only thing worse than bad memories, is no memories at all.

im bored.
i dont have anything to do. and my roomate is asleep. meaning i have to keep quiet and sit in limited lighting. there is very little i can do in this type of environment.
so i, despite my best efforts, had a thought.
i have little motivation.
this is why it is really hard for me to get around to doing things for myself, i just assume it will eventually get done, if not by me then by someone. i dont think its my fault really, i blame my parents. there are reasons, and its not that i hate my parents. see ive always been told what my life will be like.
it went something to the tune of, you will finish highschool, then go to college, graduate, come back and manage the things you inherit.
so this is why i am in management, one of the most unstimulating majors i could ever have picked. this is why i dont study, because who cares about management? its too dry. it all seems to be simple common sense. even the marketing ones tend to go that way, but at least they are interesting (any class that drops clues and ideas on how to manipulate people into wanting things they dont need will keep me awake). and ive found i can just coast through classes now (true ive had to retake some classes, but that was from before i got settled) so no effort there. people just tell me what to do eventually, hw on these days, papers done like this and turned in like this on this day, read this, summarize this, tested on this, take this class, take that class. so i just settle in and wait for the next person to tell me what to do. left to my own devices, i just like tinkering with images and little details... but i dont get paid for that, would be nice. but nobody has told me how to do that. they just told me that i should ignore such childish pursuits and focus on a career. which is where i sometimes begin to think about what would have been and could have been. ultimately i always decide that i prefer to keep things the way they are now (now = last 2 years of college, the first two were uneventful, unfulfilling, blase, boring, regrettable utterly forgettable... i just wasnt ready.)
as for a job. a job is something i would like. i used to be infatuated with the idea of london based jobs. but now... now i just want a marketing job somewhere/anywhere. so hopefully next semester ill be motivated in a way that i am not motivated now, and ill actively try for a job (unlike the window shopping im doing now, which is what people did in soph. year... the whole "i like this company. and that one seems good too." thing...)
thing is i dont know if the job im imagining for myself is more marketing or advertising.
itll work itself out. right?