superficiality.

oh god. i hate it when a simple conversation with someone that really doesnt have anything to do with anything becomes so much more. its a stupid conversation. it doesnt matter at all. just a stupid superficial conversation with someone. and then they say one stupid thing that makes you come to a realization and have to admit things about yourself that you werent prepared to admit. and it doesnt take long to realize it, soon as the words leave your mouth you realize that its going to keep you awake all night.
its a horrible thing. one small comment keeps you awake all night. you run it through your head all night. and you search and analyze yourself to see why. or you try to rationalize your comment or behavior, some form of logic to make all it ok.
so what wonderful comment did i make? im superficial with everyone but 3 people in my life...
and why? i dont know. (and those 3 people dont include my family) but ive been trying to go over it in my head for some hours night. just shoot me.
i guess i have this whole obsession with being able to have a long conversation with someone about something important, but that means i have to be able to trust, confide, something like that, something about letting another under my skin. its scares me to no end. and im an introvert, cynical and sarcastical, so it takes me a bit to come to understand someone and be willing to share. but why?
the phrase that comes to mind is "superficiality means your never close enough to hurt or be hurt." which means, that in being shallow, nobody gets to really know me, and i dont really know anybody else, which leaves me very much alone... ugh, its driving me insane inside, because theres something greater at stake here, theres something more that i have yet to get to, its right there, its just out of view... but when it hits its going to change me alittle once again...
god i just cant be myself with her. shes to moody and emotional. and were just different and i dont think i can let myself be me with her. why did she have to ask me if i was superficial with her (and give me that coy little look afterwards and have her voice change like she really cared and was emotionally at some level a little pained by this revelation...) i saw her reaction and i meant to reverse it all and say something plain stupid instead of that... i just want to be able to be calm and relaxed and myself without all the effort around some people.
and how long before the fake person we present to others because the actual person we are?
we do as we do because we of who we are. if we did any different, we wouldnt be ourselves.