saying nothing.

ive been thinking. seeing how i always have to walk home, which gives me a nice long time to think about anything that happened prior to my starting that walk home, or what should happen after that walk... whatever, point is, every day i have a walk ahead of me. aside from causing an excess of wear and tear to the souls of my shoes it means that nearly every day i end up reflecting on this or that... which is generally considered a good thing by some people, but ive learned to dislike it.
i only have those wonderful introspective moments when things are breaking down. so if things are going well, if its a great wonderful genuinely nice day, there is no thinking on the walk, just acceptance. because why question it when it all works and comes together real nice? theres no point. but when things start to slide...
its infuriating. usually even more so, because i cant really do much as the walk goes on aside from following one train of thought down to some bs conclusion which ill have a hell of a time explaining to anyone by the time i see them because itll be a while later and ill forget exactly how i arrived to any conclusion at all. not to mention sometimes its less about reaching a conclusion.
sometimes its just a walk in which a certain emotion just takes hold and oh undirected nervousness i despise it. just being nervous for nervous sake, its horrible because your all tense and waiting for this thing to happen or worried that something is going to happen but you cant quite discern what and you get all jumpy and you just want it to either happen or simply get away from everyone and everything and dissapear into a tiny little hole that is home... yeah its like the beginning of some mental disease that eats away at your brain and then has you living in a forest on a hill somewhere in a little shack sending little homemade explosives to anonymous people. point is... today was one of those walks.
i had too much time to think, and its not healthy. im nervous about things. and i know i did wrong. its almost self destructive. im not sure why i do what i do, neither then and much less now. however it may not be as big an issue as i think it is, especially because i dwelled on it as i took my walk and i dont know if they did or not. so i might not have any reason to think what i think... except i wish i didnt have anything to think about today.