im an idiot. but of everything ive ever heard, read or said... this is my favorite.
its simple. it can mean as much or as little as you want it to. no consequence, no implications. just a statement.
i like it, i dont know entirely why but i like it.
what do you make of it?
25.5.04
stupid and lifeless, like everyone else.
i thought i had something to say on the topic of being gay by birth and not upbringing. the idea i had then, has escaped me just now, and i tried remembering it well enough to prove my point, however i cant seem to find the same logical connections i managed to find last time. so, i wont write it down. i dont feel like i should post arguments here that i havent thought through, especially not comments and opinions that though my own, may be weak in structure and content.
content has become more and more important these days. lack of content means being hollow. if you have ever met a person whos personality is a vacant hole, then you might realize that being hollow is something horrible. it seems people now create personalities and attitudes based less on themselves and on what they represent, but more on the personalities that are imprinted on them through the great single eye. a constant bombardment of images and sound that end up selling less product but more attitude. it no longer matters that one is not an actual thug gangster from the worse parts of a poverty stricken ghetto. now even the individuals in upscale suburbia can play gangsta, they can follow the style, the dress and the mock lifestyle. so does that cheapen it? not really. a poser is a poser is a poser. and the fake attitude and personalities that people use to represent themselves with, that they choose to have associated with them can never compare to the original source. do you think that wearing the same hat, shirt, jeans and shoes as the rapper on mtv makes you exactly like him? yet, its not always the entire lifestyle that people crave is it?
its the "bling," the highpoints, the wonderful life that is seen through tinted lenses. the ghetto is a place of smiling children, women with style and attitude who want nothing more than to bed a ghetto baller, where everyone wears expensive tshirts by ecko and your wardrobe always equals $800 in value, where the sun always shines and the game is always on, a players paradise... sure, that would explain why people flock to live there right? wake up.
hollow individuals. no real personality. just copies. nothing special. a wandering blank with few remaining braincells occupied in spewing forth the latest overused cliche catch phrase... im rick james bitch. worrr (when did it become hip to speak with that drawl? its like your brain cant comprehend what your trying to do and just gives up for a bit. even you dont like you.) this is what passes for personality now. its a simple matter of watching some tv and latching onto the latest greatest phase and adapting yourself to it. this means that everyone can be popular. everyone is the same. everyone is becoming dull.
lifeless and unoriginal, empty hollowed out husks, brain dead with apathy, vacant stares, empty but lost,blind,dumb,deaf and too stupid to realize it. wake up.
few would read this far. our attention span is being reduced to fractions of a second. nothing captures attention anymore. weve been emotionally muted. we are told what is funny. do you realize that? laugh tracks inform us as to when we should laugh, its not the timing delivery or content that makes us laugh, its the laughtrack. we have been conditioned. television tells us tv is great. "the end of the greatest comedy," "the best show on tv comes to an end." then the media all joins in an unrelenting unignorable chant, and we become blind. we accept the idea. nobody argues, and those that do are left behind, out of the way, so as to not interfere with the doping of the mass by the garguantan marketing machine. hush. be complacent. dont look away. its ok.
i wonder. if tv has become so deeply ingrained in our culture, in our very lives, is there anyway to attempt to seperate ourselves? can we possibly cultivate a unique personality, something entirely ours, a return to originality and creativity?
i wonder. hollow empty and dull. view it all and never bat an eye. they will take care of everything, just sit down and dont think about it. conform, its easier. wake up.
think of all the memories you have and how many include a television? a movie? music? lines from shows, commercial music/jingles, movies, quotes, scenes, frames, events... it all gets taken and reused. replace the event with the movies. its the only way we understand. d-day. wwII. holocaust. vietnam. space. history. how much of it do we remember from text, and how much do we know from movies? troy... did we know the illiad before? do we now. how many memories do we possess that we cannot compare to a scene in a movie. it seems more and more we want to live like them. we strive for it. its becoming an ideal. we talk like them, dress like them, and our memories start to meld. soon our memories shape the movies, we direct them, envision them. memories based on the memories of others. lives lived like others meant. music sounding like the music that came before it. a repetition of ideas. a reprocessing of the sound. conform.
empty hollow husks. repetition. conformity. complacency. dumb and simple like cows.
"but we rebel, we are anticulture!" how can a rebellion be a rebellion when accepted by society? punk. gothic. emo. take your choice. even this which was once unique has been taken in. the same as the rest, just different coverings. the trappings matter little if the inside is gone. different they claim to be. yet equals they have, different only when outside the clique you have been given. society is prepared for you. you are no different. conform, eventually we'll make you. be calm. we have everything under control. and like cows we line up to destroy ourselves, chewing our cud. our life gone long before we die.
confined. restricted and limited.
content has become more and more important these days. lack of content means being hollow. if you have ever met a person whos personality is a vacant hole, then you might realize that being hollow is something horrible. it seems people now create personalities and attitudes based less on themselves and on what they represent, but more on the personalities that are imprinted on them through the great single eye. a constant bombardment of images and sound that end up selling less product but more attitude. it no longer matters that one is not an actual thug gangster from the worse parts of a poverty stricken ghetto. now even the individuals in upscale suburbia can play gangsta, they can follow the style, the dress and the mock lifestyle. so does that cheapen it? not really. a poser is a poser is a poser. and the fake attitude and personalities that people use to represent themselves with, that they choose to have associated with them can never compare to the original source. do you think that wearing the same hat, shirt, jeans and shoes as the rapper on mtv makes you exactly like him? yet, its not always the entire lifestyle that people crave is it?
its the "bling," the highpoints, the wonderful life that is seen through tinted lenses. the ghetto is a place of smiling children, women with style and attitude who want nothing more than to bed a ghetto baller, where everyone wears expensive tshirts by ecko and your wardrobe always equals $800 in value, where the sun always shines and the game is always on, a players paradise... sure, that would explain why people flock to live there right? wake up.
hollow individuals. no real personality. just copies. nothing special. a wandering blank with few remaining braincells occupied in spewing forth the latest overused cliche catch phrase... im rick james bitch. worrr (when did it become hip to speak with that drawl? its like your brain cant comprehend what your trying to do and just gives up for a bit. even you dont like you.) this is what passes for personality now. its a simple matter of watching some tv and latching onto the latest greatest phase and adapting yourself to it. this means that everyone can be popular. everyone is the same. everyone is becoming dull.
lifeless and unoriginal, empty hollowed out husks, brain dead with apathy, vacant stares, empty but lost,blind,dumb,deaf and too stupid to realize it. wake up.
few would read this far. our attention span is being reduced to fractions of a second. nothing captures attention anymore. weve been emotionally muted. we are told what is funny. do you realize that? laugh tracks inform us as to when we should laugh, its not the timing delivery or content that makes us laugh, its the laughtrack. we have been conditioned. television tells us tv is great. "the end of the greatest comedy," "the best show on tv comes to an end." then the media all joins in an unrelenting unignorable chant, and we become blind. we accept the idea. nobody argues, and those that do are left behind, out of the way, so as to not interfere with the doping of the mass by the garguantan marketing machine. hush. be complacent. dont look away. its ok.
i wonder. if tv has become so deeply ingrained in our culture, in our very lives, is there anyway to attempt to seperate ourselves? can we possibly cultivate a unique personality, something entirely ours, a return to originality and creativity?
i wonder. hollow empty and dull. view it all and never bat an eye. they will take care of everything, just sit down and dont think about it. conform, its easier. wake up.
think of all the memories you have and how many include a television? a movie? music? lines from shows, commercial music/jingles, movies, quotes, scenes, frames, events... it all gets taken and reused. replace the event with the movies. its the only way we understand. d-day. wwII. holocaust. vietnam. space. history. how much of it do we remember from text, and how much do we know from movies? troy... did we know the illiad before? do we now. how many memories do we possess that we cannot compare to a scene in a movie. it seems more and more we want to live like them. we strive for it. its becoming an ideal. we talk like them, dress like them, and our memories start to meld. soon our memories shape the movies, we direct them, envision them. memories based on the memories of others. lives lived like others meant. music sounding like the music that came before it. a repetition of ideas. a reprocessing of the sound. conform.
empty hollow husks. repetition. conformity. complacency. dumb and simple like cows.
"but we rebel, we are anticulture!" how can a rebellion be a rebellion when accepted by society? punk. gothic. emo. take your choice. even this which was once unique has been taken in. the same as the rest, just different coverings. the trappings matter little if the inside is gone. different they claim to be. yet equals they have, different only when outside the clique you have been given. society is prepared for you. you are no different. conform, eventually we'll make you. be calm. we have everything under control. and like cows we line up to destroy ourselves, chewing our cud. our life gone long before we die.
confined. restricted and limited.
22.5.04
note.. mainly to self.
tomorrow once the sangria wears off ill explain my views on being gay... the whole nature vs. nurture issue as brought on by a conversation (albeit brief) with someone.
20.5.04
19.5.04
joke that doesnt end.
how many people have found themselves in one of these situations?
you start an inside joke with someone, now it isnt that funny outside of the context it was started in, and probably it was only funny in that specific moment. so the conversation ends and you figure it was over, the joke was dead, it had its moment but it had to die.
yet your friend apparently didnt understand that the joke died. so they continue to think its funny... and a couple of days later during another conversation they bring it up again. even though you dont think its funny anymore, and few jokes ever live for more than a few days, you play along listlessly. awkward moment aside you continue the conversation. inevitably they bring the joke back. now repetition does not equal funny (sometimes yes, but look at tom green and tell me it didnt get annoying after a while), yet your friend presses on with an ignorant grin plastered across their face.
does your friendship deserve this? should you outright mention that it wasnt funny, and in the process wound their precious psyche? or play along with lowering degrees of enthusiasm hoping that they eventually understand that it isnt funny anymore? are they dense? theres always the hope that it doesnt linger for too long, but it could become a black plague that follows your friendship along for days, weeks, months and most horribly, years.
maybe it is worth it to just kill the joke. that or dissapear for couple of days while they get it out of their system.
because that joke isnt funny anymore.
you start an inside joke with someone, now it isnt that funny outside of the context it was started in, and probably it was only funny in that specific moment. so the conversation ends and you figure it was over, the joke was dead, it had its moment but it had to die.
yet your friend apparently didnt understand that the joke died. so they continue to think its funny... and a couple of days later during another conversation they bring it up again. even though you dont think its funny anymore, and few jokes ever live for more than a few days, you play along listlessly. awkward moment aside you continue the conversation. inevitably they bring the joke back. now repetition does not equal funny (sometimes yes, but look at tom green and tell me it didnt get annoying after a while), yet your friend presses on with an ignorant grin plastered across their face.
does your friendship deserve this? should you outright mention that it wasnt funny, and in the process wound their precious psyche? or play along with lowering degrees of enthusiasm hoping that they eventually understand that it isnt funny anymore? are they dense? theres always the hope that it doesnt linger for too long, but it could become a black plague that follows your friendship along for days, weeks, months and most horribly, years.
maybe it is worth it to just kill the joke. that or dissapear for couple of days while they get it out of their system.
because that joke isnt funny anymore.
18.5.04
siendo breve.
eh aqui algo raro. no tanto el hecho de que he puesto ya varios commentarios en este mes, y menos de aqui hay otro, pero que lo estoy haciendo en español.
y porque escribir en este lenguaje? creo que la pregunta tiene que ver algo con mi estado de animo en los ultimos dias. pues aparte de algo que ha sucedido en mi vida, cosa cual que solo dos personas estan enteradas (por lo menos con palabras mias, si ellas han hablado mas pues no me he enterado por el momento) el estado al que me refiero es que voy dando con la realizacion de que mi casa es algo que no vere en un año. y esto ultimamente me esta causando un poco de curiosidad y sentimentalidad. porque aparte de que no vere a mi familia, ni a los amigos y amigas que mas cercanos que tengo, es que realmente no habre hablado ni escrito nada en español tampoco.
no se si es gran cosa, o si solamente me estoy preocupando sin motivo, pero de repente el hecho de no hablar español es algo realmente importante para mi. no se exactamente cuando vino a dar esto pero de repente le estoy encontrando el gusto y el placer que la gente la da al lenguaje. ahora esto no significa que estoy viendo univision/telemundo y considerando eso como el español. vengo pensando mas en el español/castellano con el cual uno tiene la tendencia de imaginarse a neruda o marques usando.
un español culto. pero debido a la desgracia de mi infancia y desarollo, un lenguaje que no tengo. almenos no creo ni pienso tener nada comparable a un español culto. sino el español callejero, la bastardizacion de la lengua que usamos todos de jovenes. y como mi educacion hasta ahora ha sido completamente en ingles (injusto que una escuela bilingue tenga la tendencia de preferencias en cuanto a las lenguas usadas, y en el caso de mi escuela, hasta como se usaban tales lenguas) mi habilidad con el español nunca mejoro, y no lo veo sucediendo tampoco.
lo cual es una lastima. un desperdicio de una posibilidad. algo que nunca supe aprovechar cuando lo tenia, y ahora me encuentro en una situacion en la cual hasta posiblemente estoy viendo el deterioro de mi habilidad con cada dia que viene terminando.
no se que es pero ultimamente algo viendo cambiando muy de pronto pero parece ser algo con un inicio mas profundo de lo que estoy preparado a admitir en estos momentos.
mi interes y forma de hablar el español viene cambiando ultimamente. y pienso que ahora es cuando voy a empesar a darle direcion a mis lecturas y escojer caminos mas castellanos....
ahi veremos... por ahora termino este comentario, si hace sentido en alguna manera entonces salio bien, si no, bueno entonces no hay mucho que puedo hacer ahora. puesto que debo terminar algun dia, y ahora parece el mejor momento ya que ahora me encuentro prestando mas atencion a una persona y la conversacion que ahi se desarolla, que a este monologo...
in the end... i was bored.
y porque escribir en este lenguaje? creo que la pregunta tiene que ver algo con mi estado de animo en los ultimos dias. pues aparte de algo que ha sucedido en mi vida, cosa cual que solo dos personas estan enteradas (por lo menos con palabras mias, si ellas han hablado mas pues no me he enterado por el momento) el estado al que me refiero es que voy dando con la realizacion de que mi casa es algo que no vere en un año. y esto ultimamente me esta causando un poco de curiosidad y sentimentalidad. porque aparte de que no vere a mi familia, ni a los amigos y amigas que mas cercanos que tengo, es que realmente no habre hablado ni escrito nada en español tampoco.
no se si es gran cosa, o si solamente me estoy preocupando sin motivo, pero de repente el hecho de no hablar español es algo realmente importante para mi. no se exactamente cuando vino a dar esto pero de repente le estoy encontrando el gusto y el placer que la gente la da al lenguaje. ahora esto no significa que estoy viendo univision/telemundo y considerando eso como el español. vengo pensando mas en el español/castellano con el cual uno tiene la tendencia de imaginarse a neruda o marques usando.
un español culto. pero debido a la desgracia de mi infancia y desarollo, un lenguaje que no tengo. almenos no creo ni pienso tener nada comparable a un español culto. sino el español callejero, la bastardizacion de la lengua que usamos todos de jovenes. y como mi educacion hasta ahora ha sido completamente en ingles (injusto que una escuela bilingue tenga la tendencia de preferencias en cuanto a las lenguas usadas, y en el caso de mi escuela, hasta como se usaban tales lenguas) mi habilidad con el español nunca mejoro, y no lo veo sucediendo tampoco.
lo cual es una lastima. un desperdicio de una posibilidad. algo que nunca supe aprovechar cuando lo tenia, y ahora me encuentro en una situacion en la cual hasta posiblemente estoy viendo el deterioro de mi habilidad con cada dia que viene terminando.
no se que es pero ultimamente algo viendo cambiando muy de pronto pero parece ser algo con un inicio mas profundo de lo que estoy preparado a admitir en estos momentos.
mi interes y forma de hablar el español viene cambiando ultimamente. y pienso que ahora es cuando voy a empesar a darle direcion a mis lecturas y escojer caminos mas castellanos....
ahi veremos... por ahora termino este comentario, si hace sentido en alguna manera entonces salio bien, si no, bueno entonces no hay mucho que puedo hacer ahora. puesto que debo terminar algun dia, y ahora parece el mejor momento ya que ahora me encuentro prestando mas atencion a una persona y la conversacion que ahi se desarolla, que a este monologo...
in the end... i was bored.
16.5.04
continuation of last.
just a minor thing i though i should add.
its womens fault. everything i said in the last ramble, its all womens fault.
im not sexist. its a matter of women letting guys get away with it. if women lower their expectations and let guys boogie downtown with them... then guys lower their effort. and then women drop their expectations again... and so it goes.
so its womens fault for letting guys get it for so little.
so dont complain about us not doing enough, its that youve let us believe that what we do IS enough.
its womens fault. everything i said in the last ramble, its all womens fault.
im not sexist. its a matter of women letting guys get away with it. if women lower their expectations and let guys boogie downtown with them... then guys lower their effort. and then women drop their expectations again... and so it goes.
so its womens fault for letting guys get it for so little.
so dont complain about us not doing enough, its that youve let us believe that what we do IS enough.
distances.
ive become bohemian.
i mean that in a ive wasted this entire week in the most unproductive ways. its been a matter of being awake, and making a coffeshop my second home. i just sit there and converse with some people for hours (hours meaning a good 8) about the absolute nothingness that we are currently doing. nothing is done, nothing changes. and the next day we do it all again. now this is entertaining the first few. but when you look back on your week and all you see is the same day repeated you start thinking that something should change.
but that is how my days are spent.
heres where the matter of distances work their way into this post. (i had a better segway into this but at some point while i was typing all of that out i went and lost it) curious developments of the modern era. first we had a whole courting ritual. love letters, some serenades and poems were written and exchanged. that might still happen today but the wording has changed for the worst as new generation continue to butcher languages by adding hip vernacular and subconsciouslly continue a rebellion against the bourgoise that was started long before them and which they arent aware of anymore. so the language suffers, and with it so does the quality of romance. the end result of this process is that after years of its inception, women are now being courted with short pickup lines or the ever inspiring, "your hot." the romans, greeks and even the great poets of yesteryears apparently wasted their breaths and ink by devising page after page commending women on their virtues and alluding to their attractiveness. all they had to say was your hot, wanna do it? and their goal would have been met. at least thats the way it seems now. a matter of being drunk, and an asshole seems to acquire more women than any other method. some gym time to develope muscles that will never be used other than for aesthetic appeal, then do a little posing act like an arrogant asshole, be sure to belittle all other men in the vicinity and youve got yourself a girl. wonderful. i love how as technology advances we seem to be losing our social capabilities as a race.
technology. the very same technology that kills our ability to communicate is the one thats fostering it the most. behold aim, msn, icq. the wonders of instant communication. take your basic penpal and this would be the electronic equivalent (besides the art of letter writing has long since been dead and given a proper funeral) except the writing is about as eloquent as a 4th graders ode to his favorite toy. here we find people conversing in the worst bastardization of english ever given popularity. not content with street slang, ghetto speak (dawg. crib. ebonics if you will) we now take up aim-speak and to a lesser extent leet-speak. a convenient method of covering the fact that most people can no longer spell accurately as a result of spellcheckers being enabled on computers across the nation. so our spelling, grammer, and vocabulary is slowly collapsing. bbl. ttyl. wtf. brb. lol. rotfl. afk. gg. these are the new words. and with these words we write to our friends. with this we somehoe attempt to communicate our individual personalities, yet we expect respect from these same individuals.
and technology also gives us the ability to find other people though. an electronic dating plaza. people of all walks of life converted into databases of people with categories such as favorite color, age, location, interests, and sex. glorious. heres the downside then. now you meet individuals online and the love letter is somewhat reborn. conversation take place, but not the purpose free conversations you might have with friends, but the awkward i think i like you and would like to shag and some point in the near future conversations. except here simply saying your hot places a stigma on you (to women i ask why the double standard?) as something of a pervert/desperate. so slightly more eloquent speech is used. a/s/l? wonderful question, really this question should be asked in order of importance, s/a/l?
sex: female. (yes! the opposite sex. good so far.)
age: 18. (legal! lets go for three)
location: texas. (crap thats far away... oh well, wanna cyber?)
this is perhaps the most common chat room conversation. but what about occasions where they meet through aim, or msn? thats the location of the slightly improved conversation, and what im getting at after all that ive said so far.
msn/aim contacts are slowly becoming perhaps as important as phone numbers. and the conversation is also different. a phone call can be awkward, with aim... its still seen as more casual. it isnt a person, its a random string of letters on your computer. whats the harm in typing a brief response. which gradually gets more involved. until, gasp, they might even be typing whole conversations with each other, using sentences! yet the beauty of this system, and the only reason i insist that it is a modern love letter in the proper hands, is that these conversations are a setup to a further purpose. distance is a major factor.
if a person is met, yet distance is an impedement to actual contact, then aim/msn is the medium. and if that becomes the medium, then the conversations being had are being had for a purpose. that purpose being that of maintaining attraction despite a lack of contact (absence makes the heart grow fonder or out of sight out of mind?), which is a complicated matter. however, care is also taken usually to avoid expressing that attraction outright (love you, can be misinterpreted as a simple version of goodbye, much like goodnight... or it can be taken seriously, and possibly very uncomfortable then). so that declaration is slowly worked to. it arrives much later. in the meantime its the innocent flirting that thrives (much like the content of love letters from days of lore, which eventually mature into the fullblown declarations of love, which in this case would be expressed during an actual meeting). however even here the comparison between classic writing on the topic and modern typings is pitiful. we have lost our ability to create comparable works.
the shortening of distance through technology has killed our sense of romance. eventually perhaps it will find a renaissance and flourish again, but for now, i believe it is withering away.
i dont know if this made as much sense as i would have it, but i refuse to edit the post.
i mean that in a ive wasted this entire week in the most unproductive ways. its been a matter of being awake, and making a coffeshop my second home. i just sit there and converse with some people for hours (hours meaning a good 8) about the absolute nothingness that we are currently doing. nothing is done, nothing changes. and the next day we do it all again. now this is entertaining the first few. but when you look back on your week and all you see is the same day repeated you start thinking that something should change.
but that is how my days are spent.
heres where the matter of distances work their way into this post. (i had a better segway into this but at some point while i was typing all of that out i went and lost it) curious developments of the modern era. first we had a whole courting ritual. love letters, some serenades and poems were written and exchanged. that might still happen today but the wording has changed for the worst as new generation continue to butcher languages by adding hip vernacular and subconsciouslly continue a rebellion against the bourgoise that was started long before them and which they arent aware of anymore. so the language suffers, and with it so does the quality of romance. the end result of this process is that after years of its inception, women are now being courted with short pickup lines or the ever inspiring, "your hot." the romans, greeks and even the great poets of yesteryears apparently wasted their breaths and ink by devising page after page commending women on their virtues and alluding to their attractiveness. all they had to say was your hot, wanna do it? and their goal would have been met. at least thats the way it seems now. a matter of being drunk, and an asshole seems to acquire more women than any other method. some gym time to develope muscles that will never be used other than for aesthetic appeal, then do a little posing act like an arrogant asshole, be sure to belittle all other men in the vicinity and youve got yourself a girl. wonderful. i love how as technology advances we seem to be losing our social capabilities as a race.
technology. the very same technology that kills our ability to communicate is the one thats fostering it the most. behold aim, msn, icq. the wonders of instant communication. take your basic penpal and this would be the electronic equivalent (besides the art of letter writing has long since been dead and given a proper funeral) except the writing is about as eloquent as a 4th graders ode to his favorite toy. here we find people conversing in the worst bastardization of english ever given popularity. not content with street slang, ghetto speak (dawg. crib. ebonics if you will) we now take up aim-speak and to a lesser extent leet-speak. a convenient method of covering the fact that most people can no longer spell accurately as a result of spellcheckers being enabled on computers across the nation. so our spelling, grammer, and vocabulary is slowly collapsing. bbl. ttyl. wtf. brb. lol. rotfl. afk. gg. these are the new words. and with these words we write to our friends. with this we somehoe attempt to communicate our individual personalities, yet we expect respect from these same individuals.
and technology also gives us the ability to find other people though. an electronic dating plaza. people of all walks of life converted into databases of people with categories such as favorite color, age, location, interests, and sex. glorious. heres the downside then. now you meet individuals online and the love letter is somewhat reborn. conversation take place, but not the purpose free conversations you might have with friends, but the awkward i think i like you and would like to shag and some point in the near future conversations. except here simply saying your hot places a stigma on you (to women i ask why the double standard?) as something of a pervert/desperate. so slightly more eloquent speech is used. a/s/l? wonderful question, really this question should be asked in order of importance, s/a/l?
sex: female. (yes! the opposite sex. good so far.)
age: 18. (legal! lets go for three)
location: texas. (crap thats far away... oh well, wanna cyber?)
this is perhaps the most common chat room conversation. but what about occasions where they meet through aim, or msn? thats the location of the slightly improved conversation, and what im getting at after all that ive said so far.
msn/aim contacts are slowly becoming perhaps as important as phone numbers. and the conversation is also different. a phone call can be awkward, with aim... its still seen as more casual. it isnt a person, its a random string of letters on your computer. whats the harm in typing a brief response. which gradually gets more involved. until, gasp, they might even be typing whole conversations with each other, using sentences! yet the beauty of this system, and the only reason i insist that it is a modern love letter in the proper hands, is that these conversations are a setup to a further purpose. distance is a major factor.
if a person is met, yet distance is an impedement to actual contact, then aim/msn is the medium. and if that becomes the medium, then the conversations being had are being had for a purpose. that purpose being that of maintaining attraction despite a lack of contact (absence makes the heart grow fonder or out of sight out of mind?), which is a complicated matter. however, care is also taken usually to avoid expressing that attraction outright (love you, can be misinterpreted as a simple version of goodbye, much like goodnight... or it can be taken seriously, and possibly very uncomfortable then). so that declaration is slowly worked to. it arrives much later. in the meantime its the innocent flirting that thrives (much like the content of love letters from days of lore, which eventually mature into the fullblown declarations of love, which in this case would be expressed during an actual meeting). however even here the comparison between classic writing on the topic and modern typings is pitiful. we have lost our ability to create comparable works.
the shortening of distance through technology has killed our sense of romance. eventually perhaps it will find a renaissance and flourish again, but for now, i believe it is withering away.
i dont know if this made as much sense as i would have it, but i refuse to edit the post.
13.5.04
everything must be quantified and categorized even personality.
Results
im guessing those results are viewable.
and i went ahead and plastered them online for a reason.
one, im not a huge follower of personality tests. i dont think that any personality test gets it all right. theres always something there that isnt included.
so i allow anyone who wants to to try and read my results. and gauge for yourselves (for those that know me) if this is accurate or slightly off.
enjoy.
and apparently im representative of 1% of the population. so maybe i am a little different than the rest... then again, maybe not.
ever realize how easy these things are to manipulate? if i felt compelled, and i believe that in most cases people do feel compelled, i could change the results so that i was an extrovert with a massive sex drive. and people do feel compelled by their motivation. is it a personality test for a dating service? then alter your responses to be outgoing, charismatic, creative and sensitive. is it for a job? try answers exemplifying creative and rational thinking, follow through, goal setting, dedication, leadership, extrovertedness. etc. etc.
so take this as you will, and i wont mention exactly what i think of it, dont want to taint anyones perspective on it...
and yes, i was bored when i took it, thats the reason i took it.
im guessing those results are viewable.
and i went ahead and plastered them online for a reason.
one, im not a huge follower of personality tests. i dont think that any personality test gets it all right. theres always something there that isnt included.
so i allow anyone who wants to to try and read my results. and gauge for yourselves (for those that know me) if this is accurate or slightly off.
enjoy.
and apparently im representative of 1% of the population. so maybe i am a little different than the rest... then again, maybe not.
ever realize how easy these things are to manipulate? if i felt compelled, and i believe that in most cases people do feel compelled, i could change the results so that i was an extrovert with a massive sex drive. and people do feel compelled by their motivation. is it a personality test for a dating service? then alter your responses to be outgoing, charismatic, creative and sensitive. is it for a job? try answers exemplifying creative and rational thinking, follow through, goal setting, dedication, leadership, extrovertedness. etc. etc.
so take this as you will, and i wont mention exactly what i think of it, dont want to taint anyones perspective on it...
and yes, i was bored when i took it, thats the reason i took it.
11.5.04
Sen. James Inhofe... fuck you.
CNN.com - GOP senator labels abused prisoners 'terrorists' - May 11, 2004
this man is an absolute piece of shite. Outraged by the outrage??? you imbecilic inbred bastard fuck.
this is one of the few stories ive read about the iraqi prisoner mistreatment that has made me want to openly launch a verbal assault rife with curses upon all who make claims that the us is great and all that wonderful patriotism that has griped this country. this man should never speak in public, he should never even be allowed near a camera again, not at press conferences, not at family reunions, never. this is the type of person that i would refer to as "redneck-ish" someone who might have money and might seem to be a representative of the educated social stratus, but in reality is still stuck somewhere back in 1930. this man is calling for the blood of iraqis because they have "american blood on their hands." so screw the rights of prisoners and the whole geneva convention... but flip the coin and im sure hes not ok with how iraqis treat american prisoners (i do feel for the poor prisoners still remaining in iraq, especially now that the iraqis are venting their frustrations through decapitations in retaliation) he probably figures thats incredibly wrong, but not if the us does it. then its justified. or lets see if he would agree then that following his logic we should also execute every single convicted murderer in the us? and not in a human (although no execution is ever humane) way, instead lets cause them intense psychological distress, have them endure extreme public and personal humiliation and defy and break every conventional norm and belief that they have by sadistic individuals who grin and enjoy those very acts (essentially lets allow the injured to exact their revenge in a governmentally sanctioned process). i hate this man.
he is to me an incredibly ignorant individual, who represents perhaps single handedly why people despise america. because close minded, insulated individuals do not consider the ramifications of their actions, or accept their mistakes but try to justify the acts that they commit (and grievous ones they are) through some illreasoned veil of patriotism. it can only go so far before this new found patriotism turns itself into a corrupt system that will allow individuals to execute any whim on the belief that if they do it for america it is ok and nothing will happen to them.
this man should be keelhauled, or even better send this man to iraq. let him be there and express his views and follow it up with actions (hed probably shoot every single one he saw... dr. strangelove meet your equal).
sadly enough, there are probably millions of americans throughout the midwest who see this man as their saviour in government.... i wish ignorance was done away with.
i need a drink... ill post again once i compose myself. he is such a bastard.
this man is an absolute piece of shite. Outraged by the outrage??? you imbecilic inbred bastard fuck.
this is one of the few stories ive read about the iraqi prisoner mistreatment that has made me want to openly launch a verbal assault rife with curses upon all who make claims that the us is great and all that wonderful patriotism that has griped this country. this man should never speak in public, he should never even be allowed near a camera again, not at press conferences, not at family reunions, never. this is the type of person that i would refer to as "redneck-ish" someone who might have money and might seem to be a representative of the educated social stratus, but in reality is still stuck somewhere back in 1930. this man is calling for the blood of iraqis because they have "american blood on their hands." so screw the rights of prisoners and the whole geneva convention... but flip the coin and im sure hes not ok with how iraqis treat american prisoners (i do feel for the poor prisoners still remaining in iraq, especially now that the iraqis are venting their frustrations through decapitations in retaliation) he probably figures thats incredibly wrong, but not if the us does it. then its justified. or lets see if he would agree then that following his logic we should also execute every single convicted murderer in the us? and not in a human (although no execution is ever humane) way, instead lets cause them intense psychological distress, have them endure extreme public and personal humiliation and defy and break every conventional norm and belief that they have by sadistic individuals who grin and enjoy those very acts (essentially lets allow the injured to exact their revenge in a governmentally sanctioned process). i hate this man.
he is to me an incredibly ignorant individual, who represents perhaps single handedly why people despise america. because close minded, insulated individuals do not consider the ramifications of their actions, or accept their mistakes but try to justify the acts that they commit (and grievous ones they are) through some illreasoned veil of patriotism. it can only go so far before this new found patriotism turns itself into a corrupt system that will allow individuals to execute any whim on the belief that if they do it for america it is ok and nothing will happen to them.
this man should be keelhauled, or even better send this man to iraq. let him be there and express his views and follow it up with actions (hed probably shoot every single one he saw... dr. strangelove meet your equal).
sadly enough, there are probably millions of americans throughout the midwest who see this man as their saviour in government.... i wish ignorance was done away with.
i need a drink... ill post again once i compose myself. he is such a bastard.
morning.
just woke up and took this... its pretty much the feeling i have most mornings on waking up... everything is just a bit of a view askew.
10.5.04
army.
one more thing i just noticed. theres the new army direction they are taking with the whole army of one (very very individualistic, seems to go against "leave no man behind" but im sure they have a reason for wanting to seem like inidividuals and not team players...) and support of this new modern army slogan theyve unleashed a new campaign promoting themselves. the army of one commercials, on tv, radio, print and tying in this new technology that is the internet (which they gave rise to anyway... so thank you army for creating a vehicle for me to recieve spam-mail detailing how to add 4 inches or how i can meet superslutty extrasexy wildcrazy teencollege girls in my area every 5 minutes)
but theres one commercial which just reeked of self promoting nationalism and patriotism (why do people seem like dicks when being patriotic?). its the one with the russian explaining how much he loves america and why and how hes "willing to fight for it" said while having a close up of his determined (angry?) bring it on face. but the part that i thought was just talking down to people and made me think that perhaps the army is focusing on recruiting less than stellar individuals is the part where, despite his thick accent which makes anyone assume hes not from the us, as he says "my family moved here when i was very young" they show a picture of him and his family (i suppose, or at least a media friendly b&w picture of a family) and then do that weird blur then snap to another picture with a quick jerk of the camera to a picture of the KREMLIN!
i suppose it isnt a big deal right? i mean it just establishes that he is from russia, or to be specific from moscow. its not his picture. he probably doesnt have one of the kremlin. its like assuming that every american that goes anywhere carries with hime a stylized b&w picture of the white house... hell i havent seen anyone even hold a picture of the white house much less own one. so what was the purpose of that picture? it pegs him as a russian, but wouldnt the commercial be more effective if that picture was left out and left the nationality of the person out, so that he would serve as a representation of all people from the eastern european countries that serve in the us army? i think id be less critical of it then...
but theres one commercial which just reeked of self promoting nationalism and patriotism (why do people seem like dicks when being patriotic?). its the one with the russian explaining how much he loves america and why and how hes "willing to fight for it" said while having a close up of his determined (angry?) bring it on face. but the part that i thought was just talking down to people and made me think that perhaps the army is focusing on recruiting less than stellar individuals is the part where, despite his thick accent which makes anyone assume hes not from the us, as he says "my family moved here when i was very young" they show a picture of him and his family (i suppose, or at least a media friendly b&w picture of a family) and then do that weird blur then snap to another picture with a quick jerk of the camera to a picture of the KREMLIN!
i suppose it isnt a big deal right? i mean it just establishes that he is from russia, or to be specific from moscow. its not his picture. he probably doesnt have one of the kremlin. its like assuming that every american that goes anywhere carries with hime a stylized b&w picture of the white house... hell i havent seen anyone even hold a picture of the white house much less own one. so what was the purpose of that picture? it pegs him as a russian, but wouldnt the commercial be more effective if that picture was left out and left the nationality of the person out, so that he would serve as a representation of all people from the eastern european countries that serve in the us army? i think id be less critical of it then...
7over.
my school classification was 7. its the number of semesters i have been here at college. 3 and a half years of college over with. it was only going to go for 4. but now i will finish in 9 semesters. attribute it to my getting a second minor in psychology, which i think is fitting for me.
had a conversation with a friend and he said that it seems right that i get that minor and he get a economics/math minor (i also have a marketing minor) because of the difference in the way we think. seems he believes hes the more logical/reason thinker of the two of us. think hes wrong but i never know do i. anyway i think people have a different view of me than i would like them to, or that i do of myself anyway. so maybe thats something to work on. because some people have accused me of being stuckup/arrogant/superior or simple&dull, which isnt quite what i hoped people would think. although some people have started to view me in a "playah" type light...
and since we have comments the board is a redundancy. so goodbye board.
today for once out of so many days, i finally woke up and not groggy or just bleh, but awake and ummm its just different because im not waking up and feeling bored or drowsy or just unwilling. its different, enjoyable but very different.
had a conversation with a friend and he said that it seems right that i get that minor and he get a economics/math minor (i also have a marketing minor) because of the difference in the way we think. seems he believes hes the more logical/reason thinker of the two of us. think hes wrong but i never know do i. anyway i think people have a different view of me than i would like them to, or that i do of myself anyway. so maybe thats something to work on. because some people have accused me of being stuckup/arrogant/superior or simple&dull, which isnt quite what i hoped people would think. although some people have started to view me in a "playah" type light...
and since we have comments the board is a redundancy. so goodbye board.
today for once out of so many days, i finally woke up and not groggy or just bleh, but awake and ummm its just different because im not waking up and feeling bored or drowsy or just unwilling. its different, enjoyable but very different.
3.5.04
oversentimental bastards.
so im going through some people blogs and i realize something. it seems that a persons blog is invariably linked to other blogs that are written similar, or sound similar... so much so that i just went through one person bloglist and all five of his links (yes the bastard is male and not female, so relax dear) where very similar to his. some sentimental long winded over analyzed over fantasized incredibly sappy/corny ode to a girl from yesteryears written in a fabulous eulogy style (in past tense, and the ever popular "we split up, but i think it was for the best") followed eventually by some ramblings in the best faux poetic style they can muster regarding a new person (the variable here is that sometimes they know them other times its that person at the coffeeshop/class/apt/etc). and then some pointless issues about their day... why do so many blogs read like 15yr old musings written in crayon in some cheap cheesy diary with that stupid little useless key/lock thing? i suppose this isnt the place to search for brilliant literary works or meaningful discussion... perhaps in an ideal world.
you know what... this is an ideal world. stop the bitching about someday it will be better, or back in the good ol days (like when? when was it ever better than it is now? 60yrs ago i'd be going to europe... to get shot at. 30yrs ago? no computer, internet, tv, college was something other people did, lots of drugs though so id be a junkie without a job. 20yrs ago? it was the 80's so fuck that with the reaganomics and all that shit. and that brings us up to now... the further back you go the more you have to surrender from your current life and the uncomfortable things get... more work less pay less options more hazard and eventually we make it to the plague. so no, there never was a good old day, just a romanticized memory from your childhood. actually that is everyones good old day, childhood cause we didnt know any better.)... the point was that this is as ideal as your going to get. every day is ideal. we get alittle more, improve just a wee bit (maybe not personally but in a larger global way) and sure there is pain and suffering, but theres always been pain and suffering, and there always will be, then now and after. itll always be there (consider the afterlife, burn in hell, live in heaven, someone is always suffering) and lets not blame this on humans, saying that humans are evil. it might seem evil but everyone has some little shiny parts. pol pot might be a manslaying (and woman and child and uncle and cousin) bastard... but maybe he gave his dogs some extra food and let them sleep inside, or maybe he had a soft spot for romance novels (? you never know, but reading romance novels isnt what i would call "good" but girls do it, actually housewives do it... so that doesnt mean anything at all). you know. its a matter of context, cause to be permanently evil would mean that you wouldnt really get to far (seeing how youd be killing maiming and generally causing pain and misery everywhere you set foot, which means they catch you and watch you through a little window for the rest of your life... on the other hand... free drugs! and electroshock maybe a fashionable lobotomy even.)
thing is stop thinking oh it will be better... cause sure it might, but its a random occurance if you benefit (cause nobody thinks of making it better for you, just getting the money out of your pocket so you think you are better,... its all marketing.). so it mostly comes down to you improving what you feel needs improvement... otherwise your just a bystander waiting for something to happen which may or may not happen and your probably not even sure what that something is but your sure youll recognize it when it happens. sure you will. and i will take over ghana and proceed to sell it to the french for 15 million hard boiled emu eggs. equally likely. cause the world will be ideal, when? when we all hold hands and sing in glorious elation about how its so nice and peaceful now that muslims, jews, communists, democracies, iraq, iran, syria, usa, all of russia, kkk, black panthers, glad, catholics, pope, antoine lavey, hicks, cityboys, rednecks, hispanics, ireland, britain,bloods, crips, democrats, republicans, spain, catalans, world vs world all got together and said "my bad. i thought you said sheepskin." fuck me in the ass if that ever happens. so stop hoping for better (cause entropy sets in eventually and its something of a bitch to stop isnt it.) and just cope with what you have and admit that its pretty good, if not probably more than you deserve (but im not here to judge what you deserve, if it were up to me wed go back to feudalism and id be king... cause its sweet to be the king, without the whole inbreeding thing though, more of a harem type king.)
whatever. im pretty content with how things are going (lets remember that im a cynical bastard who doesnt believe that 1 person makes a huge difference unless hes/shes being watched and backed by a couple of million, and it only takes one idiot to tarnish the whole thing, so watch your mouth).
i wonder if this makes any sense in hindsight... finals week makes my brain feel fuzzy.
you know what... this is an ideal world. stop the bitching about someday it will be better, or back in the good ol days (like when? when was it ever better than it is now? 60yrs ago i'd be going to europe... to get shot at. 30yrs ago? no computer, internet, tv, college was something other people did, lots of drugs though so id be a junkie without a job. 20yrs ago? it was the 80's so fuck that with the reaganomics and all that shit. and that brings us up to now... the further back you go the more you have to surrender from your current life and the uncomfortable things get... more work less pay less options more hazard and eventually we make it to the plague. so no, there never was a good old day, just a romanticized memory from your childhood. actually that is everyones good old day, childhood cause we didnt know any better.)... the point was that this is as ideal as your going to get. every day is ideal. we get alittle more, improve just a wee bit (maybe not personally but in a larger global way) and sure there is pain and suffering, but theres always been pain and suffering, and there always will be, then now and after. itll always be there (consider the afterlife, burn in hell, live in heaven, someone is always suffering) and lets not blame this on humans, saying that humans are evil. it might seem evil but everyone has some little shiny parts. pol pot might be a manslaying (and woman and child and uncle and cousin) bastard... but maybe he gave his dogs some extra food and let them sleep inside, or maybe he had a soft spot for romance novels (? you never know, but reading romance novels isnt what i would call "good" but girls do it, actually housewives do it... so that doesnt mean anything at all). you know. its a matter of context, cause to be permanently evil would mean that you wouldnt really get to far (seeing how youd be killing maiming and generally causing pain and misery everywhere you set foot, which means they catch you and watch you through a little window for the rest of your life... on the other hand... free drugs! and electroshock maybe a fashionable lobotomy even.)
thing is stop thinking oh it will be better... cause sure it might, but its a random occurance if you benefit (cause nobody thinks of making it better for you, just getting the money out of your pocket so you think you are better,... its all marketing.). so it mostly comes down to you improving what you feel needs improvement... otherwise your just a bystander waiting for something to happen which may or may not happen and your probably not even sure what that something is but your sure youll recognize it when it happens. sure you will. and i will take over ghana and proceed to sell it to the french for 15 million hard boiled emu eggs. equally likely. cause the world will be ideal, when? when we all hold hands and sing in glorious elation about how its so nice and peaceful now that muslims, jews, communists, democracies, iraq, iran, syria, usa, all of russia, kkk, black panthers, glad, catholics, pope, antoine lavey, hicks, cityboys, rednecks, hispanics, ireland, britain,bloods, crips, democrats, republicans, spain, catalans, world vs world all got together and said "my bad. i thought you said sheepskin." fuck me in the ass if that ever happens. so stop hoping for better (cause entropy sets in eventually and its something of a bitch to stop isnt it.) and just cope with what you have and admit that its pretty good, if not probably more than you deserve (but im not here to judge what you deserve, if it were up to me wed go back to feudalism and id be king... cause its sweet to be the king, without the whole inbreeding thing though, more of a harem type king.)
whatever. im pretty content with how things are going (lets remember that im a cynical bastard who doesnt believe that 1 person makes a huge difference unless hes/shes being watched and backed by a couple of million, and it only takes one idiot to tarnish the whole thing, so watch your mouth).
i wonder if this makes any sense in hindsight... finals week makes my brain feel fuzzy.
2.5.04
changes have come.
i just realized how in 40 years theres been a massive change as to what is sexy. first of granted i do believe that people always considered a woman prancing around all naked and fancy free to be inherently sexy. but thats not what i mean. i mean how we went from the women in the 40's (thinking movie stars) looking sexy by being glamorous. it wasnt about how much skin they showed but how they carried themselves, their personal sexiness. now its a matter of being as pornoish as you can so youll be sexy. using mtv as a reference... alicia keys - classy sexy. britney/christina/jessica - sex (whoreish kinda looky im showing so much skin and look i have breasts!) so ok... most people are happy and overjoyed at this cause they always have to do outdo each other so we get to see more skin and more provocative poses than ever before. hiphops videos flood us with upclose and personal crotch shots and more bouncing booty than has been seen since the days of the pirates, but they had more plundering. thing is i think its been overdone and now im jaded and indifferent. not to say i dont like the pictures cause i do. but i want the glamor sexy to come back a bit more (think nicole kidman pulls it off lately). or at least not forced sexiness. (gwen stefani seems sexy just being who she is, not a fabricated sexy) i mean you hear britney/christina speak and well... it doesnt give the same impression as when you see their video. so its just different. and while they may be attractive (and this im applying to all women in mtv lately and even some i know personally) really it seems to be too much effort and far to shallow (oh and if your prancing around in low low rise i can see your thong (or lack of) jeans with the tight tight barely there t-shirt... forgive me for not respecting you and giving you the respect i think you deserve based on the look... but its hard to assume that if thats what your wearing that you are a nice upstanding sweet christian individual with truly important ideas regarding the political scene and political upheaval and the strife that comes from it in uzbekistan... rather it seems to me that that particular look kinda screams "look at me! look look! i have legs, and an ass! and breasts! touch me touch me take me home and feel me!!") it is shallow though isnt it? we now base sexiness on how much skin we can see on a person as opposed to the person (and no bullshit about how personality cannot be seen in a video cause it can) or their personality.. subtlety is being lost. but i suppose based on the experiences ive had with the current crop of freshmen that its only way to get into their thick dense heads anymore, cause no one understand subtlety anymore. you have to practically bash an idea into their head with a crowbar for them to even start to pay attention, nevermind trying to get them to appreciate something as subtle as sexy with all the clothes on (and by the by... when did playboy stop being sexy? is it just me or is 50lbs of silicon with soft focus and massive airbrushing just not something that particularly does it for me? not to mention after a while youll realize that they all kind of share a similar look. which is to say, a girl that hugh would like to shag, who also posseses massive breasts cause nothing is sexier than surgery and silicone) so i hope and prey and wait.. impatiently but i wait.
