10.04
13.9.04
:music:re:versed:
velvet revolver. guns n roses with scottweiland fronting it... so we can all sort of relive that era.
H.I.M. seems every goth girl in existence has that pin/tshirt something or other. they claim its goth-rock-love songs. they are finnish if it matters any (so are they). and as much as goth girl go all mushy over the lead singer (go figure a band called him is actually five people...) you know what they sound like... they sound like another goth looking band, and perhaps the soundtrack providers to several 80's gothees nights or days (like they would know the difference, because all is dark and brooding... so twilight.)
the cure. HIM is Smiths bastard child of song. well it is hip to be retro nowadays.
just a point im making.
scissor sisters (im tired of linking, look it up.) sound like something elton john could have done back in his heyday.
the killers (its depeche mode and duran duran all over again with them.) are being heavily promoted in the best buy store here (bear in mind that my best buy sucks some major ass donkey balls.)
so the new sound... is the one we had in the 80s. how odd. there are more bands, but why bother mentioning them, odds are you should know who the retro bands are, unless your young and naive enough to think that there was no music before 1990 except the beatles or the doors. its as if we have been replacing our old bands with new bands that sound stylistically similar to the old ones.
i do need new music though. kind of running out of good new bands.
H.I.M. seems every goth girl in existence has that pin/tshirt something or other. they claim its goth-rock-love songs. they are finnish if it matters any (so are they). and as much as goth girl go all mushy over the lead singer (go figure a band called him is actually five people...) you know what they sound like... they sound like another goth looking band, and perhaps the soundtrack providers to several 80's gothees nights or days (like they would know the difference, because all is dark and brooding... so twilight.)
the cure. HIM is Smiths bastard child of song. well it is hip to be retro nowadays.
just a point im making.
scissor sisters (im tired of linking, look it up.) sound like something elton john could have done back in his heyday.
the killers (its depeche mode and duran duran all over again with them.) are being heavily promoted in the best buy store here (bear in mind that my best buy sucks some major ass donkey balls.)
so the new sound... is the one we had in the 80s. how odd. there are more bands, but why bother mentioning them, odds are you should know who the retro bands are, unless your young and naive enough to think that there was no music before 1990 except the beatles or the doors. its as if we have been replacing our old bands with new bands that sound stylistically similar to the old ones.
i do need new music though. kind of running out of good new bands.
1.9.04
7.8.04
reversing cycles.
im a complete waste.
ive sacrificied the day to favor the night.
twilight is the eternal state during my waking hours, thanks to the cold glow of neon.
im inert. time isnt spent, it just passes.
im on holiday.
so fuck it.
its nice in its own way. i have the rest of my life to be occupied, for now i just want to be free of everything. when else will i be able to be like this anyway.
ive sacrificied the day to favor the night.
twilight is the eternal state during my waking hours, thanks to the cold glow of neon.
im inert. time isnt spent, it just passes.
im on holiday.
so fuck it.
its nice in its own way. i have the rest of my life to be occupied, for now i just want to be free of everything. when else will i be able to be like this anyway.
5.8.04
18.7.04
modern confusion.
as much as i would like to think of myself as a somewhat cultured person who understands art in some way, i just cant wrap my little head around the idea of modern art.
i went to a modern art museum here while i was in london, the tate modern, and all i can say is they have a nice little cafe on the 7th floor that lets you look out over the thames.
as for the art... i dont get it.
lots of lines and spotty coloring, like they never quite understood their teachers when they said stay inside the lines, well some of them do stay in the lines, but its not technically impressive. especially not the large odd shaped boulders with a coat hanger coming out of it... i never understood what it meant, except that maybe it was meant to confuse all who decided to look and study it. i think it would be fun to just leave something lying around to see if they would admire that as well (not because i think i can be a great modern artist, but because id love to see how these people would respond to that).
but i like dali and picasso.
i just dont understand modern art. it seems like i could make something on canvas and then create a meaning to it and have the same result, except i dont have the pedigree that they do cause they went to college for 4 years to learn how to paint the way they do (is it really art when all it is is a block in a uniform shade of blue? does that stand for anything at all?).
what i will give modern art is that its the type of art that would fit in perfectly in office buildings. but i dont understand any of it, and i really dont care.
i went to a modern art museum here while i was in london, the tate modern, and all i can say is they have a nice little cafe on the 7th floor that lets you look out over the thames.
as for the art... i dont get it.
lots of lines and spotty coloring, like they never quite understood their teachers when they said stay inside the lines, well some of them do stay in the lines, but its not technically impressive. especially not the large odd shaped boulders with a coat hanger coming out of it... i never understood what it meant, except that maybe it was meant to confuse all who decided to look and study it. i think it would be fun to just leave something lying around to see if they would admire that as well (not because i think i can be a great modern artist, but because id love to see how these people would respond to that).
but i like dali and picasso.
i just dont understand modern art. it seems like i could make something on canvas and then create a meaning to it and have the same result, except i dont have the pedigree that they do cause they went to college for 4 years to learn how to paint the way they do (is it really art when all it is is a block in a uniform shade of blue? does that stand for anything at all?).
what i will give modern art is that its the type of art that would fit in perfectly in office buildings. but i dont understand any of it, and i really dont care.
15.7.04
changing pictures.
technically that describes movies...
actually what i want to do is change that picture up there on the top (the eyes of milla) but i dont know what i want to change it to...
so if anyone has any idea now would be a good time to let me know. or submit something, if you feel really daring you could even physically mail me something to put there. like handwritten emails, or attachments that come in brown paper wrapped parcels tied with rope.
blogger has allowed us to be annoying .... how long before all blogs look like that? like some bastardized child of aol and yahoo chat rooms? this is why i hate html posts (as soon as hotmail got one most of the emails i recieved turned to giddy highschool girl diary excerpts all thats missing is the glitter).
actually what i want to do is change that picture up there on the top (the eyes of milla) but i dont know what i want to change it to...
so if anyone has any idea now would be a good time to let me know. or submit something, if you feel really daring you could even physically mail me something to put there. like handwritten emails, or attachments that come in brown paper wrapped parcels tied with rope.
blogger has allowed us to be annoying .... how long before all blogs look like that? like some bastardized child of aol and yahoo chat rooms? this is why i hate html posts (as soon as hotmail got one most of the emails i recieved turned to giddy highschool girl diary excerpts all thats missing is the glitter).
10.7.04
look.
you see it? right there, there they are. they are so very interesting. its the way they move their hand. the exact angle their nose is curved at. just how precisely their lips come together. the subtle movements of the body. their posture. the way they touched their necked just then, and how you followed the small arc made by their hand on its way down to their lap. the subtle color of their skin. they are so very perfect and quietly beautiful.
and then they start to tilt their head just enough for you to notice the color of their eyes and the smooth elegance of their face...
and they have noticed that your staring at them...
do you look away? keep staring? make a motion? pretend to be looking behind them? what?
looking away is implied guilt, because why else would our eyes be averted so quickly if not because we were guilty of the act? and why should we feel so wrong about looking at someone in admiration (not in lust, for that is perhaps an emotion that brings guilt inherently)?
just wondering.
and then they start to tilt their head just enough for you to notice the color of their eyes and the smooth elegance of their face...
and they have noticed that your staring at them...
do you look away? keep staring? make a motion? pretend to be looking behind them? what?
looking away is implied guilt, because why else would our eyes be averted so quickly if not because we were guilty of the act? and why should we feel so wrong about looking at someone in admiration (not in lust, for that is perhaps an emotion that brings guilt inherently)?
just wondering.
8.7.04
underground railways of modern times.
its the subway, or as they say in london the tube.
a massive vein that writhes its way through the city. moving the individuals from here to there and back again.
so many people, so many differences, its amazing to think it but i took the tube from camden to gloucester square (which is the equivalent of taking a subway from the birth of punk to the home of the posh life) and the variety of people sitting next to each other is a sight to behold. the middle aged original punks, piercings intact sitting next to the old lady from the high life, across from the new generation of punk who dont fully realize and understand the impact and revolution the original punk was having. its just a thrill to watch them and try and understand.
but its also a place filled with absolute loneliness and desperation. amazingly nobody looks at the strangers straight on, sights averted eyes looking elsewhere into the bleak nothingness that goes by the windows. nobody looks at one another, glances are thrown here and there but always cautiously always with a hint of fear of being caught. it gives one the impression that despite being surrounded by the mass of people that flow through the city every day nobody really connects with anyone else. they are all just flowing through the city, afraid to contact any others. a barrier is rising between our individual selves.
went to a museum that had an exhibit on the sex pistols... and despite everything they now stand for, the gift shop was selling sex pistols clothing... which is an insult if it is ever bought. punk was a rebellion, a creation of a movement through the destruction of that which already existed, and to purchase punk clothing is the worst thing a punk can do. but in this day of finding a nich for everyone, nobody thinks of doing that anymore, now its purchase this look or that look and give in to the massive marketing that is forced upon us (not that we ever try to avoid it anyway, its present in everything we do now, there is no escape).
a massive vein that writhes its way through the city. moving the individuals from here to there and back again.
so many people, so many differences, its amazing to think it but i took the tube from camden to gloucester square (which is the equivalent of taking a subway from the birth of punk to the home of the posh life) and the variety of people sitting next to each other is a sight to behold. the middle aged original punks, piercings intact sitting next to the old lady from the high life, across from the new generation of punk who dont fully realize and understand the impact and revolution the original punk was having. its just a thrill to watch them and try and understand.
but its also a place filled with absolute loneliness and desperation. amazingly nobody looks at the strangers straight on, sights averted eyes looking elsewhere into the bleak nothingness that goes by the windows. nobody looks at one another, glances are thrown here and there but always cautiously always with a hint of fear of being caught. it gives one the impression that despite being surrounded by the mass of people that flow through the city every day nobody really connects with anyone else. they are all just flowing through the city, afraid to contact any others. a barrier is rising between our individual selves.
went to a museum that had an exhibit on the sex pistols... and despite everything they now stand for, the gift shop was selling sex pistols clothing... which is an insult if it is ever bought. punk was a rebellion, a creation of a movement through the destruction of that which already existed, and to purchase punk clothing is the worst thing a punk can do. but in this day of finding a nich for everyone, nobody thinks of doing that anymore, now its purchase this look or that look and give in to the massive marketing that is forced upon us (not that we ever try to avoid it anyway, its present in everything we do now, there is no escape).
2.7.04
curioser and curioser.
bigbrother-esque
it would be so simple to track everything and everyone then wouldnt it?
why does this worry me so?
demo-cracy
so death penalties are re-established, thats ok i guess... but arent lawyers during trials kind of one of the basics of the american democratic system... what happened to habeas corpus, innocent till proven guilty, right to representation and fair treatment?
something wicked has this way come...
conspiracy fans can have a field day with this.
it would be so simple to track everything and everyone then wouldnt it?
why does this worry me so?
demo-cracy
so death penalties are re-established, thats ok i guess... but arent lawyers during trials kind of one of the basics of the american democratic system... what happened to habeas corpus, innocent till proven guilty, right to representation and fair treatment?
something wicked has this way come...
conspiracy fans can have a field day with this.
letters to word to sentences to complete thoughts.
ive been reading again.
i get away and caught up in minor things. inconsequential little things. and i stop reading.
recently ive retaken this habit. so ive read many letters, words, phrases, thoughts.
love in the time of cholera is rapidly becoming one of my favorite books. i finished that weeks ago but the imprint it left on my mind has not withered away.
100yrs of solitude is my current read, with no label. dharma bums left me feeling like it was a novel trying through something to establish that nothing is nothing, a buddhism lite for the non spiritually inclined dealing more with drinking and sex than any form of actual lifestyle or call to arms.. and yet it inspired an entire movement in its day, perhaps i missed something as i read it among the coffeeshops and hookah bars. the portrait of dorian grey was an impulse buy that didnt leave me with much, it seemed inconsequential in its message, not very easy to read and delving one to many times into mindless dialogues that went nowhere and established nothing but a minor development of characters.
what have i missed in classic readings? i never see or comprehend the greatness of some works and yet clearly understand it in others. i dont think of flowery writing as being the standard for good writing, if there is no major impression left, then why is a book considered a classic? why is it so much better than all the rest?
i feel like i need a mentor at this point in my life, but that system of education died long before i was.
being very still in london at the moment.
i get away and caught up in minor things. inconsequential little things. and i stop reading.
recently ive retaken this habit. so ive read many letters, words, phrases, thoughts.
love in the time of cholera is rapidly becoming one of my favorite books. i finished that weeks ago but the imprint it left on my mind has not withered away.
100yrs of solitude is my current read, with no label. dharma bums left me feeling like it was a novel trying through something to establish that nothing is nothing, a buddhism lite for the non spiritually inclined dealing more with drinking and sex than any form of actual lifestyle or call to arms.. and yet it inspired an entire movement in its day, perhaps i missed something as i read it among the coffeeshops and hookah bars. the portrait of dorian grey was an impulse buy that didnt leave me with much, it seemed inconsequential in its message, not very easy to read and delving one to many times into mindless dialogues that went nowhere and established nothing but a minor development of characters.
what have i missed in classic readings? i never see or comprehend the greatness of some works and yet clearly understand it in others. i dont think of flowery writing as being the standard for good writing, if there is no major impression left, then why is a book considered a classic? why is it so much better than all the rest?
i feel like i need a mentor at this point in my life, but that system of education died long before i was.
being very still in london at the moment.
clarity.
clearing something up real quick.
ive recently taken to aiding a friend who uses a mac (to each their own) and since hello (the free photo hosting service program used by blogger) isnt mac friendly, ive been posting to her blog as a favor to her so that she can have pictures on her blog...
this led to some confusion i think.
because even though its her blog, the pictures carry my name as the author, which might lead some to think that im not who i claim to be (which i couldnt be even if i tried, otherwise i wouldnt be myself, "we do what we do because of who we are, if we did anything else we wouldnt be ourselves") so before anyone starts to believe that i have a personality disorder where i pretend to be one sex while really being the other... and although that would be very interesting, it just isnt the case.
just thought id clear that up a little.
still in london.
ive recently taken to aiding a friend who uses a mac (to each their own) and since hello (the free photo hosting service program used by blogger) isnt mac friendly, ive been posting to her blog as a favor to her so that she can have pictures on her blog...
this led to some confusion i think.
because even though its her blog, the pictures carry my name as the author, which might lead some to think that im not who i claim to be (which i couldnt be even if i tried, otherwise i wouldnt be myself, "we do what we do because of who we are, if we did anything else we wouldnt be ourselves") so before anyone starts to believe that i have a personality disorder where i pretend to be one sex while really being the other... and although that would be very interesting, it just isnt the case.
just thought id clear that up a little.
still in london.
19.6.04
uk.
transatlanticism. images of london.
drastic changes in average times. for 5 weeks i will be immersed in british culture.
cold part.
So long to this cold, cold part of the world
So long to this cold, cold part of the world
So long to this bone bleached part of the world
So long to this cold, cold part of the world
So long to this salt soaked part of the world
I stepped down as president of Antarctica
Can't blame me, don't blame me, don't
So long to this sad, sad part of the world
So long, So long
16.6.04
awake.
so lately ive been having trouble sleeping.
which means that twice this week ive been awake for a good 32 hours straight.
but then i sleep for 12 or 15 hours.
so i think it balances out, but im just not tired these days and sleep seems like its a waste of time that could be better spent, on what im not sure but i have this feeling that i dont want to sleep away these last days i have before going to london for 5 weeks...
something like i want to be around the people i know as much as i can for some odd reason...
if this is a premonition of ill events that will happen, then... well its a bad bad thing, like bad juju.
or maybe my body just has no idea what its supposed to be doing with itself these days, bloody brain is working more than it should be these days.
which means that twice this week ive been awake for a good 32 hours straight.
but then i sleep for 12 or 15 hours.
so i think it balances out, but im just not tired these days and sleep seems like its a waste of time that could be better spent, on what im not sure but i have this feeling that i dont want to sleep away these last days i have before going to london for 5 weeks...
something like i want to be around the people i know as much as i can for some odd reason...
if this is a premonition of ill events that will happen, then... well its a bad bad thing, like bad juju.
or maybe my body just has no idea what its supposed to be doing with itself these days, bloody brain is working more than it should be these days.
13.6.04
repetition.
i feel like im repeating myself.
its a mental deja vu.
ive thought this thought before... like a memory i have of myself remembering something.
have i started to loop over?
like a broken player stuck on repeat, just wish my song were a little longer.
rinse, wash, repeat.
from end to beginning to end to... the beginning of the end is the end of the beginning is the...
mental deja vu again and again.
go somewhere new little boy blue, go somewhere new, how very true.
its a mental deja vu.
ive thought this thought before... like a memory i have of myself remembering something.
have i started to loop over?
like a broken player stuck on repeat, just wish my song were a little longer.
rinse, wash, repeat.
from end to beginning to end to... the beginning of the end is the end of the beginning is the...
mental deja vu again and again.
go somewhere new little boy blue, go somewhere new, how very true.
ideaotic.
we have stupid moments,
we have intelligent moments,
the trick being to have the stupid moments in private, and the others in public.
we have intelligent moments,
the trick being to have the stupid moments in private, and the others in public.
ideaotic.
we have stupid moments,
we have intelligent moments,
the trick being to have the stupid moments in private, and the others in public.
we have intelligent moments,
the trick being to have the stupid moments in private, and the others in public.
7.6.04
hollywood needs new management
i dont think hollywood ever learns, and ignoring history leads to...
catwoman. the stench from daredevil is creeping up again. why does hollywood always take comicbook characters and make them look like rave kids?
cant think of any movie where they dont look like ravers, even the villians for that matter. i think only league of extraordinary gentlemen (sean connery might have looked a wee bit odd in full raver getup anyway) and batman (under the direction of timburton anyway... after that it became a less impressive cirque de solei extravaganza of colored lights)...
and the new catwoman is halle berry (im not going to say anything regarding the change in melanin quantities between her and the comicbook version... it doesnt really matter) and im wondering if halle at some point gave up on making decent films, if this is her little dip into easy movies with limited effort demanded (gothika? catwoman? swordfish? shes kinda becoming little more than pleasing eye candy isnt she?)... i dont even care that they change her outfit, because i understand that if it works in comics it doesnt mean it will work in real life... but this outfit? why didnt they just take a page from tim burton and have her look like that, all in leather with contrast stitching? its not normal looking, but better than the bare midriff scratched up thigh look they gave her now... and am i stupid for thinking that if you are going to bother with the vigilante thing you arent going to be concerned with how your cleavage will look while doing it? why is she wearing a push up bra? and why the two crossed belt-things?
i wonder if anyone even bothered to read a comic. she doesnt have superpowers, no supernatural abilities, or cat-sense either. shes like a female batman, except shes more like a cat burglar (thats why shes catwoman in the first place... its a pun) but not in the movie... oh no, in the movie shes a completely new catwoman (new and improved with a plethora of matrix inspired moves, a bevy of cg artists makeing her able to twist and turn with the best of them, and enough t&a to keep the older kids nice and happy as they sit through one and a half hours of mind numbingly lousy writing and if your very lucky maybe some decent direction that doesnt simply rinse wash and repeat every other action film youve seen since the beginning of this millenium! thats right kids you want to watch this movie! breasts! underwear! whips! and lots and lots of footage of halle acting like a cat with some unknown less attractive blonde girl! oh and theres a minor love story plot thrown in their somewhere stolen from spiderman, the actual plot is um... hey look halles breasts!)
i shouldnt complain but i cant even say that this movie isnt made for me, but for the kids who read the comics. except if it was for them then why is halley only wearing a pushup bra?! and a whip. and leather... in changing catwoman i hope they at least realize that they are alienating the comic fan base in the process (imagine if they did superman so that his name is now joe greenwall, and hes from ohio but got sprayed with mystery goo #67 that gave him super powers...) and im guessing the whole she has superpowers bit is so they can inject some cg aided fightscenes into the whole thing without having to expect people to believe it ("wow.. she did a triple backflip off a five story window and landed in perfect olympic form, must be some nifty powers")
what im worried about now... since catwoman, league of extraordinary gentlemen, batmans 3-whatever, is that my expectations for the new superman and batman movies will be far beyond what im actually going to be recieving (which is nothing more than a fun time that stays true to the feel of the source material).
i hate hollywood a little more each summer.
catwoman. the stench from daredevil is creeping up again. why does hollywood always take comicbook characters and make them look like rave kids?
cant think of any movie where they dont look like ravers, even the villians for that matter. i think only league of extraordinary gentlemen (sean connery might have looked a wee bit odd in full raver getup anyway) and batman (under the direction of timburton anyway... after that it became a less impressive cirque de solei extravaganza of colored lights)...
and the new catwoman is halle berry (im not going to say anything regarding the change in melanin quantities between her and the comicbook version... it doesnt really matter) and im wondering if halle at some point gave up on making decent films, if this is her little dip into easy movies with limited effort demanded (gothika? catwoman? swordfish? shes kinda becoming little more than pleasing eye candy isnt she?)... i dont even care that they change her outfit, because i understand that if it works in comics it doesnt mean it will work in real life... but this outfit? why didnt they just take a page from tim burton and have her look like that, all in leather with contrast stitching? its not normal looking, but better than the bare midriff scratched up thigh look they gave her now... and am i stupid for thinking that if you are going to bother with the vigilante thing you arent going to be concerned with how your cleavage will look while doing it? why is she wearing a push up bra? and why the two crossed belt-things?
i wonder if anyone even bothered to read a comic. she doesnt have superpowers, no supernatural abilities, or cat-sense either. shes like a female batman, except shes more like a cat burglar (thats why shes catwoman in the first place... its a pun) but not in the movie... oh no, in the movie shes a completely new catwoman (new and improved with a plethora of matrix inspired moves, a bevy of cg artists makeing her able to twist and turn with the best of them, and enough t&a to keep the older kids nice and happy as they sit through one and a half hours of mind numbingly lousy writing and if your very lucky maybe some decent direction that doesnt simply rinse wash and repeat every other action film youve seen since the beginning of this millenium! thats right kids you want to watch this movie! breasts! underwear! whips! and lots and lots of footage of halle acting like a cat with some unknown less attractive blonde girl! oh and theres a minor love story plot thrown in their somewhere stolen from spiderman, the actual plot is um... hey look halles breasts!)
i shouldnt complain but i cant even say that this movie isnt made for me, but for the kids who read the comics. except if it was for them then why is halley only wearing a pushup bra?! and a whip. and leather... in changing catwoman i hope they at least realize that they are alienating the comic fan base in the process (imagine if they did superman so that his name is now joe greenwall, and hes from ohio but got sprayed with mystery goo #67 that gave him super powers...) and im guessing the whole she has superpowers bit is so they can inject some cg aided fightscenes into the whole thing without having to expect people to believe it ("wow.. she did a triple backflip off a five story window and landed in perfect olympic form, must be some nifty powers")
what im worried about now... since catwoman, league of extraordinary gentlemen, batmans 3-whatever, is that my expectations for the new superman and batman movies will be far beyond what im actually going to be recieving (which is nothing more than a fun time that stays true to the feel of the source material).
i hate hollywood a little more each summer.
5.6.04
4.6.04
did i miss it?
i never did understand the purpose of a one night stand.
maybe im just not hip enough to be with the times, but a one night stand seems pointless to me.
sure you get your sex (if thats what you really need), but then what? is it a matter of romantic and "sweet" at night and a bitchy person in the morning?
i understand "fuckbuddies" but not one night stands. multiperson masturbation is what i called it once or twice. but masturbation is masturbation, whether it be individual or acompanied. once its over, then what? discard the person like a soiled tissue paper?
maybe im just stupid and out of style but i still believe that sex should be about more than an orgasm. an orgasm can be achieved without a second person being involved. there is an entire industry built around it, men get porn women get toys. shouldnt sex be about more than a momentary attraction?
not to mention that sloppy drunken sex is perhaps the worst version of it available (except perhaps for the noninterested, noninvolved prostitute sex... which i dont think ill ever resort to partaking in)?
at times i tend to agree with the female perspective of men being assholes. sometimes.
so whats the point of a one night stand? anyone?
it wasnt a good night for me, the details of which im sure nobody really cares about)...
so, one night stands... do they serve a purpose?
(im expecting few responses, if any)
maybe im just not hip enough to be with the times, but a one night stand seems pointless to me.
sure you get your sex (if thats what you really need), but then what? is it a matter of romantic and "sweet" at night and a bitchy person in the morning?
i understand "fuckbuddies" but not one night stands. multiperson masturbation is what i called it once or twice. but masturbation is masturbation, whether it be individual or acompanied. once its over, then what? discard the person like a soiled tissue paper?
maybe im just stupid and out of style but i still believe that sex should be about more than an orgasm. an orgasm can be achieved without a second person being involved. there is an entire industry built around it, men get porn women get toys. shouldnt sex be about more than a momentary attraction?
not to mention that sloppy drunken sex is perhaps the worst version of it available (except perhaps for the noninterested, noninvolved prostitute sex... which i dont think ill ever resort to partaking in)?
at times i tend to agree with the female perspective of men being assholes. sometimes.
so whats the point of a one night stand? anyone?
it wasnt a good night for me, the details of which im sure nobody really cares about)...
so, one night stands... do they serve a purpose?
(im expecting few responses, if any)
1.6.04
so many are we.
i cannot comprehend the number.
six billion.
billions of people across the globe. consuming living breathing working procreating producing.
armies dedicated to working in their fields. armies engaged every day in producing. somewhere there is a factory where the only thing that is made is a small pin, an unremarkable pin. and theres a fleet of people engaged in its making. everything we own, everything we see is made by tens of thousands of individuals. that pin is made from aluminum, aluminum refined from ore, ore mined. everything using a myriad of machines. all constructed by armies of workers. all relying on different armies to transport them. relying on others to feed them. on others to keep them safe. on others to conquer for them. on others to bargain. on others still to rule them. it all seems overwhelming.
these same people who produce a pin never see what that pin does. all they do is make sure that each and every pin is made the way it has to be. day in and day out they produce thousands of pins. these pins then get used elsewhere, thousands of miles away for different things. some go to the armies of healers. others to armies of consumers. others to armies to be used in the destruction of other armies. to guarantee that the people behind the army get the things they need. so that they may consume. so that they can make things that require pins. so that those other people can make the pins and sell the pins and consume other things.
every day, despite the wars and famine and all the hell that occurs outside of our sight, there are fleets of food and millions of products being moved everywhere. the world never stops. horrors here does not stop production and consumption anywhere. products are moved, people move and everything keeps supporting the armies of producers and consumers.
there is no end to it. its a massive machine consuming vast resources. consider how much we must have consumed and used in the entire life of the human race.
from day one we have used the land, drilled it, hollowed it, filled it, rivers have been moved and entire sections of land relocated. all this to improve production and consumption. how much can we support? how much food can we continue to produce and transport? how much product can we make before there is no material to make it with? and everything runs on one product. oil runs our world.
everything depends on oil. without it, everything shuts down. the solar panels, the recycling, they are starved for oil. we cannot produce anything without oil. the amish are the only ones who could not be concerned with oil.
just consider the daily paper. there are perhaps 3billion daily papers delivered every morning, perhaps even 4 or 5billion, using multiple pages multiple types of ink and paper. the amount of trees, woodpulp, print that is being produced every day. billions of people interrelating, creating thinking imagining and simply being.
and theres always a desire for more.
and all i want right now is to be recognized amongst all of it... and why do i feel insignificant at times they ask.
six billion.
billions of people across the globe. consuming living breathing working procreating producing.
armies dedicated to working in their fields. armies engaged every day in producing. somewhere there is a factory where the only thing that is made is a small pin, an unremarkable pin. and theres a fleet of people engaged in its making. everything we own, everything we see is made by tens of thousands of individuals. that pin is made from aluminum, aluminum refined from ore, ore mined. everything using a myriad of machines. all constructed by armies of workers. all relying on different armies to transport them. relying on others to feed them. on others to keep them safe. on others to conquer for them. on others to bargain. on others still to rule them. it all seems overwhelming.
these same people who produce a pin never see what that pin does. all they do is make sure that each and every pin is made the way it has to be. day in and day out they produce thousands of pins. these pins then get used elsewhere, thousands of miles away for different things. some go to the armies of healers. others to armies of consumers. others to armies to be used in the destruction of other armies. to guarantee that the people behind the army get the things they need. so that they may consume. so that they can make things that require pins. so that those other people can make the pins and sell the pins and consume other things.
every day, despite the wars and famine and all the hell that occurs outside of our sight, there are fleets of food and millions of products being moved everywhere. the world never stops. horrors here does not stop production and consumption anywhere. products are moved, people move and everything keeps supporting the armies of producers and consumers.
there is no end to it. its a massive machine consuming vast resources. consider how much we must have consumed and used in the entire life of the human race.
from day one we have used the land, drilled it, hollowed it, filled it, rivers have been moved and entire sections of land relocated. all this to improve production and consumption. how much can we support? how much food can we continue to produce and transport? how much product can we make before there is no material to make it with? and everything runs on one product. oil runs our world.
everything depends on oil. without it, everything shuts down. the solar panels, the recycling, they are starved for oil. we cannot produce anything without oil. the amish are the only ones who could not be concerned with oil.
just consider the daily paper. there are perhaps 3billion daily papers delivered every morning, perhaps even 4 or 5billion, using multiple pages multiple types of ink and paper. the amount of trees, woodpulp, print that is being produced every day. billions of people interrelating, creating thinking imagining and simply being.
and theres always a desire for more.
and all i want right now is to be recognized amongst all of it... and why do i feel insignificant at times they ask.
just one...
thats all it was.
just one.
there wasnt any reason behind it. i felt that i could tell just one. it wouldnt matter anyway, its just one anyway. one never makes a difference, one has no impact in the long run.
so i made one. i did one. just the one.
one which rapidly became two to prevent discovery of the one. who would notice one anyway? they almost did. until i did two.
it was easy. it didnt require much effort, just alittle thought and self control. it had to be small enough that no one would notice it right away. only i had to remember.
a flurry of words with the proper conviction. nothing to grand and nothing to inconsequential.
i lied.
one small lie. then more to keep that one real. until i was no longer me. with enough lies i became someone else. different name, origin, purpose, attitude. i had changed.
it was easy.
but now im having difficulty in keeping them seperate. im a delicate situation, where i have to watch my words, my behavior and keep myself from falling off the edge. to believe my own fabrications. to no longer distinguish my truth from truth. if i say it long enough the lies become real.
imagination can lead to creativity, or self delusion. its easy enough to imagine myself in egypt by the pyramids, or getting lost in barcelona. a whim of fancy and i went to cancun for a vacation, indulging in excesses of drink and meeting random women while bouncing my drunken self from bar to bar until i lost my wallet at a bar located just off the beach away from the regular tourist destination, led astray by the promise of a pretty hazel eyed young girl, whom i lost track of once there due in part to the alcohol and in part to the crowd into which she melted... its easy enough to create the image and the story. repeated too many times and i start to believe that i could have, that i did... and why not?
im slowly falling into the pattern of a compulsive liar...
its so much easier to be a fake me, with imaginary problems than having to face myself and my own realities, and admitting to things im not ready to admit about myself just yet... its an escape, a diversion from the regular bland life im leading just now. and who has not at some point desired, even in a subconscious manner, to be more than they are? to live a life resembling an oscar wilde novel, to have a story that would fit in nicely alongside a poe short story, to be more than a facsimili of others, to have the same experiences, the same type of memories, to stand out perhaps not by what one currently is, but by what one has done.
our past events alter how we are percieved. initial impressions change rapidly based not on what we do, but on stories that we can tell of what we have done. so if we create our own stories, how can that be a wrong? fact is cold and lifeless, fiction carries more weight it seems more possible and makes for far more interesting times. true, fact can be equally as impressive as fiction, but liberties are taken, events and times changed or altered.. and with sufficient modification, when does truth become fiction?
im rambling. stop.
just one.
there wasnt any reason behind it. i felt that i could tell just one. it wouldnt matter anyway, its just one anyway. one never makes a difference, one has no impact in the long run.
so i made one. i did one. just the one.
one which rapidly became two to prevent discovery of the one. who would notice one anyway? they almost did. until i did two.
it was easy. it didnt require much effort, just alittle thought and self control. it had to be small enough that no one would notice it right away. only i had to remember.
a flurry of words with the proper conviction. nothing to grand and nothing to inconsequential.
i lied.
one small lie. then more to keep that one real. until i was no longer me. with enough lies i became someone else. different name, origin, purpose, attitude. i had changed.
it was easy.
but now im having difficulty in keeping them seperate. im a delicate situation, where i have to watch my words, my behavior and keep myself from falling off the edge. to believe my own fabrications. to no longer distinguish my truth from truth. if i say it long enough the lies become real.
imagination can lead to creativity, or self delusion. its easy enough to imagine myself in egypt by the pyramids, or getting lost in barcelona. a whim of fancy and i went to cancun for a vacation, indulging in excesses of drink and meeting random women while bouncing my drunken self from bar to bar until i lost my wallet at a bar located just off the beach away from the regular tourist destination, led astray by the promise of a pretty hazel eyed young girl, whom i lost track of once there due in part to the alcohol and in part to the crowd into which she melted... its easy enough to create the image and the story. repeated too many times and i start to believe that i could have, that i did... and why not?
im slowly falling into the pattern of a compulsive liar...
its so much easier to be a fake me, with imaginary problems than having to face myself and my own realities, and admitting to things im not ready to admit about myself just yet... its an escape, a diversion from the regular bland life im leading just now. and who has not at some point desired, even in a subconscious manner, to be more than they are? to live a life resembling an oscar wilde novel, to have a story that would fit in nicely alongside a poe short story, to be more than a facsimili of others, to have the same experiences, the same type of memories, to stand out perhaps not by what one currently is, but by what one has done.
our past events alter how we are percieved. initial impressions change rapidly based not on what we do, but on stories that we can tell of what we have done. so if we create our own stories, how can that be a wrong? fact is cold and lifeless, fiction carries more weight it seems more possible and makes for far more interesting times. true, fact can be equally as impressive as fiction, but liberties are taken, events and times changed or altered.. and with sufficient modification, when does truth become fiction?
im rambling. stop.
30.5.04
"at my most beautiful, i made you smile."
im an idiot. but of everything ive ever heard, read or said... this is my favorite.
its simple. it can mean as much or as little as you want it to. no consequence, no implications. just a statement.
i like it, i dont know entirely why but i like it.
what do you make of it?
its simple. it can mean as much or as little as you want it to. no consequence, no implications. just a statement.
i like it, i dont know entirely why but i like it.
what do you make of it?
25.5.04
stupid and lifeless, like everyone else.
i thought i had something to say on the topic of being gay by birth and not upbringing. the idea i had then, has escaped me just now, and i tried remembering it well enough to prove my point, however i cant seem to find the same logical connections i managed to find last time. so, i wont write it down. i dont feel like i should post arguments here that i havent thought through, especially not comments and opinions that though my own, may be weak in structure and content.
content has become more and more important these days. lack of content means being hollow. if you have ever met a person whos personality is a vacant hole, then you might realize that being hollow is something horrible. it seems people now create personalities and attitudes based less on themselves and on what they represent, but more on the personalities that are imprinted on them through the great single eye. a constant bombardment of images and sound that end up selling less product but more attitude. it no longer matters that one is not an actual thug gangster from the worse parts of a poverty stricken ghetto. now even the individuals in upscale suburbia can play gangsta, they can follow the style, the dress and the mock lifestyle. so does that cheapen it? not really. a poser is a poser is a poser. and the fake attitude and personalities that people use to represent themselves with, that they choose to have associated with them can never compare to the original source. do you think that wearing the same hat, shirt, jeans and shoes as the rapper on mtv makes you exactly like him? yet, its not always the entire lifestyle that people crave is it?
its the "bling," the highpoints, the wonderful life that is seen through tinted lenses. the ghetto is a place of smiling children, women with style and attitude who want nothing more than to bed a ghetto baller, where everyone wears expensive tshirts by ecko and your wardrobe always equals $800 in value, where the sun always shines and the game is always on, a players paradise... sure, that would explain why people flock to live there right? wake up.
hollow individuals. no real personality. just copies. nothing special. a wandering blank with few remaining braincells occupied in spewing forth the latest overused cliche catch phrase... im rick james bitch. worrr (when did it become hip to speak with that drawl? its like your brain cant comprehend what your trying to do and just gives up for a bit. even you dont like you.) this is what passes for personality now. its a simple matter of watching some tv and latching onto the latest greatest phase and adapting yourself to it. this means that everyone can be popular. everyone is the same. everyone is becoming dull.
lifeless and unoriginal, empty hollowed out husks, brain dead with apathy, vacant stares, empty but lost,blind,dumb,deaf and too stupid to realize it. wake up.
few would read this far. our attention span is being reduced to fractions of a second. nothing captures attention anymore. weve been emotionally muted. we are told what is funny. do you realize that? laugh tracks inform us as to when we should laugh, its not the timing delivery or content that makes us laugh, its the laughtrack. we have been conditioned. television tells us tv is great. "the end of the greatest comedy," "the best show on tv comes to an end." then the media all joins in an unrelenting unignorable chant, and we become blind. we accept the idea. nobody argues, and those that do are left behind, out of the way, so as to not interfere with the doping of the mass by the garguantan marketing machine. hush. be complacent. dont look away. its ok.
i wonder. if tv has become so deeply ingrained in our culture, in our very lives, is there anyway to attempt to seperate ourselves? can we possibly cultivate a unique personality, something entirely ours, a return to originality and creativity?
i wonder. hollow empty and dull. view it all and never bat an eye. they will take care of everything, just sit down and dont think about it. conform, its easier. wake up.
think of all the memories you have and how many include a television? a movie? music? lines from shows, commercial music/jingles, movies, quotes, scenes, frames, events... it all gets taken and reused. replace the event with the movies. its the only way we understand. d-day. wwII. holocaust. vietnam. space. history. how much of it do we remember from text, and how much do we know from movies? troy... did we know the illiad before? do we now. how many memories do we possess that we cannot compare to a scene in a movie. it seems more and more we want to live like them. we strive for it. its becoming an ideal. we talk like them, dress like them, and our memories start to meld. soon our memories shape the movies, we direct them, envision them. memories based on the memories of others. lives lived like others meant. music sounding like the music that came before it. a repetition of ideas. a reprocessing of the sound. conform.
empty hollow husks. repetition. conformity. complacency. dumb and simple like cows.
"but we rebel, we are anticulture!" how can a rebellion be a rebellion when accepted by society? punk. gothic. emo. take your choice. even this which was once unique has been taken in. the same as the rest, just different coverings. the trappings matter little if the inside is gone. different they claim to be. yet equals they have, different only when outside the clique you have been given. society is prepared for you. you are no different. conform, eventually we'll make you. be calm. we have everything under control. and like cows we line up to destroy ourselves, chewing our cud. our life gone long before we die.
confined. restricted and limited.
content has become more and more important these days. lack of content means being hollow. if you have ever met a person whos personality is a vacant hole, then you might realize that being hollow is something horrible. it seems people now create personalities and attitudes based less on themselves and on what they represent, but more on the personalities that are imprinted on them through the great single eye. a constant bombardment of images and sound that end up selling less product but more attitude. it no longer matters that one is not an actual thug gangster from the worse parts of a poverty stricken ghetto. now even the individuals in upscale suburbia can play gangsta, they can follow the style, the dress and the mock lifestyle. so does that cheapen it? not really. a poser is a poser is a poser. and the fake attitude and personalities that people use to represent themselves with, that they choose to have associated with them can never compare to the original source. do you think that wearing the same hat, shirt, jeans and shoes as the rapper on mtv makes you exactly like him? yet, its not always the entire lifestyle that people crave is it?
its the "bling," the highpoints, the wonderful life that is seen through tinted lenses. the ghetto is a place of smiling children, women with style and attitude who want nothing more than to bed a ghetto baller, where everyone wears expensive tshirts by ecko and your wardrobe always equals $800 in value, where the sun always shines and the game is always on, a players paradise... sure, that would explain why people flock to live there right? wake up.
hollow individuals. no real personality. just copies. nothing special. a wandering blank with few remaining braincells occupied in spewing forth the latest overused cliche catch phrase... im rick james bitch. worrr (when did it become hip to speak with that drawl? its like your brain cant comprehend what your trying to do and just gives up for a bit. even you dont like you.) this is what passes for personality now. its a simple matter of watching some tv and latching onto the latest greatest phase and adapting yourself to it. this means that everyone can be popular. everyone is the same. everyone is becoming dull.
lifeless and unoriginal, empty hollowed out husks, brain dead with apathy, vacant stares, empty but lost,blind,dumb,deaf and too stupid to realize it. wake up.
few would read this far. our attention span is being reduced to fractions of a second. nothing captures attention anymore. weve been emotionally muted. we are told what is funny. do you realize that? laugh tracks inform us as to when we should laugh, its not the timing delivery or content that makes us laugh, its the laughtrack. we have been conditioned. television tells us tv is great. "the end of the greatest comedy," "the best show on tv comes to an end." then the media all joins in an unrelenting unignorable chant, and we become blind. we accept the idea. nobody argues, and those that do are left behind, out of the way, so as to not interfere with the doping of the mass by the garguantan marketing machine. hush. be complacent. dont look away. its ok.
i wonder. if tv has become so deeply ingrained in our culture, in our very lives, is there anyway to attempt to seperate ourselves? can we possibly cultivate a unique personality, something entirely ours, a return to originality and creativity?
i wonder. hollow empty and dull. view it all and never bat an eye. they will take care of everything, just sit down and dont think about it. conform, its easier. wake up.
think of all the memories you have and how many include a television? a movie? music? lines from shows, commercial music/jingles, movies, quotes, scenes, frames, events... it all gets taken and reused. replace the event with the movies. its the only way we understand. d-day. wwII. holocaust. vietnam. space. history. how much of it do we remember from text, and how much do we know from movies? troy... did we know the illiad before? do we now. how many memories do we possess that we cannot compare to a scene in a movie. it seems more and more we want to live like them. we strive for it. its becoming an ideal. we talk like them, dress like them, and our memories start to meld. soon our memories shape the movies, we direct them, envision them. memories based on the memories of others. lives lived like others meant. music sounding like the music that came before it. a repetition of ideas. a reprocessing of the sound. conform.
empty hollow husks. repetition. conformity. complacency. dumb and simple like cows.
"but we rebel, we are anticulture!" how can a rebellion be a rebellion when accepted by society? punk. gothic. emo. take your choice. even this which was once unique has been taken in. the same as the rest, just different coverings. the trappings matter little if the inside is gone. different they claim to be. yet equals they have, different only when outside the clique you have been given. society is prepared for you. you are no different. conform, eventually we'll make you. be calm. we have everything under control. and like cows we line up to destroy ourselves, chewing our cud. our life gone long before we die.
confined. restricted and limited.
22.5.04
note.. mainly to self.
tomorrow once the sangria wears off ill explain my views on being gay... the whole nature vs. nurture issue as brought on by a conversation (albeit brief) with someone.
20.5.04
19.5.04
joke that doesnt end.
how many people have found themselves in one of these situations?
you start an inside joke with someone, now it isnt that funny outside of the context it was started in, and probably it was only funny in that specific moment. so the conversation ends and you figure it was over, the joke was dead, it had its moment but it had to die.
yet your friend apparently didnt understand that the joke died. so they continue to think its funny... and a couple of days later during another conversation they bring it up again. even though you dont think its funny anymore, and few jokes ever live for more than a few days, you play along listlessly. awkward moment aside you continue the conversation. inevitably they bring the joke back. now repetition does not equal funny (sometimes yes, but look at tom green and tell me it didnt get annoying after a while), yet your friend presses on with an ignorant grin plastered across their face.
does your friendship deserve this? should you outright mention that it wasnt funny, and in the process wound their precious psyche? or play along with lowering degrees of enthusiasm hoping that they eventually understand that it isnt funny anymore? are they dense? theres always the hope that it doesnt linger for too long, but it could become a black plague that follows your friendship along for days, weeks, months and most horribly, years.
maybe it is worth it to just kill the joke. that or dissapear for couple of days while they get it out of their system.
because that joke isnt funny anymore.
you start an inside joke with someone, now it isnt that funny outside of the context it was started in, and probably it was only funny in that specific moment. so the conversation ends and you figure it was over, the joke was dead, it had its moment but it had to die.
yet your friend apparently didnt understand that the joke died. so they continue to think its funny... and a couple of days later during another conversation they bring it up again. even though you dont think its funny anymore, and few jokes ever live for more than a few days, you play along listlessly. awkward moment aside you continue the conversation. inevitably they bring the joke back. now repetition does not equal funny (sometimes yes, but look at tom green and tell me it didnt get annoying after a while), yet your friend presses on with an ignorant grin plastered across their face.
does your friendship deserve this? should you outright mention that it wasnt funny, and in the process wound their precious psyche? or play along with lowering degrees of enthusiasm hoping that they eventually understand that it isnt funny anymore? are they dense? theres always the hope that it doesnt linger for too long, but it could become a black plague that follows your friendship along for days, weeks, months and most horribly, years.
maybe it is worth it to just kill the joke. that or dissapear for couple of days while they get it out of their system.
because that joke isnt funny anymore.
18.5.04
siendo breve.
eh aqui algo raro. no tanto el hecho de que he puesto ya varios commentarios en este mes, y menos de aqui hay otro, pero que lo estoy haciendo en español.
y porque escribir en este lenguaje? creo que la pregunta tiene que ver algo con mi estado de animo en los ultimos dias. pues aparte de algo que ha sucedido en mi vida, cosa cual que solo dos personas estan enteradas (por lo menos con palabras mias, si ellas han hablado mas pues no me he enterado por el momento) el estado al que me refiero es que voy dando con la realizacion de que mi casa es algo que no vere en un año. y esto ultimamente me esta causando un poco de curiosidad y sentimentalidad. porque aparte de que no vere a mi familia, ni a los amigos y amigas que mas cercanos que tengo, es que realmente no habre hablado ni escrito nada en español tampoco.
no se si es gran cosa, o si solamente me estoy preocupando sin motivo, pero de repente el hecho de no hablar español es algo realmente importante para mi. no se exactamente cuando vino a dar esto pero de repente le estoy encontrando el gusto y el placer que la gente la da al lenguaje. ahora esto no significa que estoy viendo univision/telemundo y considerando eso como el español. vengo pensando mas en el español/castellano con el cual uno tiene la tendencia de imaginarse a neruda o marques usando.
un español culto. pero debido a la desgracia de mi infancia y desarollo, un lenguaje que no tengo. almenos no creo ni pienso tener nada comparable a un español culto. sino el español callejero, la bastardizacion de la lengua que usamos todos de jovenes. y como mi educacion hasta ahora ha sido completamente en ingles (injusto que una escuela bilingue tenga la tendencia de preferencias en cuanto a las lenguas usadas, y en el caso de mi escuela, hasta como se usaban tales lenguas) mi habilidad con el español nunca mejoro, y no lo veo sucediendo tampoco.
lo cual es una lastima. un desperdicio de una posibilidad. algo que nunca supe aprovechar cuando lo tenia, y ahora me encuentro en una situacion en la cual hasta posiblemente estoy viendo el deterioro de mi habilidad con cada dia que viene terminando.
no se que es pero ultimamente algo viendo cambiando muy de pronto pero parece ser algo con un inicio mas profundo de lo que estoy preparado a admitir en estos momentos.
mi interes y forma de hablar el español viene cambiando ultimamente. y pienso que ahora es cuando voy a empesar a darle direcion a mis lecturas y escojer caminos mas castellanos....
ahi veremos... por ahora termino este comentario, si hace sentido en alguna manera entonces salio bien, si no, bueno entonces no hay mucho que puedo hacer ahora. puesto que debo terminar algun dia, y ahora parece el mejor momento ya que ahora me encuentro prestando mas atencion a una persona y la conversacion que ahi se desarolla, que a este monologo...
in the end... i was bored.
y porque escribir en este lenguaje? creo que la pregunta tiene que ver algo con mi estado de animo en los ultimos dias. pues aparte de algo que ha sucedido en mi vida, cosa cual que solo dos personas estan enteradas (por lo menos con palabras mias, si ellas han hablado mas pues no me he enterado por el momento) el estado al que me refiero es que voy dando con la realizacion de que mi casa es algo que no vere en un año. y esto ultimamente me esta causando un poco de curiosidad y sentimentalidad. porque aparte de que no vere a mi familia, ni a los amigos y amigas que mas cercanos que tengo, es que realmente no habre hablado ni escrito nada en español tampoco.
no se si es gran cosa, o si solamente me estoy preocupando sin motivo, pero de repente el hecho de no hablar español es algo realmente importante para mi. no se exactamente cuando vino a dar esto pero de repente le estoy encontrando el gusto y el placer que la gente la da al lenguaje. ahora esto no significa que estoy viendo univision/telemundo y considerando eso como el español. vengo pensando mas en el español/castellano con el cual uno tiene la tendencia de imaginarse a neruda o marques usando.
un español culto. pero debido a la desgracia de mi infancia y desarollo, un lenguaje que no tengo. almenos no creo ni pienso tener nada comparable a un español culto. sino el español callejero, la bastardizacion de la lengua que usamos todos de jovenes. y como mi educacion hasta ahora ha sido completamente en ingles (injusto que una escuela bilingue tenga la tendencia de preferencias en cuanto a las lenguas usadas, y en el caso de mi escuela, hasta como se usaban tales lenguas) mi habilidad con el español nunca mejoro, y no lo veo sucediendo tampoco.
lo cual es una lastima. un desperdicio de una posibilidad. algo que nunca supe aprovechar cuando lo tenia, y ahora me encuentro en una situacion en la cual hasta posiblemente estoy viendo el deterioro de mi habilidad con cada dia que viene terminando.
no se que es pero ultimamente algo viendo cambiando muy de pronto pero parece ser algo con un inicio mas profundo de lo que estoy preparado a admitir en estos momentos.
mi interes y forma de hablar el español viene cambiando ultimamente. y pienso que ahora es cuando voy a empesar a darle direcion a mis lecturas y escojer caminos mas castellanos....
ahi veremos... por ahora termino este comentario, si hace sentido en alguna manera entonces salio bien, si no, bueno entonces no hay mucho que puedo hacer ahora. puesto que debo terminar algun dia, y ahora parece el mejor momento ya que ahora me encuentro prestando mas atencion a una persona y la conversacion que ahi se desarolla, que a este monologo...
in the end... i was bored.
16.5.04
continuation of last.
just a minor thing i though i should add.
its womens fault. everything i said in the last ramble, its all womens fault.
im not sexist. its a matter of women letting guys get away with it. if women lower their expectations and let guys boogie downtown with them... then guys lower their effort. and then women drop their expectations again... and so it goes.
so its womens fault for letting guys get it for so little.
so dont complain about us not doing enough, its that youve let us believe that what we do IS enough.
its womens fault. everything i said in the last ramble, its all womens fault.
im not sexist. its a matter of women letting guys get away with it. if women lower their expectations and let guys boogie downtown with them... then guys lower their effort. and then women drop their expectations again... and so it goes.
so its womens fault for letting guys get it for so little.
so dont complain about us not doing enough, its that youve let us believe that what we do IS enough.
distances.
ive become bohemian.
i mean that in a ive wasted this entire week in the most unproductive ways. its been a matter of being awake, and making a coffeshop my second home. i just sit there and converse with some people for hours (hours meaning a good 8) about the absolute nothingness that we are currently doing. nothing is done, nothing changes. and the next day we do it all again. now this is entertaining the first few. but when you look back on your week and all you see is the same day repeated you start thinking that something should change.
but that is how my days are spent.
heres where the matter of distances work their way into this post. (i had a better segway into this but at some point while i was typing all of that out i went and lost it) curious developments of the modern era. first we had a whole courting ritual. love letters, some serenades and poems were written and exchanged. that might still happen today but the wording has changed for the worst as new generation continue to butcher languages by adding hip vernacular and subconsciouslly continue a rebellion against the bourgoise that was started long before them and which they arent aware of anymore. so the language suffers, and with it so does the quality of romance. the end result of this process is that after years of its inception, women are now being courted with short pickup lines or the ever inspiring, "your hot." the romans, greeks and even the great poets of yesteryears apparently wasted their breaths and ink by devising page after page commending women on their virtues and alluding to their attractiveness. all they had to say was your hot, wanna do it? and their goal would have been met. at least thats the way it seems now. a matter of being drunk, and an asshole seems to acquire more women than any other method. some gym time to develope muscles that will never be used other than for aesthetic appeal, then do a little posing act like an arrogant asshole, be sure to belittle all other men in the vicinity and youve got yourself a girl. wonderful. i love how as technology advances we seem to be losing our social capabilities as a race.
technology. the very same technology that kills our ability to communicate is the one thats fostering it the most. behold aim, msn, icq. the wonders of instant communication. take your basic penpal and this would be the electronic equivalent (besides the art of letter writing has long since been dead and given a proper funeral) except the writing is about as eloquent as a 4th graders ode to his favorite toy. here we find people conversing in the worst bastardization of english ever given popularity. not content with street slang, ghetto speak (dawg. crib. ebonics if you will) we now take up aim-speak and to a lesser extent leet-speak. a convenient method of covering the fact that most people can no longer spell accurately as a result of spellcheckers being enabled on computers across the nation. so our spelling, grammer, and vocabulary is slowly collapsing. bbl. ttyl. wtf. brb. lol. rotfl. afk. gg. these are the new words. and with these words we write to our friends. with this we somehoe attempt to communicate our individual personalities, yet we expect respect from these same individuals.
and technology also gives us the ability to find other people though. an electronic dating plaza. people of all walks of life converted into databases of people with categories such as favorite color, age, location, interests, and sex. glorious. heres the downside then. now you meet individuals online and the love letter is somewhat reborn. conversation take place, but not the purpose free conversations you might have with friends, but the awkward i think i like you and would like to shag and some point in the near future conversations. except here simply saying your hot places a stigma on you (to women i ask why the double standard?) as something of a pervert/desperate. so slightly more eloquent speech is used. a/s/l? wonderful question, really this question should be asked in order of importance, s/a/l?
sex: female. (yes! the opposite sex. good so far.)
age: 18. (legal! lets go for three)
location: texas. (crap thats far away... oh well, wanna cyber?)
this is perhaps the most common chat room conversation. but what about occasions where they meet through aim, or msn? thats the location of the slightly improved conversation, and what im getting at after all that ive said so far.
msn/aim contacts are slowly becoming perhaps as important as phone numbers. and the conversation is also different. a phone call can be awkward, with aim... its still seen as more casual. it isnt a person, its a random string of letters on your computer. whats the harm in typing a brief response. which gradually gets more involved. until, gasp, they might even be typing whole conversations with each other, using sentences! yet the beauty of this system, and the only reason i insist that it is a modern love letter in the proper hands, is that these conversations are a setup to a further purpose. distance is a major factor.
if a person is met, yet distance is an impedement to actual contact, then aim/msn is the medium. and if that becomes the medium, then the conversations being had are being had for a purpose. that purpose being that of maintaining attraction despite a lack of contact (absence makes the heart grow fonder or out of sight out of mind?), which is a complicated matter. however, care is also taken usually to avoid expressing that attraction outright (love you, can be misinterpreted as a simple version of goodbye, much like goodnight... or it can be taken seriously, and possibly very uncomfortable then). so that declaration is slowly worked to. it arrives much later. in the meantime its the innocent flirting that thrives (much like the content of love letters from days of lore, which eventually mature into the fullblown declarations of love, which in this case would be expressed during an actual meeting). however even here the comparison between classic writing on the topic and modern typings is pitiful. we have lost our ability to create comparable works.
the shortening of distance through technology has killed our sense of romance. eventually perhaps it will find a renaissance and flourish again, but for now, i believe it is withering away.
i dont know if this made as much sense as i would have it, but i refuse to edit the post.
i mean that in a ive wasted this entire week in the most unproductive ways. its been a matter of being awake, and making a coffeshop my second home. i just sit there and converse with some people for hours (hours meaning a good 8) about the absolute nothingness that we are currently doing. nothing is done, nothing changes. and the next day we do it all again. now this is entertaining the first few. but when you look back on your week and all you see is the same day repeated you start thinking that something should change.
but that is how my days are spent.
heres where the matter of distances work their way into this post. (i had a better segway into this but at some point while i was typing all of that out i went and lost it) curious developments of the modern era. first we had a whole courting ritual. love letters, some serenades and poems were written and exchanged. that might still happen today but the wording has changed for the worst as new generation continue to butcher languages by adding hip vernacular and subconsciouslly continue a rebellion against the bourgoise that was started long before them and which they arent aware of anymore. so the language suffers, and with it so does the quality of romance. the end result of this process is that after years of its inception, women are now being courted with short pickup lines or the ever inspiring, "your hot." the romans, greeks and even the great poets of yesteryears apparently wasted their breaths and ink by devising page after page commending women on their virtues and alluding to their attractiveness. all they had to say was your hot, wanna do it? and their goal would have been met. at least thats the way it seems now. a matter of being drunk, and an asshole seems to acquire more women than any other method. some gym time to develope muscles that will never be used other than for aesthetic appeal, then do a little posing act like an arrogant asshole, be sure to belittle all other men in the vicinity and youve got yourself a girl. wonderful. i love how as technology advances we seem to be losing our social capabilities as a race.
technology. the very same technology that kills our ability to communicate is the one thats fostering it the most. behold aim, msn, icq. the wonders of instant communication. take your basic penpal and this would be the electronic equivalent (besides the art of letter writing has long since been dead and given a proper funeral) except the writing is about as eloquent as a 4th graders ode to his favorite toy. here we find people conversing in the worst bastardization of english ever given popularity. not content with street slang, ghetto speak (dawg. crib. ebonics if you will) we now take up aim-speak and to a lesser extent leet-speak. a convenient method of covering the fact that most people can no longer spell accurately as a result of spellcheckers being enabled on computers across the nation. so our spelling, grammer, and vocabulary is slowly collapsing. bbl. ttyl. wtf. brb. lol. rotfl. afk. gg. these are the new words. and with these words we write to our friends. with this we somehoe attempt to communicate our individual personalities, yet we expect respect from these same individuals.
and technology also gives us the ability to find other people though. an electronic dating plaza. people of all walks of life converted into databases of people with categories such as favorite color, age, location, interests, and sex. glorious. heres the downside then. now you meet individuals online and the love letter is somewhat reborn. conversation take place, but not the purpose free conversations you might have with friends, but the awkward i think i like you and would like to shag and some point in the near future conversations. except here simply saying your hot places a stigma on you (to women i ask why the double standard?) as something of a pervert/desperate. so slightly more eloquent speech is used. a/s/l? wonderful question, really this question should be asked in order of importance, s/a/l?
sex: female. (yes! the opposite sex. good so far.)
age: 18. (legal! lets go for three)
location: texas. (crap thats far away... oh well, wanna cyber?)
this is perhaps the most common chat room conversation. but what about occasions where they meet through aim, or msn? thats the location of the slightly improved conversation, and what im getting at after all that ive said so far.
msn/aim contacts are slowly becoming perhaps as important as phone numbers. and the conversation is also different. a phone call can be awkward, with aim... its still seen as more casual. it isnt a person, its a random string of letters on your computer. whats the harm in typing a brief response. which gradually gets more involved. until, gasp, they might even be typing whole conversations with each other, using sentences! yet the beauty of this system, and the only reason i insist that it is a modern love letter in the proper hands, is that these conversations are a setup to a further purpose. distance is a major factor.
if a person is met, yet distance is an impedement to actual contact, then aim/msn is the medium. and if that becomes the medium, then the conversations being had are being had for a purpose. that purpose being that of maintaining attraction despite a lack of contact (absence makes the heart grow fonder or out of sight out of mind?), which is a complicated matter. however, care is also taken usually to avoid expressing that attraction outright (love you, can be misinterpreted as a simple version of goodbye, much like goodnight... or it can be taken seriously, and possibly very uncomfortable then). so that declaration is slowly worked to. it arrives much later. in the meantime its the innocent flirting that thrives (much like the content of love letters from days of lore, which eventually mature into the fullblown declarations of love, which in this case would be expressed during an actual meeting). however even here the comparison between classic writing on the topic and modern typings is pitiful. we have lost our ability to create comparable works.
the shortening of distance through technology has killed our sense of romance. eventually perhaps it will find a renaissance and flourish again, but for now, i believe it is withering away.
i dont know if this made as much sense as i would have it, but i refuse to edit the post.
13.5.04
everything must be quantified and categorized even personality.
Results
im guessing those results are viewable.
and i went ahead and plastered them online for a reason.
one, im not a huge follower of personality tests. i dont think that any personality test gets it all right. theres always something there that isnt included.
so i allow anyone who wants to to try and read my results. and gauge for yourselves (for those that know me) if this is accurate or slightly off.
enjoy.
and apparently im representative of 1% of the population. so maybe i am a little different than the rest... then again, maybe not.
ever realize how easy these things are to manipulate? if i felt compelled, and i believe that in most cases people do feel compelled, i could change the results so that i was an extrovert with a massive sex drive. and people do feel compelled by their motivation. is it a personality test for a dating service? then alter your responses to be outgoing, charismatic, creative and sensitive. is it for a job? try answers exemplifying creative and rational thinking, follow through, goal setting, dedication, leadership, extrovertedness. etc. etc.
so take this as you will, and i wont mention exactly what i think of it, dont want to taint anyones perspective on it...
and yes, i was bored when i took it, thats the reason i took it.
im guessing those results are viewable.
and i went ahead and plastered them online for a reason.
one, im not a huge follower of personality tests. i dont think that any personality test gets it all right. theres always something there that isnt included.
so i allow anyone who wants to to try and read my results. and gauge for yourselves (for those that know me) if this is accurate or slightly off.
enjoy.
and apparently im representative of 1% of the population. so maybe i am a little different than the rest... then again, maybe not.
ever realize how easy these things are to manipulate? if i felt compelled, and i believe that in most cases people do feel compelled, i could change the results so that i was an extrovert with a massive sex drive. and people do feel compelled by their motivation. is it a personality test for a dating service? then alter your responses to be outgoing, charismatic, creative and sensitive. is it for a job? try answers exemplifying creative and rational thinking, follow through, goal setting, dedication, leadership, extrovertedness. etc. etc.
so take this as you will, and i wont mention exactly what i think of it, dont want to taint anyones perspective on it...
and yes, i was bored when i took it, thats the reason i took it.
11.5.04
Sen. James Inhofe... fuck you.
CNN.com - GOP senator labels abused prisoners 'terrorists' - May 11, 2004
this man is an absolute piece of shite. Outraged by the outrage??? you imbecilic inbred bastard fuck.
this is one of the few stories ive read about the iraqi prisoner mistreatment that has made me want to openly launch a verbal assault rife with curses upon all who make claims that the us is great and all that wonderful patriotism that has griped this country. this man should never speak in public, he should never even be allowed near a camera again, not at press conferences, not at family reunions, never. this is the type of person that i would refer to as "redneck-ish" someone who might have money and might seem to be a representative of the educated social stratus, but in reality is still stuck somewhere back in 1930. this man is calling for the blood of iraqis because they have "american blood on their hands." so screw the rights of prisoners and the whole geneva convention... but flip the coin and im sure hes not ok with how iraqis treat american prisoners (i do feel for the poor prisoners still remaining in iraq, especially now that the iraqis are venting their frustrations through decapitations in retaliation) he probably figures thats incredibly wrong, but not if the us does it. then its justified. or lets see if he would agree then that following his logic we should also execute every single convicted murderer in the us? and not in a human (although no execution is ever humane) way, instead lets cause them intense psychological distress, have them endure extreme public and personal humiliation and defy and break every conventional norm and belief that they have by sadistic individuals who grin and enjoy those very acts (essentially lets allow the injured to exact their revenge in a governmentally sanctioned process). i hate this man.
he is to me an incredibly ignorant individual, who represents perhaps single handedly why people despise america. because close minded, insulated individuals do not consider the ramifications of their actions, or accept their mistakes but try to justify the acts that they commit (and grievous ones they are) through some illreasoned veil of patriotism. it can only go so far before this new found patriotism turns itself into a corrupt system that will allow individuals to execute any whim on the belief that if they do it for america it is ok and nothing will happen to them.
this man should be keelhauled, or even better send this man to iraq. let him be there and express his views and follow it up with actions (hed probably shoot every single one he saw... dr. strangelove meet your equal).
sadly enough, there are probably millions of americans throughout the midwest who see this man as their saviour in government.... i wish ignorance was done away with.
i need a drink... ill post again once i compose myself. he is such a bastard.
this man is an absolute piece of shite. Outraged by the outrage??? you imbecilic inbred bastard fuck.
this is one of the few stories ive read about the iraqi prisoner mistreatment that has made me want to openly launch a verbal assault rife with curses upon all who make claims that the us is great and all that wonderful patriotism that has griped this country. this man should never speak in public, he should never even be allowed near a camera again, not at press conferences, not at family reunions, never. this is the type of person that i would refer to as "redneck-ish" someone who might have money and might seem to be a representative of the educated social stratus, but in reality is still stuck somewhere back in 1930. this man is calling for the blood of iraqis because they have "american blood on their hands." so screw the rights of prisoners and the whole geneva convention... but flip the coin and im sure hes not ok with how iraqis treat american prisoners (i do feel for the poor prisoners still remaining in iraq, especially now that the iraqis are venting their frustrations through decapitations in retaliation) he probably figures thats incredibly wrong, but not if the us does it. then its justified. or lets see if he would agree then that following his logic we should also execute every single convicted murderer in the us? and not in a human (although no execution is ever humane) way, instead lets cause them intense psychological distress, have them endure extreme public and personal humiliation and defy and break every conventional norm and belief that they have by sadistic individuals who grin and enjoy those very acts (essentially lets allow the injured to exact their revenge in a governmentally sanctioned process). i hate this man.
he is to me an incredibly ignorant individual, who represents perhaps single handedly why people despise america. because close minded, insulated individuals do not consider the ramifications of their actions, or accept their mistakes but try to justify the acts that they commit (and grievous ones they are) through some illreasoned veil of patriotism. it can only go so far before this new found patriotism turns itself into a corrupt system that will allow individuals to execute any whim on the belief that if they do it for america it is ok and nothing will happen to them.
this man should be keelhauled, or even better send this man to iraq. let him be there and express his views and follow it up with actions (hed probably shoot every single one he saw... dr. strangelove meet your equal).
sadly enough, there are probably millions of americans throughout the midwest who see this man as their saviour in government.... i wish ignorance was done away with.
i need a drink... ill post again once i compose myself. he is such a bastard.
morning.
just woke up and took this... its pretty much the feeling i have most mornings on waking up... everything is just a bit of a view askew.
10.5.04
army.
one more thing i just noticed. theres the new army direction they are taking with the whole army of one (very very individualistic, seems to go against "leave no man behind" but im sure they have a reason for wanting to seem like inidividuals and not team players...) and support of this new modern army slogan theyve unleashed a new campaign promoting themselves. the army of one commercials, on tv, radio, print and tying in this new technology that is the internet (which they gave rise to anyway... so thank you army for creating a vehicle for me to recieve spam-mail detailing how to add 4 inches or how i can meet superslutty extrasexy wildcrazy teencollege girls in my area every 5 minutes)
but theres one commercial which just reeked of self promoting nationalism and patriotism (why do people seem like dicks when being patriotic?). its the one with the russian explaining how much he loves america and why and how hes "willing to fight for it" said while having a close up of his determined (angry?) bring it on face. but the part that i thought was just talking down to people and made me think that perhaps the army is focusing on recruiting less than stellar individuals is the part where, despite his thick accent which makes anyone assume hes not from the us, as he says "my family moved here when i was very young" they show a picture of him and his family (i suppose, or at least a media friendly b&w picture of a family) and then do that weird blur then snap to another picture with a quick jerk of the camera to a picture of the KREMLIN!
i suppose it isnt a big deal right? i mean it just establishes that he is from russia, or to be specific from moscow. its not his picture. he probably doesnt have one of the kremlin. its like assuming that every american that goes anywhere carries with hime a stylized b&w picture of the white house... hell i havent seen anyone even hold a picture of the white house much less own one. so what was the purpose of that picture? it pegs him as a russian, but wouldnt the commercial be more effective if that picture was left out and left the nationality of the person out, so that he would serve as a representation of all people from the eastern european countries that serve in the us army? i think id be less critical of it then...
but theres one commercial which just reeked of self promoting nationalism and patriotism (why do people seem like dicks when being patriotic?). its the one with the russian explaining how much he loves america and why and how hes "willing to fight for it" said while having a close up of his determined (angry?) bring it on face. but the part that i thought was just talking down to people and made me think that perhaps the army is focusing on recruiting less than stellar individuals is the part where, despite his thick accent which makes anyone assume hes not from the us, as he says "my family moved here when i was very young" they show a picture of him and his family (i suppose, or at least a media friendly b&w picture of a family) and then do that weird blur then snap to another picture with a quick jerk of the camera to a picture of the KREMLIN!
i suppose it isnt a big deal right? i mean it just establishes that he is from russia, or to be specific from moscow. its not his picture. he probably doesnt have one of the kremlin. its like assuming that every american that goes anywhere carries with hime a stylized b&w picture of the white house... hell i havent seen anyone even hold a picture of the white house much less own one. so what was the purpose of that picture? it pegs him as a russian, but wouldnt the commercial be more effective if that picture was left out and left the nationality of the person out, so that he would serve as a representation of all people from the eastern european countries that serve in the us army? i think id be less critical of it then...
7over.
my school classification was 7. its the number of semesters i have been here at college. 3 and a half years of college over with. it was only going to go for 4. but now i will finish in 9 semesters. attribute it to my getting a second minor in psychology, which i think is fitting for me.
had a conversation with a friend and he said that it seems right that i get that minor and he get a economics/math minor (i also have a marketing minor) because of the difference in the way we think. seems he believes hes the more logical/reason thinker of the two of us. think hes wrong but i never know do i. anyway i think people have a different view of me than i would like them to, or that i do of myself anyway. so maybe thats something to work on. because some people have accused me of being stuckup/arrogant/superior or simple&dull, which isnt quite what i hoped people would think. although some people have started to view me in a "playah" type light...
and since we have comments the board is a redundancy. so goodbye board.
today for once out of so many days, i finally woke up and not groggy or just bleh, but awake and ummm its just different because im not waking up and feeling bored or drowsy or just unwilling. its different, enjoyable but very different.
had a conversation with a friend and he said that it seems right that i get that minor and he get a economics/math minor (i also have a marketing minor) because of the difference in the way we think. seems he believes hes the more logical/reason thinker of the two of us. think hes wrong but i never know do i. anyway i think people have a different view of me than i would like them to, or that i do of myself anyway. so maybe thats something to work on. because some people have accused me of being stuckup/arrogant/superior or simple&dull, which isnt quite what i hoped people would think. although some people have started to view me in a "playah" type light...
and since we have comments the board is a redundancy. so goodbye board.
today for once out of so many days, i finally woke up and not groggy or just bleh, but awake and ummm its just different because im not waking up and feeling bored or drowsy or just unwilling. its different, enjoyable but very different.
3.5.04
oversentimental bastards.
so im going through some people blogs and i realize something. it seems that a persons blog is invariably linked to other blogs that are written similar, or sound similar... so much so that i just went through one person bloglist and all five of his links (yes the bastard is male and not female, so relax dear) where very similar to his. some sentimental long winded over analyzed over fantasized incredibly sappy/corny ode to a girl from yesteryears written in a fabulous eulogy style (in past tense, and the ever popular "we split up, but i think it was for the best") followed eventually by some ramblings in the best faux poetic style they can muster regarding a new person (the variable here is that sometimes they know them other times its that person at the coffeeshop/class/apt/etc). and then some pointless issues about their day... why do so many blogs read like 15yr old musings written in crayon in some cheap cheesy diary with that stupid little useless key/lock thing? i suppose this isnt the place to search for brilliant literary works or meaningful discussion... perhaps in an ideal world.
you know what... this is an ideal world. stop the bitching about someday it will be better, or back in the good ol days (like when? when was it ever better than it is now? 60yrs ago i'd be going to europe... to get shot at. 30yrs ago? no computer, internet, tv, college was something other people did, lots of drugs though so id be a junkie without a job. 20yrs ago? it was the 80's so fuck that with the reaganomics and all that shit. and that brings us up to now... the further back you go the more you have to surrender from your current life and the uncomfortable things get... more work less pay less options more hazard and eventually we make it to the plague. so no, there never was a good old day, just a romanticized memory from your childhood. actually that is everyones good old day, childhood cause we didnt know any better.)... the point was that this is as ideal as your going to get. every day is ideal. we get alittle more, improve just a wee bit (maybe not personally but in a larger global way) and sure there is pain and suffering, but theres always been pain and suffering, and there always will be, then now and after. itll always be there (consider the afterlife, burn in hell, live in heaven, someone is always suffering) and lets not blame this on humans, saying that humans are evil. it might seem evil but everyone has some little shiny parts. pol pot might be a manslaying (and woman and child and uncle and cousin) bastard... but maybe he gave his dogs some extra food and let them sleep inside, or maybe he had a soft spot for romance novels (? you never know, but reading romance novels isnt what i would call "good" but girls do it, actually housewives do it... so that doesnt mean anything at all). you know. its a matter of context, cause to be permanently evil would mean that you wouldnt really get to far (seeing how youd be killing maiming and generally causing pain and misery everywhere you set foot, which means they catch you and watch you through a little window for the rest of your life... on the other hand... free drugs! and electroshock maybe a fashionable lobotomy even.)
thing is stop thinking oh it will be better... cause sure it might, but its a random occurance if you benefit (cause nobody thinks of making it better for you, just getting the money out of your pocket so you think you are better,... its all marketing.). so it mostly comes down to you improving what you feel needs improvement... otherwise your just a bystander waiting for something to happen which may or may not happen and your probably not even sure what that something is but your sure youll recognize it when it happens. sure you will. and i will take over ghana and proceed to sell it to the french for 15 million hard boiled emu eggs. equally likely. cause the world will be ideal, when? when we all hold hands and sing in glorious elation about how its so nice and peaceful now that muslims, jews, communists, democracies, iraq, iran, syria, usa, all of russia, kkk, black panthers, glad, catholics, pope, antoine lavey, hicks, cityboys, rednecks, hispanics, ireland, britain,bloods, crips, democrats, republicans, spain, catalans, world vs world all got together and said "my bad. i thought you said sheepskin." fuck me in the ass if that ever happens. so stop hoping for better (cause entropy sets in eventually and its something of a bitch to stop isnt it.) and just cope with what you have and admit that its pretty good, if not probably more than you deserve (but im not here to judge what you deserve, if it were up to me wed go back to feudalism and id be king... cause its sweet to be the king, without the whole inbreeding thing though, more of a harem type king.)
whatever. im pretty content with how things are going (lets remember that im a cynical bastard who doesnt believe that 1 person makes a huge difference unless hes/shes being watched and backed by a couple of million, and it only takes one idiot to tarnish the whole thing, so watch your mouth).
i wonder if this makes any sense in hindsight... finals week makes my brain feel fuzzy.
you know what... this is an ideal world. stop the bitching about someday it will be better, or back in the good ol days (like when? when was it ever better than it is now? 60yrs ago i'd be going to europe... to get shot at. 30yrs ago? no computer, internet, tv, college was something other people did, lots of drugs though so id be a junkie without a job. 20yrs ago? it was the 80's so fuck that with the reaganomics and all that shit. and that brings us up to now... the further back you go the more you have to surrender from your current life and the uncomfortable things get... more work less pay less options more hazard and eventually we make it to the plague. so no, there never was a good old day, just a romanticized memory from your childhood. actually that is everyones good old day, childhood cause we didnt know any better.)... the point was that this is as ideal as your going to get. every day is ideal. we get alittle more, improve just a wee bit (maybe not personally but in a larger global way) and sure there is pain and suffering, but theres always been pain and suffering, and there always will be, then now and after. itll always be there (consider the afterlife, burn in hell, live in heaven, someone is always suffering) and lets not blame this on humans, saying that humans are evil. it might seem evil but everyone has some little shiny parts. pol pot might be a manslaying (and woman and child and uncle and cousin) bastard... but maybe he gave his dogs some extra food and let them sleep inside, or maybe he had a soft spot for romance novels (? you never know, but reading romance novels isnt what i would call "good" but girls do it, actually housewives do it... so that doesnt mean anything at all). you know. its a matter of context, cause to be permanently evil would mean that you wouldnt really get to far (seeing how youd be killing maiming and generally causing pain and misery everywhere you set foot, which means they catch you and watch you through a little window for the rest of your life... on the other hand... free drugs! and electroshock maybe a fashionable lobotomy even.)
thing is stop thinking oh it will be better... cause sure it might, but its a random occurance if you benefit (cause nobody thinks of making it better for you, just getting the money out of your pocket so you think you are better,... its all marketing.). so it mostly comes down to you improving what you feel needs improvement... otherwise your just a bystander waiting for something to happen which may or may not happen and your probably not even sure what that something is but your sure youll recognize it when it happens. sure you will. and i will take over ghana and proceed to sell it to the french for 15 million hard boiled emu eggs. equally likely. cause the world will be ideal, when? when we all hold hands and sing in glorious elation about how its so nice and peaceful now that muslims, jews, communists, democracies, iraq, iran, syria, usa, all of russia, kkk, black panthers, glad, catholics, pope, antoine lavey, hicks, cityboys, rednecks, hispanics, ireland, britain,bloods, crips, democrats, republicans, spain, catalans, world vs world all got together and said "my bad. i thought you said sheepskin." fuck me in the ass if that ever happens. so stop hoping for better (cause entropy sets in eventually and its something of a bitch to stop isnt it.) and just cope with what you have and admit that its pretty good, if not probably more than you deserve (but im not here to judge what you deserve, if it were up to me wed go back to feudalism and id be king... cause its sweet to be the king, without the whole inbreeding thing though, more of a harem type king.)
whatever. im pretty content with how things are going (lets remember that im a cynical bastard who doesnt believe that 1 person makes a huge difference unless hes/shes being watched and backed by a couple of million, and it only takes one idiot to tarnish the whole thing, so watch your mouth).
i wonder if this makes any sense in hindsight... finals week makes my brain feel fuzzy.
2.5.04
changes have come.
i just realized how in 40 years theres been a massive change as to what is sexy. first of granted i do believe that people always considered a woman prancing around all naked and fancy free to be inherently sexy. but thats not what i mean. i mean how we went from the women in the 40's (thinking movie stars) looking sexy by being glamorous. it wasnt about how much skin they showed but how they carried themselves, their personal sexiness. now its a matter of being as pornoish as you can so youll be sexy. using mtv as a reference... alicia keys - classy sexy. britney/christina/jessica - sex (whoreish kinda looky im showing so much skin and look i have breasts!) so ok... most people are happy and overjoyed at this cause they always have to do outdo each other so we get to see more skin and more provocative poses than ever before. hiphops videos flood us with upclose and personal crotch shots and more bouncing booty than has been seen since the days of the pirates, but they had more plundering. thing is i think its been overdone and now im jaded and indifferent. not to say i dont like the pictures cause i do. but i want the glamor sexy to come back a bit more (think nicole kidman pulls it off lately). or at least not forced sexiness. (gwen stefani seems sexy just being who she is, not a fabricated sexy) i mean you hear britney/christina speak and well... it doesnt give the same impression as when you see their video. so its just different. and while they may be attractive (and this im applying to all women in mtv lately and even some i know personally) really it seems to be too much effort and far to shallow (oh and if your prancing around in low low rise i can see your thong (or lack of) jeans with the tight tight barely there t-shirt... forgive me for not respecting you and giving you the respect i think you deserve based on the look... but its hard to assume that if thats what your wearing that you are a nice upstanding sweet christian individual with truly important ideas regarding the political scene and political upheaval and the strife that comes from it in uzbekistan... rather it seems to me that that particular look kinda screams "look at me! look look! i have legs, and an ass! and breasts! touch me touch me take me home and feel me!!") it is shallow though isnt it? we now base sexiness on how much skin we can see on a person as opposed to the person (and no bullshit about how personality cannot be seen in a video cause it can) or their personality.. subtlety is being lost. but i suppose based on the experiences ive had with the current crop of freshmen that its only way to get into their thick dense heads anymore, cause no one understand subtlety anymore. you have to practically bash an idea into their head with a crowbar for them to even start to pay attention, nevermind trying to get them to appreciate something as subtle as sexy with all the clothes on (and by the by... when did playboy stop being sexy? is it just me or is 50lbs of silicon with soft focus and massive airbrushing just not something that particularly does it for me? not to mention after a while youll realize that they all kind of share a similar look. which is to say, a girl that hugh would like to shag, who also posseses massive breasts cause nothing is sexier than surgery and silicone) so i hope and prey and wait.. impatiently but i wait.
30.4.04
do it tomorrow.
problem is tomorrow always becomes today. so i procrastinate indefinately. but the only reason i do so is because its worked for me so far. ultimately something happens to make it ok for me. dont have housing and the deadline passed? no matter two days later i find someone willing to rent me their apartment for the cheap. (saved about 400 by procrastinating.. somebody up there is keeping track of things.) and so forth and so forth. punctuality is something that im not so great at. sometimes im punctual sometimes not. it really depends on why i should be punctual. if its important things (like possible deportation or missing an airplane flight) then yeah im punctual, otherwise. im on hispanic time. i just procrastinate cause its so easy and it doesnt require effort, and we all know my stance on effort (bare minimum is good enough for most things... if i enjoy it, then ill do a bit more, otherwise, bare minimum) pretty soon im going to have to change that, if i plan to get a job anyway, not many companies seek out the efficient individual with a slightly less than stellar work ethic. but i do get some things done in a timely fashion (just dont give me a 3 month deadline, cause ill put it off till a week before if your lucky) but they have to be due right about then, otherwise i will find something infinately more entertaining to do, and theres always something... hell watching paint dry is more entertaining than work. so is watching the rain. so is watching the dust bunnies cross the vast desert that is the floor beneath my desk... thrilling. i named them. dust bunnie bo and dust bunnie jipo. ah, how they play. theyll be dead soon. no matter. i can always make more. do we realize that we buy things for the express purpose of throwing them away? like trashbags... kleenex... those kitchen towels... confetti. its all just trash the minute we use it. we dont accept that from anything else... but a trashbag we throw out the minute we get one. such a waste. supermarkets give out free bags you know. just use smaller trashcans. and your pretty much set. and yeah... london has questionable dentistry. should i pack a toothbrush or do you think theyll take it away at customs? toothpaste may be considered biological warfare. ill wage war with my mighty dental floss. beware britain, for i bring with me the knowledge of dental hygiene.
28.4.04
and god said....
he said a lot of things actually. some good some not so good. but we dont know that cause all we have is the one book. for all we know god loves puns.
but We HAVe COLOR. ladies and gentlemen behold the creation of color in all its different incarnations and hues. ah. tis a sight. now.... im bored. yeah this page has color, whoopdelaa. i think i hurt someones feelings today without really wanting too (and in a really bad way)... i feel. (hallelujah for that one) i might have to do something about that soon. very soon. empathy is a bitch.
but We HAVe COLOR. ladies and gentlemen behold the creation of color in all its different incarnations and hues. ah. tis a sight. now.... im bored. yeah this page has color, whoopdelaa. i think i hurt someones feelings today without really wanting too (and in a really bad way)... i feel. (hallelujah for that one) i might have to do something about that soon. very soon. empathy is a bitch.
22.4.04
epacheco@gmail.com
...
guess what?
i fucked up on the address last time.
this is the actual address.... anything sent to that address is lost in limbo.
so try resending anything you sent.
guess what?
i fucked up on the address last time.
this is the actual address.... anything sent to that address is lost in limbo.
so try resending anything you sent.
20.4.04
epacheco@gmail.google.com
new email address. im trying this one out. and expect it full of spam by friday. but i can always just make another one. they do give me nearly a gigabyte to store messages on so it wont fill my account like hotmail does. anyway. now you can email me every minute of every day and everysingle time you do something even remotely interesting. you could email me in the morning and tell me how the floor feels under your feet. or how the coffee seems to taste more like coffee today than it did yesterday. or how you saw a cloud which you swear was the same one you saw back when you were 5 and it caused to weep openly for no reason. or how you saw a cute little furry animal today but it didnt let you touch it and now your washing your hands 5 times every hour. or you could email me a detailed explanation of how it is that you wash your hands and why that method is better than the standard method. or you could email me a list of exactly what composes general knowledge. or a fifteen page thesis on why the color red is inherently better than the color blue. or the blueprints for your new and improved mousetrap or somthing or anything. or you could email a simple little one word email "hi." and to paraphrase another movie from times ago with talking animals and a pig, but not charlottes pig, a different pig responding to babe... thatll do pig thatll do.
15.4.04
.
the problem with the future is that it always becomes the present.
nevermind the picture. its just a part of something that i did a little over 8 months ago and just recently refound.
what im thinking right now is how odd it is to start feeling older. certain things that i did less than a year ago are now things that i cant find the time to do. either that or they seem like things that belong back there in the haziness of the past and nowhere near the present. people say that certain things kill them a little on the inside. it might just be true, but its the passage of time that does away with us.
i used to sketch all the time... highschool i did it nearly every damn day in every class... id have notebook upon notebook filled with doodles, little things in the margins, or whole pages dedicated to one subject. however these images always came about to completion in 45 minutes, never more nor less if it wasnt "done" in 45 minutes, then it would never be done. and all those notebooks are now lying in a landfill somewhere, they are gone... just plain gone. so that now the only way i can remember them is through the haze of nostalgia, which has a tendency to over emphasize the positive, and severly downplay the negative, so that what i remember probably in no way resembles what was actually there. but i suppose thats why all our memories are different when concerning a single shared event. but ive stopped the sketching... mostly anyway, occasionally i make one or two sketches, but i feel like the quality of my sketches has declined. im just not as confident in making one anymore, not that i ever really went around showing them off. but now i find myself hiding them even more. on the one hand my technique is faltering, but on the other at times i find myself thinking that my imagination/creativity has outgrown my skill. what i mean by that is that i find myself thinking how i want to make something look a certain way, or move, or this or that, but cant find a way to do it... so its become less about static images and more about moving images. yet pictures still seem like an outlet... theres the one series of pictures that i want to have, but i probably wont ever get them. not because of a lack of time, ability or whatever, but because the actual end result will never compare exactly to the image i have in my head. but thats only because every image in my head is never merely one lonesome image... its an image within an image... so that picture that i want, isnt just a picture. its part of something slightly larger. its less static, more dynamic. like a story that just spins and spins outward from itself to encompass not only the story of the one person but the entire history of everyone they know. but ive had to slowly start to give that up. not voluntarily, but time becomes more and more of a premium as we age. now i have classes, projects, groups, social events, etc. etc. that require my attention and suddenly finding time to do something on my own, without much encouragement or recognition just becomes a lot harder. and i suddenly realize that nearly everything i do here is just something short of a veiled attempt to fit in and find acceptance, and perhaps that is why most everyone in college ends up being so similar to everyone else within their spheres of influence. beyond that though, i think the moment we start to feel aged is when we think of what we have done and are hit with the streams of memories. when there are so many coming back to us that is seems overwhelming that we have experienced so much, that so much has changed in our lifetimes and in ourselves. perhaps that is when we realize that we are older. that we age. that we mature grow and change at all times. its just a constant process up until the time that we decide we have done everything that we are ever going to do at which point we stop. and despite it all. at times we attribute changes to our surroundings, to the people we knew and have left behind, to places that no longer seem as magical as they once were, to interests that are now foolish and better left to younger individuals. but perhaps its we that have changed? is it our experiences that then change the nature of things? is the loss of innocence then our own doing? not that of the world we live in but how we have interacted with it and let it change us? but by that then individuality is not really who a person is, but what the surroundings have made of them? so that when a person seems unique, it is not his individuality that comes through, but his desire to make this place more similar to the surroundings from whence they came.... this would explain why people of a certan ethnicity band together (people from korea are more likely, at least initially, to interact with others from korea upon entering college in america)... i think im completely off topic here... whatever the reason for my rant im not sure quite what it is but i have an inkling of an idea... i forget my point, there probably wasnt one. its all just letters and words and hopefully something meaningful spills out of that. suffice to say i think, that ive been reading a book lately that puts me in a specific frame of mind...
and honestly, i think im coming close to understanding the difference between a good book and an entertaining book... if nothing else is said this day by myself, let it be this...
gabriel garcia marquez, love in the time of cholera, is an incredibly romantic book, yet not in the same way that romance novels are romantic... this is simply romantic (perhaps because i found a character that i can relate to far to easily in this one... but i think everyone can relate to someone) and it puts me in a particular state of mind, very very particular... ill explain later. for now ive gone far enough.
the problem with the future is that it always becomes the present.
nevermind the picture. its just a part of something that i did a little over 8 months ago and just recently refound.
what im thinking right now is how odd it is to start feeling older. certain things that i did less than a year ago are now things that i cant find the time to do. either that or they seem like things that belong back there in the haziness of the past and nowhere near the present. people say that certain things kill them a little on the inside. it might just be true, but its the passage of time that does away with us.
i used to sketch all the time... highschool i did it nearly every damn day in every class... id have notebook upon notebook filled with doodles, little things in the margins, or whole pages dedicated to one subject. however these images always came about to completion in 45 minutes, never more nor less if it wasnt "done" in 45 minutes, then it would never be done. and all those notebooks are now lying in a landfill somewhere, they are gone... just plain gone. so that now the only way i can remember them is through the haze of nostalgia, which has a tendency to over emphasize the positive, and severly downplay the negative, so that what i remember probably in no way resembles what was actually there. but i suppose thats why all our memories are different when concerning a single shared event. but ive stopped the sketching... mostly anyway, occasionally i make one or two sketches, but i feel like the quality of my sketches has declined. im just not as confident in making one anymore, not that i ever really went around showing them off. but now i find myself hiding them even more. on the one hand my technique is faltering, but on the other at times i find myself thinking that my imagination/creativity has outgrown my skill. what i mean by that is that i find myself thinking how i want to make something look a certain way, or move, or this or that, but cant find a way to do it... so its become less about static images and more about moving images. yet pictures still seem like an outlet... theres the one series of pictures that i want to have, but i probably wont ever get them. not because of a lack of time, ability or whatever, but because the actual end result will never compare exactly to the image i have in my head. but thats only because every image in my head is never merely one lonesome image... its an image within an image... so that picture that i want, isnt just a picture. its part of something slightly larger. its less static, more dynamic. like a story that just spins and spins outward from itself to encompass not only the story of the one person but the entire history of everyone they know. but ive had to slowly start to give that up. not voluntarily, but time becomes more and more of a premium as we age. now i have classes, projects, groups, social events, etc. etc. that require my attention and suddenly finding time to do something on my own, without much encouragement or recognition just becomes a lot harder. and i suddenly realize that nearly everything i do here is just something short of a veiled attempt to fit in and find acceptance, and perhaps that is why most everyone in college ends up being so similar to everyone else within their spheres of influence. beyond that though, i think the moment we start to feel aged is when we think of what we have done and are hit with the streams of memories. when there are so many coming back to us that is seems overwhelming that we have experienced so much, that so much has changed in our lifetimes and in ourselves. perhaps that is when we realize that we are older. that we age. that we mature grow and change at all times. its just a constant process up until the time that we decide we have done everything that we are ever going to do at which point we stop. and despite it all. at times we attribute changes to our surroundings, to the people we knew and have left behind, to places that no longer seem as magical as they once were, to interests that are now foolish and better left to younger individuals. but perhaps its we that have changed? is it our experiences that then change the nature of things? is the loss of innocence then our own doing? not that of the world we live in but how we have interacted with it and let it change us? but by that then individuality is not really who a person is, but what the surroundings have made of them? so that when a person seems unique, it is not his individuality that comes through, but his desire to make this place more similar to the surroundings from whence they came.... this would explain why people of a certan ethnicity band together (people from korea are more likely, at least initially, to interact with others from korea upon entering college in america)... i think im completely off topic here... whatever the reason for my rant im not sure quite what it is but i have an inkling of an idea... i forget my point, there probably wasnt one. its all just letters and words and hopefully something meaningful spills out of that. suffice to say i think, that ive been reading a book lately that puts me in a specific frame of mind...
and honestly, i think im coming close to understanding the difference between a good book and an entertaining book... if nothing else is said this day by myself, let it be this...
gabriel garcia marquez, love in the time of cholera, is an incredibly romantic book, yet not in the same way that romance novels are romantic... this is simply romantic (perhaps because i found a character that i can relate to far to easily in this one... but i think everyone can relate to someone) and it puts me in a particular state of mind, very very particular... ill explain later. for now ive gone far enough.
1.4.04
oi.
so i have a test. and i know i have one. in the morning. 10.30am to be precise.
and what am i doing awake at 4.30am?
not studying, though perhaps i should (but i feel cocky) no... im aiding a friend in something.
so i spend some time fixing and modifying a picture to get that result. (there are 3 other pictures but you can see those at her sight i think it was time well spent... though it did leave me hungry. mind you i had to remove a chair leg that was in that dogs head, a table leg, a cigarette butt (filthy habbit, stupid nicotine making me feel good) and a plastic wrapper (people littering everywhere nowadays even by a dogs food bowl)... then brighten the picture, followed by that coloring (which isnt as hard as it seemed when i figured id do it for the sheer experience of trying) theres only one thing in the picture that irritates me (and if you cant figure it out, im not one to tell... but its not the foot even though it would have been nice to remove it, but that would take way more time)...
so yeah... my priorities seem to be becoming friends before most anything else... oh well, caffeine will get me through tomorrow...
i also have been mulling over an idea i want to get started, pictures of cities at night as viewed from a car going 75 on the highway... with the lights streaking and everything a little blurry... they actually look pretty nifty that way.
and what am i doing awake at 4.30am?
not studying, though perhaps i should (but i feel cocky) no... im aiding a friend in something.
so i spend some time fixing and modifying a picture to get that result. (there are 3 other pictures but you can see those at her sight i think it was time well spent... though it did leave me hungry. mind you i had to remove a chair leg that was in that dogs head, a table leg, a cigarette butt (filthy habbit, stupid nicotine making me feel good) and a plastic wrapper (people littering everywhere nowadays even by a dogs food bowl)... then brighten the picture, followed by that coloring (which isnt as hard as it seemed when i figured id do it for the sheer experience of trying) theres only one thing in the picture that irritates me (and if you cant figure it out, im not one to tell... but its not the foot even though it would have been nice to remove it, but that would take way more time)...
so yeah... my priorities seem to be becoming friends before most anything else... oh well, caffeine will get me through tomorrow...
i also have been mulling over an idea i want to get started, pictures of cities at night as viewed from a car going 75 on the highway... with the lights streaking and everything a little blurry... they actually look pretty nifty that way.
19.3.04
passionate christ
im back from spring break. but ill talk about that some other day.
for now. lets see the passion of the christ (specifying exactly which christ by placing that the there).
oh its a great movie. good music. good use of images and color and so forth (except when the jewish temple falls apart which is apparently when they ran out of a budget because it looked horribly fake and snapped me out of the movie for a bit, you can tell that its a set piece when the floor rips apart... oh well so much for a perfect christ picture). but is it a movie that will convert christians? no.
i have some christian friends (well, one specific one) who disliked the movie because it had become to commercial he said. apparently basing a movie around the final day (or couple since they werent specific about how many days it took) was the wrong thing to do. because that isnt what you think of when you think of christ (apparently showing more of his teachings, the miracles and so forth with a sanitized crucification would have been more his cup of tea). i disagree.
another friend claimed the movie was too gory (example being towards the end when the raven starts pecking at the eyes of the "evil" thief). no it wasnt.
heres my view. the movie does what it does and does it well. its not meant to convert a person to christianity. there is no reference to any christian doctrine (ok, maybe one or two items, the love your enemy, and little things like that, but this wont become a christian reference film anytime soon). instead what it aims to do (in my own opinion) is remove the sterilized version of the crucifiction that we all have. the bible basically makes the crucification a quick thing "he was nailed to the cross and crucified on golgotha." woop-de-la. not much there to really bring forth the agony (agonizing pain is a term brought about to describe the suffering one endurs when crucified because there wasnt a word to accurately capture the intensity of it before that... learn something new every day.) yet the movie takes 2 odd hours to show you what it is that he went through, and in doing so should reinforce a persons faith (if christian) by realizing the inmense effort, will, and (corny as it sounds now) passion that was required to undergo such an event that could be avoided (in being the son of the highest deity, you figure if he wanted to and wasnt as committed to his mission as he was he could have smote everybody there and never have allowed anyone to even touch him, much less crucify). for a non christian, this is 2 hours of watching someone be tortured. and the personification of satan in this movie is as close to what i think satan is as im going to see for a while (remember, lucifer was an angel, of music, morningstar, beautiful as anything ever made, pretty much desire personified, not the redheaded guy with a pitchfork). so does the movie make the crucifiction seem like the massive ordeal that i thought it was? yes. it does that very well. it does seem like much more of a sacrifice now than before.
because it is easy to sit here 2000 years after the fact and 2000 years after the entire practice of crucifiction was done away with and shrug it off as something simple. as a barbaric act of an uncivilized people, but not really think about it. just like suffering from the plague or leprosy is something that we read about in history books but never fully realize just how horrible it was. so this movie is one that christians who wish to understand just a bit more what it was that christ did in his final days should go see? definately. just realize that the reactions from christians and secular people will be radically different, even from christian to christian the opinions may be different. but, we do learn something from it, and in talking of it... isnt that an accomplishment in itself?
by the way, i should mention that those other two people who didnt like this movie are the same type of people who love (and i mean ADORE) the harry potter movies, books,etc and arent thrilled at the idea of going to watch a scary movie (for example my suggestion that we watch cabin fever a few months back was instantly greeted with a no.) so perhaps they arent the most cultured movie goers to ask an opinion from. ces la vie. oh, and i doctored that picture near the title to get it to look like that... no real reason. just bored.
13.3.04
superficiality.
oh god. i hate it when a simple conversation with someone that really doesnt have anything to do with anything becomes so much more. its a stupid conversation. it doesnt matter at all. just a stupid superficial conversation with someone. and then they say one stupid thing that makes you come to a realization and have to admit things about yourself that you werent prepared to admit. and it doesnt take long to realize it, soon as the words leave your mouth you realize that its going to keep you awake all night.
its a horrible thing. one small comment keeps you awake all night. you run it through your head all night. and you search and analyze yourself to see why. or you try to rationalize your comment or behavior, some form of logic to make all it ok.
so what wonderful comment did i make? im superficial with everyone but 3 people in my life...
and why? i dont know. (and those 3 people dont include my family) but ive been trying to go over it in my head for some hours night. just shoot me.
i guess i have this whole obsession with being able to have a long conversation with someone about something important, but that means i have to be able to trust, confide, something like that, something about letting another under my skin. its scares me to no end. and im an introvert, cynical and sarcastical, so it takes me a bit to come to understand someone and be willing to share. but why?
the phrase that comes to mind is "superficiality means your never close enough to hurt or be hurt." which means, that in being shallow, nobody gets to really know me, and i dont really know anybody else, which leaves me very much alone... ugh, its driving me insane inside, because theres something greater at stake here, theres something more that i have yet to get to, its right there, its just out of view... but when it hits its going to change me alittle once again...
god i just cant be myself with her. shes to moody and emotional. and were just different and i dont think i can let myself be me with her. why did she have to ask me if i was superficial with her (and give me that coy little look afterwards and have her voice change like she really cared and was emotionally at some level a little pained by this revelation...) i saw her reaction and i meant to reverse it all and say something plain stupid instead of that... i just want to be able to be calm and relaxed and myself without all the effort around some people.
and how long before the fake person we present to others because the actual person we are?
we do as we do because we of who we are. if we did any different, we wouldnt be ourselves.
its a horrible thing. one small comment keeps you awake all night. you run it through your head all night. and you search and analyze yourself to see why. or you try to rationalize your comment or behavior, some form of logic to make all it ok.
so what wonderful comment did i make? im superficial with everyone but 3 people in my life...
and why? i dont know. (and those 3 people dont include my family) but ive been trying to go over it in my head for some hours night. just shoot me.
i guess i have this whole obsession with being able to have a long conversation with someone about something important, but that means i have to be able to trust, confide, something like that, something about letting another under my skin. its scares me to no end. and im an introvert, cynical and sarcastical, so it takes me a bit to come to understand someone and be willing to share. but why?
the phrase that comes to mind is "superficiality means your never close enough to hurt or be hurt." which means, that in being shallow, nobody gets to really know me, and i dont really know anybody else, which leaves me very much alone... ugh, its driving me insane inside, because theres something greater at stake here, theres something more that i have yet to get to, its right there, its just out of view... but when it hits its going to change me alittle once again...
god i just cant be myself with her. shes to moody and emotional. and were just different and i dont think i can let myself be me with her. why did she have to ask me if i was superficial with her (and give me that coy little look afterwards and have her voice change like she really cared and was emotionally at some level a little pained by this revelation...) i saw her reaction and i meant to reverse it all and say something plain stupid instead of that... i just want to be able to be calm and relaxed and myself without all the effort around some people.
and how long before the fake person we present to others because the actual person we are?
we do as we do because we of who we are. if we did any different, we wouldnt be ourselves.
10.3.04
.
think my hair might be a tad long. i cant see out my left eye half the time now because of it. but ive kept myself from developing a mullet through the use of shavers. but should i let this continue to grow for another couple of months? it will depend on how lazy i am and how much not seeing my left eye annoys me.
7.3.04
(Sandman, Quotable)
have you ever been in love?
horrible, isnt it?
it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. you build up all these defenses. you build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...you give them a piece of you. they dont ask for it. they do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and your life isnt your own anymore. love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
it hurts. not just the imagination. not just in the mind. its a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. nothing should be able to do that. especially not love.
i hate love.
-rose walker. sandman
horrible, isnt it?
it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. you build up all these defenses. you build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...you give them a piece of you. they dont ask for it. they do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and your life isnt your own anymore. love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
it hurts. not just the imagination. not just in the mind. its a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. nothing should be able to do that. especially not love.
i hate love.
-rose walker. sandman
28.2.04
i do or do i?
the marriages continue
this is a mess of should they, sould we let them, is it right/wrong/ethical/moral?
i have an opinion on this. of course, why else would i be mentioning such a thing?
anyway, i think that honestly marriage is not something that is absolutely necessary in this case. I dont believe that it really changes anything from a relationship point of view. if they have been living together for 5 years and acting as a married couple, does having a marriage license now suddenly change the situation in any dramatic way?
besides, marriage as an institution was not set up for love. it has become an expression of love (well a little less so currently) through customs and whatnot, but that is not what it was intended to do when it came about. see, marriage was created in order to assure that the children being sired belonged to a specific man (yes man, back in the day women werent exactly prized property) and to therefore bind the man to the woman and the woman to the man. it was a sort of assurance that your woman would produce your offspring and no one elses. from this we fast forward a couple of decades and suddenly marriage has somehow become intertwined with love (remember that there still are arranged marriages, and the royal families where big fans of bloodlines and desirable traits... bred like show dogs they were) but eventually it was no longer a matter of who you would marry based on what they had or what family they belong to, etc. it was whom you loved. well this is great, but nothing more than an extension based on the original reason for marriage. then the sexual revolution has made marriage a little less important due to the ability to control the reproductive process (ie. the pill... women where now free to sleep around just like the men) and suddenly sex is no longer reserved until after marriage, and marriage becomes less permanent (if you control when you get pregnant, not only can you sleep around in college, but adultery becomes easier because there wont be any mysterious pregnancies... see its all about thinking things through a bit). if you can have sex with someone and not get pregnant, well, why not go one step further and assure that you can have sex whenever you want it as well? and thus we have people living together, but not marriage because that still has some ideas implied and connected to it. eventually there is marriage, but its no longer permanent, it only lasts so long as the people like each other. no long term affection (because in a world of disposable loves and partners, long term relationships are being affected and are changing into something slightly above a decade long fling -7year itch anyone?-). ok so marriage is something of a mess, but its still a custom society respects and recognizes. civil marriages differ from religious marriages. and nobody should argue with a religion that refuses to condone homosexual marriages (because its a religion with tenets and laws that form the base of the religion, if we can suddenly argue any LAW -not suggestion, or guideline, but LAW unchanging and permanent- and have the church change its stance on it, what is to stop a large enough group from arguing against the adultery law -love thy neighbor?-??).
civil marriage brings benefits with it, benefits that arose due to the primary function of marriage, childbearing couples. Now granted not all couples can or do, raise children. but they, heterosexuals, have a much larger probability of birthing a child than the homosexuals (who have 0 probability on their own, without the recourse given to lesbians of artificial means, which impose a larger cost on society than the natural method). and even in the event that homosexuals adopt or come about producing a child through other means, the fact of it remains that they have removed themselves from the human gene pool. so there is no passing on of their unique genetic makeup, instead of increasing the variety of genes available, this dilutes the gene pool a bit. but that isnt too important right now (it would be if heterosexual relationships suddenly became rare.) back to the rights given by civil marriages. these exist to facilitate the raising and creation of offspring. maternity leave? to allow the mother to give birth. the ability to claim people as dependants, and leave them money/property at the time of death? to allow the surviving member to look after the child and improve their ability to survive and repeat the whole process over. so if homosexual couples want these rights then it shouldnt be addressed through the process of marriage, instead ask for the rights (the government has already created seperate institutions to address the changes in society, so why not this as well.) it wont be called marriage, but civil union? or perhaps something altogether new, which would be equivalent of a marriage but without the official title of marriage, they will have almost the exact same rights as married couples.
then theres the whole adoption issue for them. some argue that they shouldnt be allowed. others say that they should because of some reason or another. i cant say for certain that they should or shouldnt. it should be a case by case basis. on the other hand, it opens up for a fair amount of research as to whether or not society determines a persons sexuality or if its genetic. (simply put, how many of the children adopted by homosexual couples become homosexuals themselves compared to the amount of homosexuals that where raised by hetersexuals?) and would the children be impaired due to the public reaction to homosexual couples? (something like, would the childhood of a boy raised by convicted felons have a marked difference from the childhood of a boy raised by the average white, afluent american couple?)... so many questions and issues, and there isnt a simple answer to be found.
this is probably going to keep happening for a while, and will create a whole slew of new regulations (similar to the politically correct language that we are now expected to use, even though it gets in the way of everything, costs an insane amount of money to maintain and is ultimately not the best way to go about it)... so yeah.
why is marriage important now anyway?
this is a mess of should they, sould we let them, is it right/wrong/ethical/moral?
i have an opinion on this. of course, why else would i be mentioning such a thing?
anyway, i think that honestly marriage is not something that is absolutely necessary in this case. I dont believe that it really changes anything from a relationship point of view. if they have been living together for 5 years and acting as a married couple, does having a marriage license now suddenly change the situation in any dramatic way?
besides, marriage as an institution was not set up for love. it has become an expression of love (well a little less so currently) through customs and whatnot, but that is not what it was intended to do when it came about. see, marriage was created in order to assure that the children being sired belonged to a specific man (yes man, back in the day women werent exactly prized property) and to therefore bind the man to the woman and the woman to the man. it was a sort of assurance that your woman would produce your offspring and no one elses. from this we fast forward a couple of decades and suddenly marriage has somehow become intertwined with love (remember that there still are arranged marriages, and the royal families where big fans of bloodlines and desirable traits... bred like show dogs they were) but eventually it was no longer a matter of who you would marry based on what they had or what family they belong to, etc. it was whom you loved. well this is great, but nothing more than an extension based on the original reason for marriage. then the sexual revolution has made marriage a little less important due to the ability to control the reproductive process (ie. the pill... women where now free to sleep around just like the men) and suddenly sex is no longer reserved until after marriage, and marriage becomes less permanent (if you control when you get pregnant, not only can you sleep around in college, but adultery becomes easier because there wont be any mysterious pregnancies... see its all about thinking things through a bit). if you can have sex with someone and not get pregnant, well, why not go one step further and assure that you can have sex whenever you want it as well? and thus we have people living together, but not marriage because that still has some ideas implied and connected to it. eventually there is marriage, but its no longer permanent, it only lasts so long as the people like each other. no long term affection (because in a world of disposable loves and partners, long term relationships are being affected and are changing into something slightly above a decade long fling -7year itch anyone?-). ok so marriage is something of a mess, but its still a custom society respects and recognizes. civil marriages differ from religious marriages. and nobody should argue with a religion that refuses to condone homosexual marriages (because its a religion with tenets and laws that form the base of the religion, if we can suddenly argue any LAW -not suggestion, or guideline, but LAW unchanging and permanent- and have the church change its stance on it, what is to stop a large enough group from arguing against the adultery law -love thy neighbor?-??).
civil marriage brings benefits with it, benefits that arose due to the primary function of marriage, childbearing couples. Now granted not all couples can or do, raise children. but they, heterosexuals, have a much larger probability of birthing a child than the homosexuals (who have 0 probability on their own, without the recourse given to lesbians of artificial means, which impose a larger cost on society than the natural method). and even in the event that homosexuals adopt or come about producing a child through other means, the fact of it remains that they have removed themselves from the human gene pool. so there is no passing on of their unique genetic makeup, instead of increasing the variety of genes available, this dilutes the gene pool a bit. but that isnt too important right now (it would be if heterosexual relationships suddenly became rare.) back to the rights given by civil marriages. these exist to facilitate the raising and creation of offspring. maternity leave? to allow the mother to give birth. the ability to claim people as dependants, and leave them money/property at the time of death? to allow the surviving member to look after the child and improve their ability to survive and repeat the whole process over. so if homosexual couples want these rights then it shouldnt be addressed through the process of marriage, instead ask for the rights (the government has already created seperate institutions to address the changes in society, so why not this as well.) it wont be called marriage, but civil union? or perhaps something altogether new, which would be equivalent of a marriage but without the official title of marriage, they will have almost the exact same rights as married couples.
then theres the whole adoption issue for them. some argue that they shouldnt be allowed. others say that they should because of some reason or another. i cant say for certain that they should or shouldnt. it should be a case by case basis. on the other hand, it opens up for a fair amount of research as to whether or not society determines a persons sexuality or if its genetic. (simply put, how many of the children adopted by homosexual couples become homosexuals themselves compared to the amount of homosexuals that where raised by hetersexuals?) and would the children be impaired due to the public reaction to homosexual couples? (something like, would the childhood of a boy raised by convicted felons have a marked difference from the childhood of a boy raised by the average white, afluent american couple?)... so many questions and issues, and there isnt a simple answer to be found.
this is probably going to keep happening for a while, and will create a whole slew of new regulations (similar to the politically correct language that we are now expected to use, even though it gets in the way of everything, costs an insane amount of money to maintain and is ultimately not the best way to go about it)... so yeah.
why is marriage important now anyway?
17.2.04
driven by oil
Peak Oil
now this is a downer.
ok so the short version is this... we dont run out of oil, but it becomes scarce as demand far outweighs supply. so it becomes expensive as fuckall and that makes everything else horribly expensive so massive famine, death and the whole armageddon dealy takes place until only around 500mill. are left and life goes on.
whoop whoop.
now believing or not is moot point. because theres nothing to do anyway. if they are right, then its gonna happen and theres no way to stop it. if they arent right, then theres no point for concern. but theres nothing to do about it anyway.
just something i picked up over the weekend at a conference for something.
oh, and im guessing this wont be on the news anytime soon, not because they are owned by companies... but because it would result in chaos on a global level (picture all presidents telling their citizens, "we fucked, seems like 5.5 billion will die off in the next 5 to 10 years, best of luck then.")
yeah so... i feel fucked up (not drunk, but my throat and head arent doing so well lately... and i have tests which i havent studied to well if at all for... such a long day).
now this is a downer.
ok so the short version is this... we dont run out of oil, but it becomes scarce as demand far outweighs supply. so it becomes expensive as fuckall and that makes everything else horribly expensive so massive famine, death and the whole armageddon dealy takes place until only around 500mill. are left and life goes on.
whoop whoop.
now believing or not is moot point. because theres nothing to do anyway. if they are right, then its gonna happen and theres no way to stop it. if they arent right, then theres no point for concern. but theres nothing to do about it anyway.
just something i picked up over the weekend at a conference for something.
oh, and im guessing this wont be on the news anytime soon, not because they are owned by companies... but because it would result in chaos on a global level (picture all presidents telling their citizens, "we fucked, seems like 5.5 billion will die off in the next 5 to 10 years, best of luck then.")
yeah so... i feel fucked up (not drunk, but my throat and head arent doing so well lately... and i have tests which i havent studied to well if at all for... such a long day).
