preview...

"...the judas cow. It has a little bell round its neck and up the ramp it goes being followed by other, normal bell deprivde cows who cant resist themselves at the sound of the cowbell and must blindly follow...

...this means the judas cow is trained! trained cows? how does one train a cow? and what can a cow be trained to do?..."

preview of the topic of my next posting. like the blurbs on the book jackets.
im such a little tease.

blue and yellow give you green.

this is easily the most inane little thing to bring me joy. makes me smile every time. its a stupid little daily task made all the more fun by the addition of blue.
blue made bathroom breaks fun. thanks blue.

its just such a thrill i get whenever i step into the bathroom and notice that the porcelain fixture is not full of its normal, blah, everyday transparency, but instead of that most divine of colors that wonderful treat for my visual senses that i have to control myself to not emit a squeel. its full of blue water!
nothing so great in that, but when blue meets yellow it makes green!
its like being in kindergarden all over again, when you just realize that colors put together make other colors. and then fingerpainting! but this... this is just a little piece of heaven in porcelain wrapping.
starts off a deep majestic blue, like the ocean in the middle of the pacific where the bottom is unfathomably far away under the calm surface... its that blue. then it starts to mix and swirl with the new color as they play a joyous game that resembles a dance of a most lustful specimen, like an aquatic tango to be played by colors only... a feast for the senses... as they dance and circle and combine in glorious rapture until only the sea green remains...
and then flush and away it goes and its replaced anew with a fresh blue hue.

its such a simple thing that amuses me... one of the things that i can enjoy cause i stand when i pee.

ah the joys of being a man.
green.

better to have loved and lost....

well sure. assuming that you werent in love at the time of losing. thenits not so better. then its better to just not have had than to have endured lost while in love. really should just change this, better to have loved and moved on.
besides the people that say this are usually bastards currently in love. not ones also having lost. those people usually are at the bar trying to cope with an alcohol dependence. but rarely does this ever ever cheer someone up. its a crap phrase.
but if you lost by choice. then its ok. a gradual weening off of a person, doesnt seem so bad then. better to have initially loved and then gradually less and less so until you moved on.
now thats a honest uplifting phrase. not very hallmark quality though.
better to have loved and lusted than __________.
thats hallmark... or spencers gifts at least. spencer is a dick. he needs to grow the hell up, and air out the store cause they all smell funny... kind of like cats.

quotas.

so i think ive figured something out today as i watched a nature show regarding an aging lion and its inability to keep up with the younger ones and hunt as many gazelle as before... what i learned is that our basic motivations are food and sex, but not in that order. its always sex above food.
the reason i say this, and ill come off as a bastard for saying it is that if we valued food more than sex, then we wouldnt have as many starving masses throughout the world (which would put very many christians out of charity work, since that is where they get the majority of it, well that and poor underdeveloped countries or poor ignorant tribes located in the middle of mainland nowhere and who really dont care about the modern world but the modern world has a slight interest in them, if nothing else for award winning national geographic pictures. but can you imagine the publicity if you had pictures of serengeti runners wearing nike shoes? or tibetan monks kneeling down on neiman marcus prayer mats? amazon tribesmen with the white ipod headphones?). they dont have food, but they do have sex. i know they do, not because its in pictures but because they have children, usually more than one. so despite the crippling starvation they are undergoing (but not voluntarily unlike models in la and teenage girls in the rest of the world who are training themselves to believe that food is the devil and who practice math by adding and subtracting calories and dividing out the amount of good/bad calories in everything from a salad, which they only eat if served with a special dressing that has 0 calories and tastes suspiciously like tap water but is recommended by their trainer cause he owns stock in the thinning of the world, to a stick of gum which they can only chew for so long because of atrophied jaw muscles due to the lack of chewing of real food) despite that, they still somehow find the energy and willingness to engage in reproduction. despite that i can only assume that they still at times get horny. therefore, if they have sex even facing the complete lack of food, food must take a second place to sex. so sex is king amongst our needs, otherwise, we wouldnt have nearly as many starving children as we do.
the interesting thing here is something ive noticed before but you cant help but think about it every now and then and keep from being amazed. somewhere right now, people are having sex. there are 6&1/2billion people. 50% women, 50% men. which means that right now people are engaging in the activity of creating more people. when that group of people are done, another group begins, so at all times and everywhere in the world there are people doing it. now since i am not currently doing it. it means that somebody else is doing it. hopefully we arent going in any kind of order because i lost my ticket to the big show, or if we are going by number thats even worse because i believe i was told once that my number is 1,752,498,167 which isnt coming up soon i dont think, or if it is i wonder how they will let me know. hopefully they just email me a time and a place so i can just show up.
then again, we may all have a quotient. only so much sex is allowed per person, which is why not everyone can be a pornstar, cause pornstars are just alloted a higher quotient of sex (there might be a loophole there because technically they are just working when they have sex, so it might not count as sex but as work. that wed have to take up with the sex administration, might be the census bureau since they are the ones that know how many people there are and if we are falling behind or not. they would be in the best position to tell us if we should be having more or less sex.) and priests are people who get a very low amount of sex "tokens." however, if people have quotients, what happens when someone doesnt fulfill their quota? do the rest of us get some extra sex because of it? and who gets priority on those tokens? for that matter could i gift some of my sex to a friend if i happen to find myself without a gift on their birthday or do i have to fill out paperwork for that? will the irs consider it tax deductible or do i pay tax on gifted sex? i think what it comes down to is that i think someone stole some of my sex, so do i file a report with the police? the irs? the census bereau or my local sex atm (which would be a prostitute i suppose, a convenient place to get some sex, but its not exactly the same as an atm, since you spend sex there, you dont get any to take home to the wife, unless you have a special relationship with the wife in which case you could take it back... but you can ask for clamydia, the clap, herpes, or any std cocktail combination you desire. but who really wants that?)
i need to get around to using my allotted amount of sex, it might go bad otherwise like moldy cheese, or perhaps its like quality wine (not that cheap type comes in boxes) and just gets better if i leave it out for a while...

what i used to do but find myself no longer able to do.

i used to be able to write.
i still can, in a mechanical sort of way. i think before i had more interesting phrases. i had a better flow as well. now, i can still write in that i can put letters together and make words and perhaps even a decent sentence. mostly though, i find myself just writing sentences worthy of an elementary school wall for english as a second language students. about sub-par sentences.
i also used to be able to do a handstand.

words.

ok. so we have millions and millions of words. whole books full of them, front to back and back to front and organized in neat little columns alphabetically or completely random messes of words in no apparent order, but we have them. some words have died though. others have simply matured and been given new meanings. but why?
i think, that possibly there is a institution somewhere located atop some mountaintop deepin a valley somewhere where they ponder and question words. and in certain cases have them eliminated by a crack international team of word spies. people skilled in the ability to eliminate and kill a word ( while engaging in sexy double entendras with leather bound dictionaries ) with but a single movement of their hand. deadly indeed.
but so, then these people have to decide which situations call for the retirement of a word ( such as what will eventually happen to the phrase "your mom" which as of this count has been killed about 548 times, only to reappear in the mouth of some young pipsqueek who recently discovered it hiding in his grandfathers attic amongst wwII memorabilia and who foolishly brings it back to the schoolyard with him. )and what words are suitable for a "reimagining," because they have been given the clearance to play god with the american language!
there is a rogue underground movement to challenge their undisputed authority over america, a movement led by one snoop dogg, who has in recent years introduced the notion of the -izzle, infuriariting the word-smiths. but the day of reckoning is coming, i tell you if anything is to happen to snoop, look no further than webster for your guilty party.
who comes up with new words? is there a commity? do people vote? is the president involved in someway or is this all left to the vicepresident? to whom do we entrust the sanctity of our language?

its really late, and i have a feeling that im trying to hard on this one.

porque no hablo de religion.

hay veces y momentos en los cuales la gente decide traer a la mesa en la que estamos reunidos y disfrutando de nuestra compania y de algunos refrescos del tipo embriagante el tema de la religion, y yo queridos lectores no hablo de la religion.
y la gente me ve de manera rara con la frente arrugada de una manera muy peculiar que es la forma en la que una persona arruga la frente cuando quiere dar a entender a cualquier persona que le ve la frente y esa expresion de ojos que ellos estan un poquito ofendidos pero de una manera curiosa con la persona que le acaba de dirigir la palabra. y cuando veo esa cara de media frustracion media no se que y otra mitad curiosa, y ya me di cuenta que ahi hay tres mitades pero hay gente que tiene suficiente cara, o algunas casos dos caras, como para poder acomodar las tres mitadas, yo me pongo a pensar en mis adentros, ya que pensar por afuera me resulta como mucho trabajo y nadie se da cuenta y por tanto no vale el esfuerzo, que como se puede atrever a verme de esa manera este tal cristiano.
pero al darse cuenta que no quiero hablar de religion, siempre resultan preguntandome, como que si no habian escuchado mi respuesta a su pregunta anterior, y algunos ebrios que creen que ellos tienen el derecho de caminar su propio camino y que la pared que resulta estar en el camino no la tiene, siguen intentando y se tiran contra la pared hastar que determinan que ellos no son como la piedra que roda por donde roda y nadie la detiene, sino mas como una bolsa de carne que despues de sus golpes queda bastante suave. esta gente me pregunta que es si acaso no soy cristiano. y yo para esto tiempo que ni he escuchado lo que han dicho por perderme en mi monologo interno se me olvida mi promesa y les respondo, y asi de facil esto se convierte en conversacion de religion, y al contestar les contesto que no, en efecto no soy un cristiano exactamaente, sino un agnostico, lo cual tiene un poco de cristianismo combinado con diferentes religion en medidas controladas.
y se aqui cuando ellos hacen esa expresion tan peculiar otra vez, ya que no pueden creer que un pais como este, y para eso podemos decir que en esta region del mundo donde el 90% resulta ser cristiano o una variedad de cristiano, hayan dado con la peculiaridad que es un agnostico. y su expresion cambia a una cara de asombro, la misma cara con la cual ninos ven a los monos en el zoologico o en la television mas probable considerando la condicion de los zoologicos aqui cuando el mono se pone a tirar cosas que nunca fueron disenadas para ser tiradas, no porque dios no quizo sino porque sus caracteristicas aerodynamicas no son lo ideal para ser aventado por el aire como ellos lo pretenden hacer.
y cuando me quedan viendo asi mis amistadas, mi pensamiento es que como se atreven a juzgarme a mi? estos cristianos que dicen ser me juzgan a mi? por lo menos yo no me miento. en cambio estas personas que se juntan con sus amistades y se ponen a tomar y despues del trago, el cual es un lubricador de la lengua e incluso social y ya lubricado una parte al rato se lubrican otras ya sea por el agente lubricador del alcohol o por medio de algo ya lubricado que tiene la tendencia a querer hacer que todo lo no lubricado sea lubricado y poder asi conllevarse de mejor manera ya lubricados todas las partes involucradas, lleva a la lujuria, lo cual muchos confunden el amor en estos tiempos, y quiza sea amor, pero es un amor no de persona a persona sino de parte a parte no cual no es lo mismo pero igual la gente no sabe y en el momento no les importa pero la lengua lubricada con su agente social, siempre dice perlitas de maravilla que caen del cerebro, o seamos realistas para ese momento el cerebro ya no tiene mucho que ver o hacer mas que asegurarse de que el cuerpo pueda hacer funcionar las dos piernas, pero no al mismo tiempo sino que la izquierda primero y despues la derecha para poder llegar donde tiene que llegar y poder decir las palabras de "te amo" sin que la lengua y la cara se den cuenta y empiecen a reirse de lo que acaban de decirle a los dedos de la mujer que esta al frente de ellos, ya que mientras el cerebro intentaba decirle al cuerpo como llegar y tratar de hacerle entender a la lengua lo que deberia de decir (lo cual la lengua siempre interpreta como espanol traducido por un indu al chino y de vuelta al espanol y por eso siempre aparenta ser espanol sin realmente serlo, porque el indu no habla ni chino ni espanol) el pobre cerebro se enreda y como los pies odian al resto del cuerpo porque nunca se divierten al igual que los demas se tropiezan y quedamos hablando con los pies de la gente cuando lo unico que queremos es convencerla de que si somos capazas (o esperamos serlo) de hacerla pasar una buena noche. y por ente es siempre dentro del grupo que terminan buscando a la pareja de sus proxima media hora, y por eso todos somos hermanos e hermanas y nos conocemos y somos tan cercanos y nos hemos tocados unos a los otros aunque no siempre de manera directa pero igual todos no hemos llevados los unos y los otros a la cama, o carro dependiendo de la situacion y de la urgencia. y esta gente que se conozen todos entre si de esa manera, esta es la gente que me quiere decir que ellos son cristianos?
por eso mejor, no hablemos de religion vale?

the awkward feeling of grey.

been ages. i never write anymore. not here. been doing something different when it comes to writing. a project i started with a friend that is finally working the way it should. regardless.
today and the day that was yesterday i am grey.
its not easy to describe it. just a shade of grey. some people are difficult to befriend, and even more complicated to remain one. if nothing else, the ones that i have had have taught me, through frustration and repetition, patience. on occasion though i empathize too much. and i go grey. call it concern if you will.
its a desperate feeling of being unable to offer the aid they desperately need. no, thats not entirely true. its more desperately trying to get them to see what i do, though they fail to see it, more like refuse to see it. some people need to realize that they cant deal with everything on their own. but they all develope their crutches. its like a part of them got broken at some point along the way and they never got around to mending themselves then. like a crack in glass that has overtaken. starts small, a minor flaw, but with time it has become the defining character. cant see the glass, the crack is dominant.

not sure what else to get at. its a general feeling that has wormed its way into me. i talk slower, think more, everything fragmented.
the more i see them, the more exhausted i feel. feel like sleeping in til summer.