its been a bit. this blog was in danger of being permanently abandoned by me. mostly out of sheer laziness, im a lazy bastard what can i say in my defense? so? so im lazy so be it, im fine with it and i dont think i really care what you think of my personality. on the one hand thats a great thing isnt it, being able to say that i really dont care all that much. however on the downside it means that i dont have anyone that i care enough about to care what they think of me.... pity. and heres my problem, not that its a unique problem to me and certainly not my only problem but the one thats sitting front and center in my mind, is this...
friendship sucks ass sometimes.
see, ignoring how or why friendships are formed, because that isnt my point of interest right now, its what happens after a friendship is started. friendships lead to familiarity and familiarity leads to attraction (the more obscure non physical kind that developes when you know a persons personality and not just that they look pretty good in short shorts) and attraction can eventually lead to that almight feeling that people write books on and dedicate millions of dollars to artificially reproduce on a movie screen, love. oh fabulous and wonderful love, yeah its great and wonderful... its a bunch of crock but sure its great if you think you have it (prefferably of the mutual exchange type and not the i love her though shell never know but just knowing she is alive makes me all tingly type....)and how do we know we have it? i dont know. i honestly dont. all i know is i like girls who make me laugh. because i know what people would call hot girls, and despite looking nice, they bore me. their great if i want to sell somebody a car but really suck at everything else (like anything that involves opening their mouths and forming letters and words into complete sentences without using an excessive amount like, and pop culture quotes) im sick and tired of hearing someone say "its hot in here" and be immediately followed by some loudly obnoxious fuck who thinks they are so fucking hilarious that everyone in a ten mile radius had better hear what they are saying bursts into the whitest rendition of so take off all your clothes ever heard outside of amish country. why is it necessary for some people to be loud to be funny? what ever happened to subtlety? maybe our clothing styles reflect that... guess its hard to be subtle when jeans are now riding inches above naughty bits and tops are being very very revealing to the point of distraction (and why would old men be attracted to this... du dudu duuuh) there just isnt any room for subtelty... and subtelty is probably one of those things that led to people being romantic, because you cant just out and say i wanna tap your ass like an iraqi oil field.... instead you play with words and create things to try and convey a meaning, and establish a mood, not blatantly saying lets go the club, get hammered so we dont care as much and youll finally say yes to my unrelenting asking of letting me see your panties hit the floor, aw sweet romance. and this is what im getting at in all of this, whenever you see a couple realize that right behind them their will be another couple still longing for them. anytime a girl gets a guy, there are probably 1 or 2 guys wishing she was with them but they will continue to smile and nod and be a good good friend to that girl always hoping that someday she will realize just how lucky she is to know somebody like them. and curse her to the fiery pits of hell if she ever says -what we have is so much better- wHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!!! better? then why are you dating at all? if you have something better why not stick with what is better instead of settling for dating something that is obviously worse. its like saying i love steak but ill have a salad instead because steak is so much better. fuck all. and one more final thing, i think its final, women are horribly superficious, perhaps even worse so than men. because women like to go to clubs (guys tend to prefer bar environments) and clubs are ill lit, incredibly loud places. now you cant talk, so you cant have a conversation. what you can do is this, look at what people are wearing, their physical appearance, and maybe how they dance... oooh lala. and somehow women complain that we are superficial? well shit, if your letting a guy come on to you because he looks cute, dresses well and dances (oh the freudian playground that sentence is) id say your pretty damn superficial. and dont try shitting me that you can tell somebodies personality by looking at them (although psych says that first impressions only take less than 2 seconds or was it 20? either way, thats not much time) and yes im alittle bitter because it seems like the louder and more obnoxious you are the more play you get... do women do it just to get the bastards to shut the fuck up or what? cause i hear and see these people when they come back from parties and bars and honestly they annoy the shit out of me and they just arent funny... go figure im not comfortable in several places, because i feel that these people are just to different from me to allow me to be myself and fit in... same deal with my highschool class, i dont fit in at all i think. for whatever reason i just cant do it... im not that much of a chameleon, ill go anywhere but doesnt mean ill be comfortable... god, go figure all i want is a girl to make me laugh... and i think im running on here, and ive run out of things to say i think, mind is running on empty, classes are mind numbingly dull and unchallenging... and i get distracted easy, not medication needing, but it would be nice to have a class that challenges me to an extent so that i have to pay attention, but instead i feel like im being limited to learning at the pace of the most retarded person in the class, and i hate it and wish i could move on to something more, something larger and more interesting... but i hate this goddamn college and its ability to kill all sense of creative thinking and individuality. in the end i just want to be left to my own devices, and be noticed for something without having to resort to yelling about how drunk i am or something like that, because its not me, and yet i feel like their isnt much room for me anywhere, like everyplace is content and all the rules are set and im just kinda gliding through not doing much because there really isnt a place where i can be comfortable. actually im lying, there is a place or two where i feel comfortable, just not on my floor, cause im surrounded by obnoxious assholes who yell at each other in neanderthalian ways... fucking assholes i tell ya, and yet women hang out with them... im so confused.
the whole point of this post got lost in translation (a movie i really want to see by sofia coppola) but here it is. i got friendly with someone, and i eventually suffered an attraction. and now, now i come to realize though always suspected yet never confirmed, that she is actually kinda butnot really dating a friend of mine, a really good friend too. and so something went awfully wrong within me when she showed me real proudly and smiling and just beaming, her new hicky. overjoyed i became, just like a crack addict is overjoyed when he has no crack, that kind of overjoyed. so im being a fucking manequin just smiling and conveying absolutely no emotion, a nice emotional mask to wear. its fucking brilliant the way life works. but im bitter and my view is askew. not to mention no ciggarettes all day, so im a wee bit on edge.
